Resolve

It’s the beginning of the new year, so it’s time for resolutions and reflections. When I woke up this morning, I thought the following:
I am happy to be waking up in a warm bed, in a cozy dwelling. I am not hungry, I am not sick, I am alive and I can see the sunlight on the trees and the snow outside, making them sparkle. I have two beautiful children who dazzle me with their growing and person-ness. I have family who loves me and tries to take care of me. I have a few friends, just enough, who support me and love me in everything I do. I have a mind that thinks and creates and dreams and loves impossibly beautiful things.
Everything that I need or I want in this world is possible for me to grasp.
I am so very fortunate.
I just need to remember, and truly believe that. That is my resolution for this year. I will believe that I am fortunate, that I am beautiful just the way that I am. I will do the things that make me happy, and work from a sense of purpose rather than a sense of duty. I will believe in my friends’ dreams and cheer them on as they climb. I will listen more. I will encourage my children and try to be the example. I will be my heart, I will listen to it and appreciate that it is unique and crazy and marvelous.
And I will try to ignore the parts of me, and the parts of others, who tell me different.
All the best for 2013. It will be a good year

Reasons why I am awesome

Sorry, but I feel like blowing my own horn today.....

• I have two beautiful kick-ass kids that I constructed, nurture, and inspire.
• I take good pictures.
• I write good words.
• My heart is almost always in the right place and I love utterly and big.
• My hair.
• I love discovering the unknown.
• I get people excited about stuff, lots of stuff. Sometimes stuff I didn't think I had any interest in. Getting excited is fun.
• I talk to everyone, or try to anyway. I meet some pretty awesome people this way.
• I bake really well.
• I run half-marathons for charity.
• Just one month ago, a famous photographer told me he had to take my picture. And he did.
• Did I mention my hair?

It's that time again....

I woke up this morning with no kids, but a lovely heart card that Benny made and hid in his room as a surprise. You never know how much those things really mean until you are a parent.

So, what have I learned during the year? I've learned that some people and things cannot be replaced, but sometimes fond memories are better than bitter regrets. I've learned that I am the kind of person who cannot just jump back up and move along without pause, and I've learned that everyone deserves good things in this life, including me.

I discovered that I am not as strong as I wanted to be, last year wasn't easy. But I learned a lot about myself and the people around me and I am making peace with the changes and letting the things that hurt me go in order to embrace the things that I love.

And what will I do this year? I will try to be a good friend, a good mom, and a good person. I will follow my heart and try to have more confidence in what I do and to seek approval only from myself. I will leave myself open to discover and find joy, even if it means finding pain too, and I will continue to find out what is meaningful to me.

Let's see what happens, what I can do..... :-)

Process

I'm trying to narrow down the photos to a shortlist, and suddenly realise that I'm bored with almost everything I've done. I want dynamic, I want life and movement and faces, and details, I want images that will draw me in. I also have a new idea every hour for a theme or a style I want to do. I think that this will require more walking about with my camera at very early hours of the morning. The fact that I look forward to this is a step in the right direction I think :-)

status

Beautiful morning sun, a soft breeze coming in my window and a light in my heart. I am slowly brushing away the last, stubborn flakes of the previous version of me, the unhappy version mired in desperation, paralyzed for reasons I acknowledge but no longer understand. I believe that we are constantly reinventing, or at least we should be, always moving forward, never accepting our last work as our best work, and never taking anything in our lives for granted.
I am bringing along the things from my past that I love, even if they are not good for me. I am doing instead of talking, hopefully. It will be a nice change.
I am also hoping that my words return soon, but they have been elsewhere, contemplating a life without me, or at least a life where we are just good friends instead of intimate and entwined. I am trying to be patient, and I have other distractions, but it's hard.
While I wait, there is coffee, and the sun reflecting on the green leaves, and a smile on my face. It's a morning that makes you feel like anything is possible.

stasis

I woke up with Bruce Springstein's "I'm on Fire" playing in my head. Of course in my head it's an acoustic version - just Bruce and a guitar. I don't mind the train-track rhythm of the produced song, but I've always thought that a total lack of adornment would make it perfect - the feel of a man sitting with a guitar pouring something out from his gut. That's how the song plays for me, with his rich, honest voice making you feel every syllable of desire.
So maybe this song will set the tone for the day, maybe I will have my head in the clouds thinking about what and who sets me on fire. Lately there has been so much time to think, time to create, time to waste, time to search; I feel lost. It's as if someone forgot to give instructions, directions, and I'm wandering around in a weird open space picking up random objects, examining them and putting them down and trying to figure out what I'm doing here. Ideas arrive at my door and I spend the day pondering them and adding to them and then pulling them apart and putting them away.

I am no longer able to identify with who I was two months ago, and I have no idea who I am now. Sometimes I feel so free and joyous and excited about the prospect of endless possibilties and sometimes I am so scared that I am paralyzed.

The practical part of me says take anything, but my heart is telling me to do what makes me truly happy. My heart is compelling, but it doesn't have a firm grasp on reality, and when it is distracted with other things my practical side spends its time hinting that I'm a useless moron, tapping its fingers on the table and telling me to get on with it. I know that I cannot ignore it for much longer.
Something is going to have to happen soon. What will it be?

Things in the night

My daughter crawled into bed with me last night in the wee hours. Coincidentally, I was awake because the neighbour was up on a ladder a few feet away from my bedroom window taping plastic over the empty hole where the bathroom window used to be. He took the window out to replace it during the day and didn't finish. The previous tape job he'd concocted had given out in the rain, and he was redoing it, waking me up with that annoying tape noise over and over, without any rhythm and with no idea of when he'd be done. Eventually I think he ran out of tape and stopped just before I started throwing things at his head.
So, just as he was done, Naomi appeared in my doorway and stumbled to the other side of the bed and crawled in. I was trying to convince her to go back to sleep in her bed, I end up with a foot in my ear more mornings than not, when her little sleepy sad voice whispered in the dark, "But I woke up and it felt lonely". Melt. This is how she suckers me in.
She made herself comfy and snuggled in and fell right back to sleep. Lucky. I was awake, brain whirring, analysing the sleeplessness and out of whack feelings.
This summer has been about emptiness for me. People in my life have been empty, which I've had to accept and move past. I've also found myself feeling an emptiness for some people who deserve love. Promises have been empty, my job has felt empty of anything meaningful (which is more a reflection on me than the actual job), my bank account seems emptier. Not having my cat around makes the house seem so much more empty when the kids aren't here, it's not as if she created havoc running around the house, but I miss her wandering in and out of rooms, sitting with me, waking me up in the morning with a purring furry face against mine as she tried to smell the inside of my nose. Suddenly the things I took for granted are gone and there's a selfish fear that I didn't appreciate them enough while they were present. But I cannot long for things from the past, they no longer exist.
It sounds like I've had a pretty stark summer, but I haven't. I've had a lot of fun with my children and my friends, we've been to the beach, exploring the city, discovering new restaurants, reading, meeting people, and laughing. My life is not tragic and I have people who love me, but emptiness has motivated me to perhaps make some choices that I should have avoided.
There are two ways to handle the emptiness. You can try to fill it with activities and things until you are distracted, which is effective but only fills it temporarily, requiring a constant parade of activities and things. Or you can step back and look at the emptiness for a while until you realise how wonderful it can be. In the design of just about anything, the best thing you can do sometimes is allow just a little more white space; it cleans and opens up a room, a page, a mind. And the most beautiful thing about emptiness is its endless potential for ways to fill it. This is what I'm going to try to focus on for the next little while and see where it takes me.

If I had a time machine, I'd have a lot to do back then

I am too embarrassed to explain the major fuck-uppery mess I made the night before last. Think about something you did that still makes you cringe and shudder when even the tiniest inkling of the memory appears in the smallest, darkest corner of your mind - and then fill an oil tanker with that episode until it sinks. That would be my night.
The results of my epic debacle have left me questioning my perceptions, my motives, and my feelings. Someone who I thought was self-centred and really didn't give a goddamn was giving me coffee and making me laugh about the foolishness of the night before (which importantly included saying some pretty mean things that have apparently been forgiven and forgotten). Someone who I thought cared and would never hurt me walked away without even looking at me or saying a word.
Just when I think that I have it all figured out, I realise that I don't know anything, about life, about myself, or about the people I care about, or for that matter even who the people I care about really are.

when all else fails, make a list

A few tiny thoughts before I fall asleep:

• I have got to stop sitting down to write and then feeling like I have nothing to say, and then when I get up to do something useful suddenly get ideas, but then be too busy doing the useful thing to go and write, and then when I sit down and write forget what the hell I wanted to write and and feel like I have nothing to say.
  That just must stop.
  
• My daughter has not started school yet, but she already has a crush on the floppy-haired young music teacher. Her father is already counting the white hairs. He is cute though...
  
• I have no idea why I can never remember how long it takes to cook a hard-boiled egg. Seriously, why must I look it up on the internet every single time?
  
• There are a few things happening now that I don't think I'm ready for. I shall try to bluff my way through until I am.
  
• Universe, I think I am close on this one, so give me a break and I'll try to be less neurotic so I don't wreck it.
  
• I got a great haircut.
  

Another wonderful concert on Tuesday. A week before, I went to see Nagano conducting Liszt and Shostakovich which was pretty fantastic and made more so by a cheap last-minute seat in O right down the middle. This Tuesday I went to a show entitled The Evolution of the Symphony. Gabrieli, Bach, Webern, Stravinski, and finished with Beethoven's Fifth. The Fifth is near the top of my list. I am always amazed at the vibration that runs through me every time I hear it performed. Not a single note is wasted and the recurring themes running through become familiar but never expected. The energy in the hall was sensational and made my heart race. To make it even better, I was there with a person who is like a perfect symphony to me.
This is the last month of concerts in this hall after 47 years. Nagano gave a short speech without a mic, making the moment seem intimate. He spoke with emotion about the attachment to the hall, while looking ahead to the new space. Then, he announced an encore of Gabriel Faure, turned and began conducting Siciliene! So light and lovely and clean. After that was Berlioz's Le Corsaire, which I didn't know and only discovered later when reading the newspaper review. The reviewer also said that these two pieces were a classy gesture to Charles Dutoit, which after it was pointed out to me made sense, but went totally over my head at the concert. He complained about the incessant coughing of the audience. This past year they have strategically placed large bowls of Ricolas outside the entrances, but let's face it - the average age of the season ticket holders is still 200 or something. There are many younger people showing up, but we do stare out from our cheaper seats into a sea of white heads, that's reality. MSO, how about making tickets cheaper for people under 50 instead of under 30? I'm just saying.....many of us do not require oxygen tanks and would love a break on the prices so we could come more and probably start bringing our kids.

Spring

Spring is lifting my heart. This winter felt a bit too bleak and cold for me. It had wonderful moments, but not enough to sustain my joy and hope. Now, the sun has started to shine when I wake and I spend a lot more time smiling. Things have not really changed, or maybe they have?
Either way, I am inspired and am back to feeling full of possibilities. Now I only need a slight change of scene and an amazing lingering kiss to start the season right.

I did it!

(This post is way overdue, just finding some time now.)

At this moment I am so proud of myself. At the beginning of the year when I came up with the crazy idea of running a half marathon (originally for the end of April, which was postponed) I do not think that I really believed it could happen.

Running half that distance was a challenge for me, and my knees were not super thrilled, plus, let's face it, I'm not a young lady anymore and I'm athletically challenged at the best of times.

I pushed myself January-March. I had a training schedule to keep, but with my kids and work I was constantly out of time and trying to squeeze my workouts into impossible times when I should have been sleeping or doing something else that was important. I got stressed out and felt guilty about not keeping my goals, not spending enough time with kids and slipping behind at work. When I decided I wasn't ready in April and I gave myself permission to pass, two things happened: I regained my love of running, which had turned into a chore that I was starting to dread, and I became even more determined to do the 21k. I decided that I would train and run the distance late in the year. I saw the Oka run advertised and I knew it was meant to be and signed up right away.

I increased my distance gradually and didn't freak out when I had setbacks. I tried to stay as disciplined as possible, and I talked to everyone I know who runs for guidance and encouragement. I also let everyone know what I was doing so that I had a bit of guilt-support built into my routine. Sometimes your motivation on those bad days is knowing that your co-worker is going to ask you how that training is going. Some of my runs got longer, but when I could only squeeze in time for a 5k, I just did that because it was better than nothing.

In September I started running to the mountain, up the mountain, around the mountain, and back, 19k. I love this run. My favorite part is stopping at the lookout to admire the view, I feel so strong and accomplished. On Thanksgiving weekend I ran along the lake in Hamilton and when I got back and plotted my route, I realised that I had run 21k! Wow! After that weekend I took a week off in Maine and ran the 21 twice, as well as other shorter runs and hiking. I felt ready for Oka, nothing was gonna stop me, I had actually managed to plan and prepare for this, I was thrilled!
On Monday, the week before the race, I realised that I was getting a cold.
Shit.
I tried running it out of my system, but that didn't work. I worked from home most of the week and tried to rest and take vitamin c and all the stuff you should do. On Friday I went over to Adriana's and she worked her yoga magic on me with chest openers which cleared a lot of the junk in my lungs out.

That night I didn't sleep a lot, and at 5am I was up and getting ready. I packed everything just in case the weather changed. At 7 I was at the race site, the chalet was still relatively quiet. Within a half hour it was chaotic and crowded, so I was glad for my early arrival, even if it did mean some waiting around. I watched the sunrise over the water while I stretched and relaxed. A half an hour before the start time I went out to the start area and waited with all the other crazies. I found my friend Joanne and we jumped up and down trying to stay warm. It was freezing. By the time it started, the bottoms of my feet were frozen. It was good to finally start and the sun came out to warm us and melt the ice off the pavement.

I was at the back and stayed there for pretty much the entire way. I learned a few things. Runners are messy with the cups of water and throwing protein bar wrappers and tissues on the ground, they spit a lot, running clubs are way too cliquey - they move in little snobby packs, couples who run seem to stop a lot at the port-o-potties, and the really fast guys start late and run past you like you are standing still. The route was a go and double back sort of affair. The first guy passed me on his way back when I was at the 7k mark! That wasn't discouraging at all......

Most everyone else passed me around 9 or 10k which was fine. At some points I felt like I was running alone. There were a couple of people behind me, but not too many. The last couple of kilometers where I would normally feel a bit of extra energy I realised that I had nothing, probably because of being sick. All the way, the volunteers cheered us all on, it was so sweet. When I reached the finish, many cars were pulling out of the parking lot. My final time was 2:25, about 25 minutes after most people, but very respectable for me. I had my banana and bagel at the finish line and warmed up a bit at the chalet before heading home.

It was kind of anticlimactic. I'd been training for so long, now I'd done it and I was walking around feeling elated, but very alone at the same time.

I stopped at a friend's daughter's birthday party on the way home. My kids were there and many of my friends, and they all made a huge fuss over me and it was exactly what I needed, especially hugs from my two favorite people in the world. I ate like a pig and afterwards went home and got comfy on the sofa and iced my knees and tried not to move for the rest of the day. Sunday I went to yoga and once again Adriana fixed my body. On Monday I was perfectly fine.



So, the latest total (money is still coming in) is $1657 for the Children's Hospital and another $190 for the WIAHA. Thanks to everyone who donated :-)

I can't wait to do it again.

A little time off....

I'm here!
When I looked up the directions on Google maps and printed them out, I must have inadvertently chosen the "scenic but deadly" route option. I must have also mentioned "meandery" because the first thing it did was take me off the 10E, send me through Chambly, then back onto the 10E. Just a reminder that you must always read all of the directions FIRST. Whoops. Lesson learned. Perhaps Chambly is giving Google a cut, lots of new developments in that area.
So back on the 10, off at Coaticook and through to a small customs on two-lane highways, then across into Vermont. This is where any semblance between reality and the directions ended. How this could have been the shortest option boggles my mind, the ascents up several notches and hairpin turns certainly did not encourage a lot of speed. It was pretty, until nightfall and the rain started, combined with the warnings of MOOSE! posted every half mile. I was becoming immune to the exclamation points and pictures of large antlers, until I saw a moose (MOOSE!) just off the road, yet barely visible until you were right up to it. My speed dropped even more dramatically after that. Also saw two foxes and a bunch of deer.
One numbered highway turned into another, suddenly I was in NH - finally! Closer! Drove past this beautifully lit resort of some sort next to a lake. It was a surprising site. I kept going up notches, around curves, dark roads made darker by the rain. Thankfully, US drivers dim their lights when you pass, shame they all drive trucks and SUVs and blind me anyway. Finally saw a sign: [My location] (ME) 28. Whoop!
After 30 minutes of driving I entered Maine and saw another sign: [My location] 28. Ummmmm...... is there a difference between NH miles and Maine miles?
Keep driving, and....... [My location]!
Stopped at an ancient Shop and Save and picked up some basics. A million cookie varieties, one choice for plain yogurt.
Got to the cash and asked how to get to the pond and got the full Maine accent from the bag boy and was enchanted and amused. The cashier drew me a map to get out of the village, which was sweet of her. Found the place without too much backtracking. It's right off the road, but right on the pond. It is the headquarters for the Maine kitsch and knick-knack society, but completely expected and very cozy and warm, and wireless internet. I'm sitting in this rope swingy chair, like a hammock for one.
Can't wait to see how everything looks in the morning. I went out on the dock and looked up and the half-ish moon was out and the stars bright and twinkly.
I'm here.

Amsterdam to Montreal

Lazy Sunday morning and I should be doing a million other things, my house is tonrnadoed, my stuff needs organizing, breakfast. But the kids are watching a movie and I should catch everyone up. I've been doing a lot of writing, but not of the blog variety, there's a lot of stuff flying around my brain right now.



I arrived in Amsterdam and got to Jane's place early afternoon. Within a few hours, I'd already managed to be drunk, have a nice meal at a cafe, and learn how to ride on the back of a bike. It helps to have an experienced person telling you what to do. They start peddling, then you hop on to the back rack sideways and scootch around until you get your balance, and cross your ankles! That's important. Then, you hop off at intersections and hills and repeat to get back on. I didn't knock Jane off, and she told me when to hop off so I looked reasonably coordinated. I rented a bike, it was not Walter, but it was an ok bike and it served me well for a couple of days. Amsterdam is this amazing unwinding place for me. I know that it's a party town, but if you stay out of the grotty downtown area, it can be very serene and chill.



The first evening I passed out early, and the Saturday was spent running some errands, groceries, a nice lunch in a hip area of town, and a trip to the Noodermarkt where I picked up cheese and perused the antiques and flea market treasures.


I also had a scrumptious nap on her sofa. Jane made a nice dinner and we got through a couple bottles of wine. Sunday she made pancakes and I went to return my bike. I didn't realise that it was raining quite so hard and I should have borrowed an umbrella for the walk back through Vodelpark. I got back to Jane's drenched to the bone and without much extra time to dry off. I changed my jeans, put my wet clothes in a plastic bag and Jane walked me to the bus stop with a brellie. It's always nice to drop in on her for a couple of days and catch up. I got to the airport, picked checked in, picked up stroopwaffels and a few requests from duty-free, and had a decent flight home. When I arrived it was hot and sunny and I came home, picked up my car, grabbed stuff for the kids and went over to see them. Naomi ran halfway down the stairs and jumped into my arms. I'm not sure that I want to be gone for that long again without the kids, at least not when it's not completely necessary.



I love travelling, I love experiencing new things and meeting people and eating new food and just 'being' elsewhere. I get excited and engaged and my brain lights up when I walk around a new city and I see how much is different and how much is the same. It's a connection that's so important to me. So I'm caught between my desire to be elsewhere and my need to be with my kids. It was very obvious that the kids were effected by my long absence this time around. I was too. Naomi seemed so much bigger when I saw her. The best part of this week has been waking up and cuddling with the kids first thing in the morning. Ben has told me many times how happy he is that I am back from Sweden, which melts my heart every time I hear it.
The jetlag is finally fading. It was pretty bad, for the first couple of days I had dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy. It's taking a while to get back into the right mindset, and frankly I'm feeling a bit ambivalent. I've been reminded again of what I want, what I really want to make me happy. Now that I'm home I feel restless and too overwhelmed and tired to get anything done.
I need to have a good long look and let go of some things that are weighing me down and start making other things more of a priority. I'm not getting to a point where I feel empty all the time ever again.

Here I go again

and where have I been?

Things have been unseasonably hectic this past week, heck, this past few weeks. I'm preparing for another business trip and a vacation, work is crazy and for the first time in a while I am excited and feel creative, focused, and engaged about the things we are trying to accomplish. I will be meeting a part of my family that I thought would be lost forever and the anticipation of that is wonderful. Will they be amazing? Will they be strange? Will I like them? Will they like me? I will explain more later, the story is series of coincidences that managed to fit together as if planned.
My emotions on other matters have also been in turmoil and earlier this week, for some bizarre reason, all of that settled in my head and the anxiety disappeared. I have no idea why, but peace and a calm decisiveness seems to have arrived and everything seems very clear to me. The soft, warm breeze is back and I feel a love for me that has been missing for a while.
I am ready for some change and to accept some loss, I am ready for a change and accepting that I am not an island.
I'm ready, let's go.

From a tornado to a soft warm breeze, well, sort of.....

It's spring here, that means that the lovely sunny weather we have had has turned cold and grey, and it's time for a weather and progress report. The winter was cold at times, stormy, but also beautiful and clean. Things lay dormant and I focused on what was happening inside for a while. My long-term goal is to continue to become a happier person. How am I doing? What have I learned?
First of all, I'm way too uptight about stuff. That does have its good points, but I am learning that I've got to be a little less up in people's faces and that goes for me as well. Forcing the world into my square peg/round hole view is exhausting and futile. I'm trying to be more forgiving, more open, more understanding. Some days this is also exhausting, but when I succeed I feel better about what I'm doing and less frustrated with others and myself.
I've talked about my problem with hurrying before. What is my rush? I'm slowing down, letting some responsibilities go, resetting priorities. What's more important? Getting to work on time or stopping to look at something in the park on the walk across to the school? I'm also driving a little less like a lunatic and actually getting a chuckle by frustrating hurried drivers behind me. Hey, gotta have fun somewhere!
I'm taking the time to enjoy myself as well. More concerts, more evenings with friends, more conversations with colleagues, and so much more planned this year!
I am not succeeding to do this every day. Most of the time I realise that I'm being a tornado mid-whirl and try to repair my damage. When I am able to still myself I feel so good that I know I want to continue this work I'm doing. It's just taking a lot longer than the tornado part of me wants to accept.

Limitless

A few weeks ago I was talking about running a half marathon in April. I heard about it in February, and thought that it would be a good idea to challenge myself and to raise money for charity. I figured out a training schedule, and it involved training every day (running or cross training), but my hectic work schedule made sticking to it impossible. I kept trying to fit it in every day and some days it worked and others I just could not find the time, or I was making the time and then having to work late at night to make up time. I realised that I was spending my days feeling guilty for not training, or worn out from staying up too late instead of enjoying my runs. Then I got sent to Sweden and that threw everything off. I managed less than a handful of runs and felt incredibly bad. When I got back home, it was time to face some facts. I'm not ready, and I will not be ready by the time the race comes around for a half. I'm going to continue to train for the half, and work up to it later this year, but for now, I have to be content to do what my body can do and enjoy what I've managed to achieve. Pushing myself further than I can go and putting all this pressure on myself is not the way I want to live. I will get there, I have time, I'm not quitting, I'm remembering that sometimes there is no timetable on your goals.

Positive thinking, it's not just for breakfast anymore

So I was reading this excellent book review a couple of days ago and it got me to thinking. The review was of a book by Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. I haven't read it, but the title tells you the subject and stance. The author addresses the mass-mania positive thinking has in our society.
As witnessed, there has been a lot of positive thinking going on on this blog as of late. Most of it stems from the fact that I am generally a pretty happy person, but I also believe that positive things happen to positive people and that sometimes you just have to slap that smile back on your face and keep moving in order to get out of places of pain, ("smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking"). This all comes from the belief that everything happens for a reason and no pain lasts forever - at some point some new pain will come to take its place ;-)
With all that said, I know that sometimes it's just all blah blah blah. The idea that we should be happy all the time is an impossibility. We are all going to have bad stuff happen: heartbreak, loss, failure, disappointment, it's what we do with the bad stuff that matters. When you can take a soul-sucking failure and turn it into a life lesson and move on, that's a good thing - when you refuse to acknowledge your failure and quote something you heard on Oprah, well, that's stupid.

Ehrenreich talks about being shunned when she was being treated for cancer. Apparently failure is not an option, and she was criticized for expressing her feelings because she should have been spending all her time fighting off the cancer with positive energy. In our world of teddy bears and pink ribbons what is a woman to do when she feels mad and sad about her cancer? Is there no room for individual thought? There's a lot to be said on this subject. Let's face it, the ribbons have gotten out of control - they are on lapels, pickup trucks, hanging from houses, and even show up in emails made out of \ and |. They have come to symbolize the insipidness of people to follow blindly in large groups, it's like Mary Kay, only terrible because breast cancer awareness and all the fund raising should be a subject we respect. All too often now, the pink ribbons represent a roll-your-eyes symbol of fat ladies walking in large groups with inspirational music playing in the background. Not to say that this doesn't have its place, but being able to have one's own thoughts about one's illness is important.

So how do we find sincere positive thinking? Well, for starters, it has to be actual thinking, something that comes from the individual. Jumping on the bandwagon to raise money is all fine and good, but to gain anything on a personal level you have to think for yourself. Most of all, you have to be honest with yourself and not dismiss your less-than-positive feelings, they are an important part of the process as long as you learn to let them go.

And when all else fails, ice cream and your girlfriends solve nearly everything....

You say you want a resolution?

I've been working on this post in my head for a while and thinking, and rethinking. My end of year post gave the general outline of what I want to do this year: continue to follow my heart and my interests, appreciate and love my life and the people in it and let the positive stuff in.
I have a few specific goals that are on their way. I have a notebook with a list of things that I am currently writing, researching, or are just floating around in my head. I will focus enough this year to finish a few of them. My biggest stumbling block has never been writing, I write constantly, compulsively, my block has always been in believing that my writing is good enough for other people to read. I'm not talking about the writing I do for work every day, I'm talking about personal writing, the kind that is so hard to hear criticized. It's far from perfect, but a few people have encouraged me this year and I think that I have the confidence to put more of my words out into the world. Some of my hopes and dreams are a bit more lofty and I will keep them under my hat for the moment. I can visualize them, but advertising them seems a bit much even for me.
It always seems to boil down to confidence, and how easily that confidence can ebb and flow. If I have to choose one thing to accomplish within me, I think it will be to believe in myself, to believe in what I think and feel and do and try not to falter.
If possible, I would also like to learn to conduct a rudimentary conversation in Swedish, to swim laps gracefully, and to finally get my brain and body coordinated enough to juggle, but I won't be greedy.
Ok, time to get the party started.