Resolve

It’s the beginning of the new year, so it’s time for resolutions and reflections. When I woke up this morning, I thought the following:
I am happy to be waking up in a warm bed, in a cozy dwelling. I am not hungry, I am not sick, I am alive and I can see the sunlight on the trees and the snow outside, making them sparkle. I have two beautiful children who dazzle me with their growing and person-ness. I have family who loves me and tries to take care of me. I have a few friends, just enough, who support me and love me in everything I do. I have a mind that thinks and creates and dreams and loves impossibly beautiful things.
Everything that I need or I want in this world is possible for me to grasp.
I am so very fortunate.
I just need to remember, and truly believe that. That is my resolution for this year. I will believe that I am fortunate, that I am beautiful just the way that I am. I will do the things that make me happy, and work from a sense of purpose rather than a sense of duty. I will believe in my friends’ dreams and cheer them on as they climb. I will listen more. I will encourage my children and try to be the example. I will be my heart, I will listen to it and appreciate that it is unique and crazy and marvelous.
And I will try to ignore the parts of me, and the parts of others, who tell me different.
All the best for 2013. It will be a good year

Merry Christmas to all

It's the long weekend, do you know where your ninja is?

The long weekend had its periods of sucky dampness, crying and whining children, and general exhaustion, but redeemed itself at the end.

Friday it rained, really rained, rained like people should drag out their ark plans and make a trip to the lumber store. Of course the morning started at 6am because we didn't have to get up early. I turned on the tv, a mom's snooze button, and tried to get a bit more shuteye, but sure enough, as soon as I would drift off, I heard the requests: could we have milk, could we have breakfast, could I have an apple, can we make collages, glass of water, new show, can you move the livingroom more to the left -ok, so nevermind the sleep. After the needs were met and I had coffee, I wondered what we should do. There was a break in the weather after lunch, so we put on our boots and coats and headed for the park, stopping briefly to pick up another kid to give her folks a chance to clean their house in peace. The kids didn't care that it was lightly raining, and there was a lot of running around and bickering and laughing and whining and experiments involving puddles and sand.



After a couple of hours we went back to the friend's house where we were preparing to have a BBQ. All the adults were around the BBQ or in the kitchen hanging out while the children ran up and down the hallway. One of the girls started to cry hysterically and her mom went to take care of her, then she saw Naomi, silent, blood pouring out of her mouth. They had a head on collision, head into face. Ahhhhh! I freaked out internally and got my daughter in the bathroom. Once the shock wore off she started to cry uncontrollably, she was obviously freaked out by the blood and the sharp blow to the mouth caused by the hard little skull. Wanna hear something sweet? While we were in the bathroom and she was bleeding and crying and I'm trying to figure out how bad the damage is and trying to calm her down, the first thing she said was, "I want Benny". He was playing legos, oblivious, but came right away and gave her a hug and sat next to her while we waited for the bleeding to stop. It kept bleeding and she wanted to go home, so she and I went home and Ben stayed because he wanted to eat BBQ. She cried all the way home, clutching the white face cloth to her mouth and sobbing. She is normally such a tough kid, I'm not used to her hurting herself and not shaking it off. Once we got home and I gave her some ice cream and put on a movie she calmed down and was fine. Both top front teeth are really loose though, one is SUPER loose. Good thing they have to come out anyway. Other than the teeth, she was fine the next day.

Saturday we watched cartoons and after lunch we jumped in the car to go and see Kung Fu Panda 2. It was funny and the kids are so well behaved at movies now. Then it was a few errands and McDonald's and home.

Sunday started out with a plan to go to the Redpath museum, which is small, but has one dinosaur. Ben was whiny, made more whiny because he couldn't find his ninja to play with in the car and I wasn't going to spend hours looking for it. So the ninja sorrow loop started, where he tells me how sad he is, and how he wanted to play with it in the car, and how we should go back so he could can clean his room and find it and bring it. When I tell him he can play with it some other time in the car, he wails, when I tell him that he should keep his room clean so he knows where his ninja is, he tells me I'm being mean. His sister takes this opportunity to crow about how nice she is being and tells Ben to stop crying like a baby, which of course amplifies the wailing and screaming by 300%. I admit defeat and crank up the piano concerto on the car stereo. We get to the museum, after parking and making a still sad and now sniffling son tie his own shoe (I'm such a beast!), and we find that the museum is closed.
Drat.
I put on a happy face and suggested we make the best of it by walking down to the art gallery a few blocks away. Ben forgot all about the ninja and now started in on how he wanted to see the dinosaur - all the way down Sherbrooke Street. No amount of telling him that I, being a total failure as a parent by lacking the necessary lock-picking skills or having the foresight to bring a crowbar, could dessuade him of the impossibility of going to a closed museum. So I smiled and pulled him along while the dinosaur sorrow loop played on. We got to the art museum and went in to see the Jean-Paul Gauthier exhibit.



Not really all that kid-friendly, but at least the bright, outlandish outfits were interesting, as were the mannikins that talked. We whizzed through the exhibit without time to read anything, and then stopped by the Greek and Egyptian rooms below. Naomi was amused by the naked lower half of a man carved in marble. It is a truth universally acknowledged that bums and penises are very funny.



Leaving, it was Naomi's turn to have a freak out because she refused to believe we were finished. Cue girl with an attitude being very rude to her mother - man I so deserve it, but so young? We walked back to the car and headed over to Peter and Lysanne's for a book giveaway/cookie eating shindig. Lots of fun and the kids played in the backyard. The sun was out, it was hot and beautiful. Then we were invited over to a BBQ at Aaron's where the kids ran around in his backyard and we had yummy food and let the Sunday end on a relaxing note. I could be in a falling aircraft and that man's smile would make me burst into song.



(Yeah I know I should have a picture of him smiling here, but he is notoriously awful about smiling for photos, so just look at the tree fort. I'll put in a random picture of him smiling when I'm talking about something completely different.)

Then we got home and I realised that my house key had fallen out of my pocket on Aaron's sofa.
Drat.
Luckily this was remedied quickly and then it was a flurry of bathing and pyjamas and slightly more attitude to get the kids into bed and then another couple of hours preparing everything for first day of daycamp and daycare and lunches and laundry. Cue collapsed but happy.

Way to holiday St Jean Baptiste!

the rest of the holiday

I had this long description of Christmas, but it was boring, so here are the highlights:
Kids slept in until 7 Christmas Day! They were so excited that Santa had come and ripped open most of the presents before I had time to make coffee.



Ben - lego
Naomi - dolls
Me - watching my kids jumping up and down - Santa magic is the best magic


Pancakes
Park
Chicken dinner
Visit Steve
Supper, and FIREWORKS! The kids' first ones and they loved them.
Amazing day.



In between we went out to the townships for Christmas with my folks and I had a walk under a sky full of bright stars with only the sound of the snow crunching under my feet. New Years Eve was quiet, we went up to the mountain and walked up to the chalet and played. Dinner with Debbie, watching the ball drop.



New Years Day was a run in the rain - my first longer run in weeks, and it felt GREAT!
Now in clean out mode, and a bit of sedentary slouch. Work tomorrow.....gahhhhh.....

wonderland

Last night while we were sleeping, the snow came.
It wasn't a lot, a bit more than a dusting, enough to have to brush off the car, and wear boots, and even enough in some places to make snow angels. The kids woke up late (I woke up early, why can't sleep ever coordinate?) and came in for a snuggle and we talked for a bit about our dreams and the plans for the day. Then, I told them to go and look out the window. There was much excited jumping up and down and pleas for snowman making. The sun came out, making the new white cover sparkle as we got outside and cleaned the car to go to N's dance class. Neighbours were out, and the kids and the dogs were ecstatic, the kids eagerly pointing their heads to the sky to catch a drop on the tongue, the dogs running along with heads down pushing snow and inhaling a smell long missing. My thoughts turned to the holidays and I closed my eyes to take in that fresh, crisp snow smell as well.
The first snow is magical.

It's Monday, this must be Finland

I spent the week working in the office and then we found out that there was going to be a delay in the project. I was planning on taking some time to visit family in Finland near the end of my stay, but because of the hold up, I contacted my relatives and they were more than happy to receive me a little early, so I booked a flight and off I went!

Like Sweden, it is unusually cold here for this time of year. I packed for a normal Swedish May and was surprised to discover that I should have packed more sweaters and fewer sandals....whoops! Jess loaned me a sweater and I bought a pair of pants, so I'm not so bad off now.
So yes, I arrived in Finland on a cold, grey day and found Mariella, my mom's cousin, waiting for me in a gorgeous red coat, a nice contrast with the weather.

We hugged and then ran to her car and drove to the cemetery to plant some roses on my great-grandfather's grave. Mariella's mom is also buried there. It was mother's day, I missed talking to my kids which was upsetting, but I did get a video.
After the cemetery, we went back to Mariella's home in Espoo and had some tea and talked and she brought out pictures and before you know it it was dinner time so we had a nice meal and then I had a shower and a sauna in hopes of clearing out the cold I've been fighting off. I felt much better by the time I returned upstairs, and we watched the very end of Der Rosencavalier being broadcast on tv. Mariella's a big opera fan which I was very excited to hear. The next time I visit we will try to go to the opera together :-)

So I am perfectly at home and this morning I have been lolling around and had another sauna and had some coffee and tried to walk the dog but he wasn't keen to go out or he doesn't understand because he only speaks Finnish. Later we will go out and see a bit of Helsinki and then go to another cousin's house for a meal and meet more family. How wonderful to realise that you have more people to love in this world.

A glorious weekend

Montreal had a little taste of summer for the Easter weekend. We were all shocked and overjoyed when the lovely meteorologists informed us that we would have temps over 20C for three days! Global warming, schmobal warming, this rocks! I did some work Friday, and then went with a friend to Rapids Park in the late afternoon and spent time there watching the water and enjoying the heat and the sun with the other happy people who were also there enjoying it with us.


This is an amazing time of year because city folk get so caught up in the promise of the summer that we end up walking around with smiles and temporary good will to our fellow Montrealers. This lasts until the traffic, heat, and crowds of the numerous festivals harden our hearts again.
Saturday started with a nice long run and then I had plans for fish pedicures with Libby and Melissa, but Libby got sick and stayed in Toronto. Melissa and I went and had a great time having some lunch, catching up, getting our feet nibbled, then groomed and polished, and then we each found a great little summer dress on St Denis.



The temp got up to 26C and the clothing was scanty on the Plateau. We came out from our pedis and even in our modest summer outfits had a sexy strut up St Laurent. Melissa was telling me that in Vancouver (she lived there for several years before returning), men don't stare because they tend to get ridiculed by the ultra-feminists. I'm so glad that is not true here. In Montreal, men know how to look at women, and for the most part the Plateau guys are less leery "how you doin?" and more intense momentary appreciation. I think it's harmless and it always gives me a little extra wiggle in the caboose. Later in the evening, I headed over to Verdun and hung out with Maggie and the family visiting for Easter supper. The vodka and tonic was flowing as we sat out in the back garden and then the kitchen.



Sunday started with another run, then I picked up the kids, got Nomi into her Easter dress, and we headed for the townships to see my folks for Easter and to celebrate my dad's birthday. It was warm and sunny again, so we were able to have an egg hunt outside. The kids ran all over the place, we ate, I even managed a short nap. We got home late, but the kids are off tomorrow, so we'll have a low key day and collect ourselves for the rest of the week.
There were so many reasons to love this weekend - I hope yours was amazing too :-)

Stollen

Ok, so the food thoughts are piling up. This year I finally wanted to make stollen again. For so many years I haven't gotten around to it at Christmas, but this year I vowed to make the time. The first one that I tried before Christmas was a disaster! The yeast was dead, and I steadfastly thought it would pull itself together if I just kept at it. I wasted ingredients, I wasted half a day, I ate some of it anyway because it was soooooo good, even flattened and unworthy of photography!
After Christmas was over and I had some free time, I went back into the kitchen and tried again, and this time, success!

From Food - 2010

Stollen that I see everywhere has that log of marzipan in the middle. I hate that, it reminds me of a hard-boiled egg and I find it hard to eat and ugly. Sometimes I don't use marzipan at all, but I found a version where you cut the marzipan up into small pieces and mix it into an almond paste you put together with butter, almond meal, and rum. The results are out of this world: a moist bread with a gooey sweet layer of almondy yum inside the sweet bread dough with citrus peel and cherries - your entire mouth hums when you take a bite.

From Food - 2010

I found myself wondering why I do not make this all the time. Ok, so I would weigh 500 pounds, but that'd be ok, wouldn't it?

Me day

As part of my new Christmas traditions, I think I will create a me day, that is, a day over the holidays where I do nothing but sit around lazily and do stuff I can never justify doing all day. Today my ex picked up the kids to take them to Ottawa and my folks left soon after that, so I had the house to myself. I did not clean, or do laundry, or bake, or cook, or catch up on work. Instead, I sat on the sofa and read, watched dvds, ate a ton of leftover holiday food, started crocheting a robot, and listened to music. I also took a bath and painted my toenails. It was a day of complete and total idleness, the only thing missing was a nap. Too many times I find that I never take the time for me, I think that it's selfish to put me first, or when I do I feel guilty about it and it lessens the joy of the time I am taking. NO MORE! I deserve to stop moving, working, cleaning and whatever else once in a while and I'm doing it! Perhaps I will try to take one day a month and just stop the world. A bit of self-imposed sloth is good for the soul.

Keep in mind I love my dad

There's a famous Twitter feed called Shit My Dad Says, well, this is my version. Every year we go through this, and if I don't laugh, I might cry.

Things my Dad has discovered this Christmas, again.....

• My stairs are too steep.
  
• I have neighbours.
  
• I have neighbours and he can hear them, and wonders what they are doing.
  
• His incredibly expensive hearing aid only works if he takes it out of his bag and inserts it into his ear (I'm still waiting).
  
• The kids talk fast.
  
• The tv still functions at volumes under 20.
  
• My ipod shuffle. Yes there's music on that little thing, it's not a radio.
  
• Boris Karloff is the voice of the Grinch.
  
• Lime-flavoured fizzy water.
  
• I don't like cranberry sauce.
  
• I only get two English tv stations, and I don't care.
  
• I read a lot.
  
• That temperatures and distances are given in metric.
  
• I've always had that mole.
  
• I don't need to know the weather, I can look outside and figure it out.
  
• The number of electrical outlets in my house (there are not that many).
  
• Pomegranates.
  
• What I do for a living.
  
• Hummus.

Day's done

The day is over! It started for me at about 3am when my daughter woke up and came looking for me, banging her head into my bedroom door, closed because her grandparents were sleeping there. She crawled on to the sofa with me, a tight space to say the least, and cuddled into me as I held onto her to keep her from falling off, and she fell back to sleep. I slept fitfully after that of course, but my arm fell asleep, so part of me was well rested at least. Did I mention that she's getting sick and is coughing and a little ball of phlegm? Yup, lucky me......
My son woke up at 7 and ran out to inspect the scene, then ran in to tell the grandfolks. After that we were all up, children were excited, Ben was a bit unimpressed that Santa did not finish all the cookies. Coffee was made, then we all sat around and Ben did an excellent job of handing out gifts. Transformers, princesses, ponies, puzzles, games, clothes, and books were opened and appreciated. I got my winter car mats, although they will have to sit in the stairwell until my car returns from the shop. It was a great morning. After, we walked over singing Christmas songs to Steve's place where he had prepared a brunch and there were more presents from Santa. I left the kids and the folks there for a couple of hours and came home, got changed, and went for a glorious run. My running schedule has been sporadic lately and today was mild and the roads were fairly clear. I got home and put the squash in the oven and sat on the sofa with a novel and a blanket and enjoyed some me time. Then came the clean up, and the dinner prep. The family returned, dinner was completed and served, the kids did not try most of the food on the table, but did very well with dessert. We watched the Grinch, then everyone went to bed, including my folks. I'm about to collapse too. Let's hope there are no nighttime wanderings tonight.

and to all a good night

It is now the night before Christmas. The sofa arrived first thing this morning, the kids were watching cartoons and we were in our jammies when the men delivered, unwrapped, and attached the legs, leaving a nice place to sit and slushy mud on the floor. The children had it disassembled into cushions on the floor and were hanging off it at funny angles within 20 minutes - how and why kids do this I have NO idea. I had a chance to sit on it for about 15 minutes and it seems just fine. The rest of my day was spent tidying and prepping salads and such. The folks arrived and by the time they got upstairs already seemed like they'd run a marathon. Coffee was prepared, sandwiches were made. The kids were out of their heads with excitement. They wanted to show Grandma and Poppy everything! My mom helped the kids make little graham cracker houses and decorate them. The kids decided to have a storytelling session in Ben's room with a lantern. They took turns making up stories, combinations of super heroes, spongebob, princesses, and curiously, Peter and the Wolf. After supper there were baths and then Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, my all-time favorite. My folks stayed up for a while, but now they've gone to bed and I have the livingroom to myself, enjoying the Vince Guaraldi on the stereo, the nightcap, the pretty lights on the tree, and sneaking some of Santa's cookies.
I have lots more to say about the year, and I will, but right now let me just say to the three people who read this with any regularity, Merry Christmas. I hope that you are enjoying the spirit of the holiday, taking the time to smile and laugh with a neighbour, share some food with friends, hug your family, love this incredible life and hold it close. This moment, sitting here, taking in the scene, complete with messy house, is still so sweet. I have everything I need.

Twas the day before the day before Christmas

Project Christmas My Way is so far pretty smooth. I just finished some baking this morning so that I could put together the daycare Christmas goodie packages for all the ladies. They look forward to my baking all year, bless their hearts. All the bags are done - phew!
Ben is with me today, so we played for a bit this morning and then ran out to do groceries, mail Christmas cards, and buy some coffee. Anthony at the coffeeshop made Ben a special vanilla drink when he offered Ben hot chocolate and Ben told him he only liked vanilla. Is there anything dreamier than a man who can make the perfect coffee AND concocts the perfect drink for your son? I have a little crush now ;-)
The only thing not ready is the house, it is a disorganized mess. The kitchen especially looks like I emptied all the cupboards on the counters and then sprinkled the lot with flour. Tomorrow the morning will be spent trying to tidy up so that my new sofa can be delivered without incident and my folks aren't tripping over transformers, shoes, and Disney princesses.
Last night I wrapped presents and started watching True Blood, a vampire series that Steve loaned me. I really like it so far, it's quirky, it's funny, it's oddly acted.
Ok, so the car. It's bad, several thousand dollars bad. I was coming up to an intersection, the light turned yellow, the guy in front of me didn't slow, so I thought he was going for it, then he changed his mind. I slammed on my brakes when he stopped fairly suddenly, but slid into him at a pretty fast clip. The front of the car crumpled, emergency vehicles arrived, luckily I was alone and the guy was alone and neither of us was hurt in any way that required the ambulance. My car was not drivable, so was towed to my bodyshop and I have a loaner until they can repair it. I'm still a bit sore and feeling dumb. Honestly, what was my hurry? The universe is telling me to slow down, I have to try to learn this lesson. I have all the time in the world.

Give me something sweet

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love baking. It started with cookies, chocolate chip cookies to be precise. When I was a kid I went on the quest for the perfect chocolate chip cookie, and I made batch after batch with different recipes and different chips until I found a combination that I loved. I drooled over Kitchenaid mixers like some people drool over sports cars, and for my bridal shower my friends all chipped in and got me one. It is the most beautiful appliance ever. I like eating what I bake, but to tell the truth I don't actually eat that much of it; the pleasure for me is watching other people enjoy it, giving it away and watching people smile and eat. For many people baking is like a lost art, they think that making a batch of cookies or baking a cake is almost impossible or it takes too much time (it really doesn't). I think that it goes beyond the fact that it tastes one hundred times better. You are offering people love when you give food, something that you took the time to prepare, something you planned and made the effort to create for them. That is what is so amazing about the gesture.

But really people, it's just a cookie :-)



So this weekend I made up some Christmas cookie doughs and headed over to Lysanne's place for cookiepalooza. I brought gingerbread, spice, and cinnamon sugar, she made up a batch of pistachio cranberry biscotti and these moist molasses cookies that were divine and kinda healthy, and we baked all afternoon and each got some of the other's goods.



I still have much more baking to do, but it was a great start and it's so much fun getting together with a friend and sharing a laugh and some recipes.
The kids still have to help me with some gingerbread too, it's my favorite part of the holidays. They love to roll the dough and cut out the shapes and decorate, and then eat - love in every delicious bite.

Big dig 1

It has not been the greatest week. My most pressing concern, which has put a few things in perspective, is my kids. We had our first big dump of snow and it's been a joy watching the kids relish in hiking through it, laying in it, and eating it and embracing the snow pants. They've gone a bit Christmas insane, decorating, talking about Santa, singing the carols they're learning for their pageants. When I've had a crap day it's the best thing in the world to see the magic in their eyes.
I've needed my friends again like crazy this week and they have once again delivered. I promise them that one day I will be there for them as much as they have been there for me, reminding me that I'm an awesome, huge-hearted, creative, beautiful gal with a great sense of humour and great gams :-)
So first snow has come and now the clean up begins, clearing it up, regaining the spaces taken up with the chaos of snowbanks and buried cars. The city is returning to normal, I'm returning to normal, a bit more exhausted from the shovelling out.

That snowy feeling

Woke up this morning with a foot in my ear-my daughter climbed in and slept fitfully from about 3am. When I got out of the shower and got the kids up, I walked into the kitchen and looked out the window for the first time and realised that there was snow on the ground. I immediately yelled to the kids to go and look out the front window. The next thing that I heard was their squeals of delight and I joined them to see the light coating of wet white on the trees, the lawns, the cars. Here we go again.
I don't always like snow and winter, but how can you not get excited when you see the big flakes falling and your children are jumping up and down? It's not here too early, I didn't have to shovel, I have new snow tires, I'm ready baby!
Talk immediately turned to Christmas. I have not been a fan of Christmas in recent years. I hate the hype, the shopping, the spending, the feeling that it's something to rush through and then it's over and I'm tired and I feel like I missed it. This year I will try to do what I want to do - Christmas baking, if I have time make a few things for people, getting together with friends, stopping to enjoy moments through the eyes of my kids. Yes, it will probably still run by, but I think I'm ready to try to love it again. And it will start with a little music...

Ben skates!

Ben skates!
Originally uploaded by dina the m and o

Ben did great skating on Dow Lake in Ottawa. Look at him go!

And so that was Christmas

My Christmas in a bullet list:

• Ate too many cookies.
  
• Am running slower than before Christmas. But I'm running, so that's something.
  
• Got new running shoes, they rock! And a gc for lululemon - gateway to pants that promise to make my butt look divine!
  
• Kids got too much stuff, I blame the grandparents.
  
• Everyone crowded into our tiny place and ate and drank and were generally merry.
  
• The kids were amazing when they weren't too tired or hopped up on sugar.
  
• Four of our five houseguests got sick after they left. I blame the children.
  
• Managed to enjoy some eggnog/fireplace time.
  
• Weather lovely and mild, although this made it icy as well.
  
• Baking almost all gone, will have to make sure it's gone by the end of the week.
  
• Made soup.
  
• Made a couple of great salads. In-laws found them "interesting".
  
• House still a disaster area. Must get things organized!
  
• Dad got pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. He'll be ok, but it's still scary.
  
• Didn't manage to get to see everyone over the holiday, but there's still a few more days!