Death by princess

I'm in the kitchen, my daughter comes in.

Naomi: "Mom! An ant!" (We still have a bad ant problem in my house).
Me: "Oh yeah."
N: Maybe I'll pet it."
M: Um, ok.
N: "Or maybe I'll kill it."
Naomi leaves the kitchen and returns with a small princess figurine. She crouches down on the floor and proceeds to pound the ant to shreds with the princess.
N: "I killed it! It's dead! Benny, come look at the ant, I killed it!"

Never a prouder moment.......

The ants come marching in

It's Spring, and that means flowers, sunshine, and the return of all things creepy and crawly. I spent a couple of years in Florida, so I know about all kinds of bugs, disgusting bugs, bugs that show up in such great numbers that you wonder why they do not control the earth. I have lived with them, squished them, drowned them, bombed them, and accidentally swallowed them. I like bugs, outside. I am much less pleased with them in my house, and in particular, in my kitchen. Imagine my thrill when I walked into my kitchen two weekends ago and saw a big old ant crawling across the floor. Then another. Then another. I live on the second floor, so I'm not exactly sure where they are coming from, and I didn't have any last year. My housekeeping skills are not stellar, and the little buggers seemed quite excited by the smarties Naomi dropped on the floor a while back. I got my shoe, took care of the ants, disposed of the smarties, vacuumed, washed the floor, killed a few more and tried to figure out exactly where they were coming from. I still haven't found out yet. I had a couple of ant traps, so I put those down. Every day I am still finding a couple, but they show up in random places and they always seem to be alone: the counter, one on the stove, in the dishwasher, by the cat food bowl, and this morning I found one trapped in the sugar bowl, which scared the heck out of both of us.
The next step is removing everything from the pantry and wiping it down and putting it all back making sure that it's all properly sealed in containers and ziploc baggies. That, and maybe dumping a big pile of sugar in the back garden. Until they are willing to pay rent, they are not welcome. This is war....

The f word

So last Tuesday I'm sitting at work and all I can think about is..... fudge. I posted it on a status line in Facebook, then there were many other people who suddenly wanted fudge, I told a couple of people at work, and the infection spread. People were cursing me left, right, and centre. What's a girl to do? Go on the Internet of course and find a whole bunch of recipes for fudge, stop at the grocery store on the way home, and voila!

From Food - 2010

This version was named after someone's aunt and was made of milk and semisweet chocolate, evaporated milk, butter, marshmallow fluff, vanilla, and nuts. Getting marshmallow fluff out of the jar is a big pain in the butt. You really can't get it all out and it sticks to everything. It never really got creamy and I had to add more evaporated milk to it to thin it out.

From Food - 2010

I found it a bit gritty, but I took it to work and everyone seemed to like it. I've been nibbling at it too and it's growing on me, but I know I can do much better. Thus begins the great fudge-making endeavour of 2010!
Everyone get out your fat pants......there's gonna be some tasting.

Stollen

Ok, so the food thoughts are piling up. This year I finally wanted to make stollen again. For so many years I haven't gotten around to it at Christmas, but this year I vowed to make the time. The first one that I tried before Christmas was a disaster! The yeast was dead, and I steadfastly thought it would pull itself together if I just kept at it. I wasted ingredients, I wasted half a day, I ate some of it anyway because it was soooooo good, even flattened and unworthy of photography!
After Christmas was over and I had some free time, I went back into the kitchen and tried again, and this time, success!

From Food - 2010

Stollen that I see everywhere has that log of marzipan in the middle. I hate that, it reminds me of a hard-boiled egg and I find it hard to eat and ugly. Sometimes I don't use marzipan at all, but I found a version where you cut the marzipan up into small pieces and mix it into an almond paste you put together with butter, almond meal, and rum. The results are out of this world: a moist bread with a gooey sweet layer of almondy yum inside the sweet bread dough with citrus peel and cherries - your entire mouth hums when you take a bite.

From Food - 2010

I found myself wondering why I do not make this all the time. Ok, so I would weigh 500 pounds, but that'd be ok, wouldn't it?

My year in nouns

This post is hard to write because there's just so much to say that it's hard to organize. As the year draws closed, I am of course thinking about all that has happened: realising how unhappy I had become and learning to express it, a soul-searching trip, my marriage ending, moving, sorting out the kids, writing, finding my voice, stumbling, getting out into the world, learning some new lessons, realising that I'm just fine. It's been a wild ride. I think the best way to sort it out is by quoting School House Rock, "I find it quite interesting, a noun's a person, place, or thing".

Persons
People come into your life for a reason. I have always believed this. This year I made a few new friends, reconnected with some old ones, forged stronger relationships with many, and discovered hope and joy and new branches within my family.
I also met a few men who taught me a lot about relationships and myself, some of it amazing, and some of it not. There was disappointment, but for every ending something new is gained and begun. I know this even though some days I feel less than the beautiful person I am. The big one: I deserve nothing less than the best, most sincere, feel-it-in-your-gut love.
I discovered just how many friends I truly have this year and they've put up with the mania and the pity parties and the broken record affirmations and will have to continue putting up with it for a while yet. Sorry..... I am getting better.
The bigger one: I have so many people in this world who love me. I cannot take that for granted, it is something to be thankful for and mindful of. Relationships take effort and if you don't make the honest effort, you will not be rewarded. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely and tired and down, I close my eyes and remember that I am loved in this world, that I have love, that I deserve it because I give it out every day. The people in my life are my greatest gift, every one there to help me, guide me, teach me, give me laughter and sometimes feed me. I love you all.



Not pictured, but I love you too!: Bev, Kim, Mark, Danny, Lisa, Alison, and Adriana's mom. And of course Ken, an asshole and I do not love him, but significant.

My one big sticking point is Richard, my heart is still full of the man I wanted him to be. I deeply miss that man; although imaginary, he was lovely. I know he doesn't deserve anything and that he's not that man, I'm just being honest.
Adriana's mom sent along some advice, "Fuck a issa". Says it all, really.

Places
I was miserable, things were coming to a head, I felt trapped and I didn't know what to do. At exactly that moment, a long business trip saved my soul, confirmed my sanity, set me on the path I needed to take even though it was the hardest thing to do. The universe gives you what you need, you have to use it. After that came my new place, another gift from the universe: the right size and location. For the rest of the year I have been exploring, alone and with the kids. I did a lot of hiking, took architectural tours of the city, took a trip to visit friends in Ontario and drank my way through some wineries, went out and spent time with friends, went to concerts, lectures, let myself follow all my interests and indulge in my favorite thing - discovering. I never want it to stop......



Things
I have discovered this year that many things are not important and I have to let go of them. Moving showed me that I don't need a lot of things - I say this even though my house still seems to be bursting with too much stuff. In any case, there were many things that did have a huge place in my life this year: Music - Bach, Vince Guaraldi, Elbow, Tchaikovsky, Bela Fleck, Stevie Wonder, Holly Cole, and anything on my running ipod. Books - too many to count, but certainly Elizabeth Gilbert, Eric Siblin, Stieg Larsson, Jane Austen, Jhumpa Lahiri, Jane Jacobs, and Pearl S Buck. Thoughts and ideas, about life, who I am, what I'm doing, happiness, what is fair, what is right, what matters and what does not in my life all came to be very important and I know I overthought everything. There were also new acquisitions: the cursed car, some fabulous shoes, a camera, appliances, and now a sofa. Whether all of these were required is yet to be determined.



Some other categories also come to mind.

Food

This is just a smattering of the food from the year. Next year brings so much more!



Family
The most important part of my life and what has really kept me going is the support of my family and my superfantastic amazingo children. What adventures we will have next year!



What did I say? Long post? I did leave one thing for very last, which perhaps should be first: me.



I love me and will continue to love me more, love my friends and family more, love food, and music, and writing, and discovering, and even the assholes and the disappointments because they are all part of me.
Life is good.

Give me something sweet

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love baking. It started with cookies, chocolate chip cookies to be precise. When I was a kid I went on the quest for the perfect chocolate chip cookie, and I made batch after batch with different recipes and different chips until I found a combination that I loved. I drooled over Kitchenaid mixers like some people drool over sports cars, and for my bridal shower my friends all chipped in and got me one. It is the most beautiful appliance ever. I like eating what I bake, but to tell the truth I don't actually eat that much of it; the pleasure for me is watching other people enjoy it, giving it away and watching people smile and eat. For many people baking is like a lost art, they think that making a batch of cookies or baking a cake is almost impossible or it takes too much time (it really doesn't). I think that it goes beyond the fact that it tastes one hundred times better. You are offering people love when you give food, something that you took the time to prepare, something you planned and made the effort to create for them. That is what is so amazing about the gesture.

But really people, it's just a cookie :-)



So this weekend I made up some Christmas cookie doughs and headed over to Lysanne's place for cookiepalooza. I brought gingerbread, spice, and cinnamon sugar, she made up a batch of pistachio cranberry biscotti and these moist molasses cookies that were divine and kinda healthy, and we baked all afternoon and each got some of the other's goods.



I still have much more baking to do, but it was a great start and it's so much fun getting together with a friend and sharing a laugh and some recipes.
The kids still have to help me with some gingerbread too, it's my favorite part of the holidays. They love to roll the dough and cut out the shapes and decorate, and then eat - love in every delicious bite.

start with onions in a pan.....

butternut squash, chickpea and lentil casserole with tahini dressing

Errands, market, some writing, some downtime, and.... supper!
So tired.... need....something.....

Went over to Lysanne's last night for supper. She dove into her fridge and pulled out tons of fresh veggies and fruit and suddenly there was a meal! I helped by putting together a huge fruit salad. I was soooo stuffed! The simplest meals are often the best, especially when they're shared with a friend and a bottle of wine. We talked till late and I wandered home. I had a hard time getting out the door this morning. It's a grey day and to be perfectly honest I'm having one of those curl-up-into-a-ball-and-cry days. When these hit, and as you know they have been hitting often, I ache for that perfect hug. So far, that hug has not produced itself.
I have Naomi all weekend so that Steve can do his annual blogathon. Ben will be spending some quality time with his grandparents this week, so I fear that Nomi will be missing her favorite playmate. I'm looking forward to spending some time with just her, I think we are due for a girl day.

Appliance lady: 1 - Dina: a little bit broker

Went out as soon as Steve and the kids left for Ottawa to hunt for the elusive affordable appliances. I still had to get a fridge, a stove, and a dishwasher. The stove had to be new, that wasn't negotiable. For the amount of baking I do, I need something that's not going to give me a hassle. The oven had to have convection as well, which pretty much adds $500 on no matter what. Found a flat top, convection, with a warming area for under $1000, a standard fridge, and a cheapish dishwasher and now I have many interest-free payments to look forward to. The plus is that they are new, waranteed, and somebody else will deliver them to my door and haul them upstairs so I don't have to. They arrive Thursday, an early birthday present. After this was done, I went and test drove that Volkswagon. The guy gave me the keys and told me to get lost and take my time, so I drove out to the West Island, picked up Debbie, and drove out to Hudson and back. While I listened for noise and concentrated on the ride, Debbie flipped all the switches, tried the radio and air, and gave me her opinion on the passenger experience. Verdict? Nice ride, very stable car, comfy. There's a hum though that I'm not sure is regular VW engine noise or something else. I brought it back and the sales guy is going to have the mechanic look at it and get back to me. I'm talking to my guy at the garage to ask about general repair costs, because VWs aren't cheap to fix. The more I think about having a wagon though, the more sense it makes. All the things you have to haul around with kids and stuff would be so much easier if I didn't have to borrow someone else's car all the time.
Still, if it doesn't work out with this car then it simply was not meant to be, I haven't fallen in love with it or anything.

Zen and the clean kitchen

I took the day off and tried unsuccessfully not to check in to the office. After this I headed over to the new place to clean the kitchen. Like most older NDG kitchens, the cupboards go all the way up, which means that to clean the top shelves you need some help of the aluminum step ladder variety. The place is really clean, but why not go crazy when you have the chance and the place is empty? Cleaning is kind of like meditation for me - I love the accomplishment and the way it blanks out my mind. As I wiped down all the shelves I decided on where to place things, dishes, tools, food, glasses, spices, books, teapots, machines. The space is ready for me to start moving things now. Of course I still need a fridge, stove, and dishwasher. The hunt for those begins tomorrow morning. Being able to picture all of my things in the kitchen made it feel like home. I can't wait to cook a meal there.
I took my car to the garage today for a tune and told the guys that I was looking for a newer car. Since we got the Subaru stationwagon we've used that for the two-hour drives out to the townships or Ottawa. Now, well, I love my Corolla, but she's 13 and while she's perfect for short city hops, long drives at over 100km/hr are getting to be a bit shaky and with the kids in the car, I'm a little anxious. Plus, well, this winter I may not have access to someone to push me out of the snowbank when my car just spins. I told the guys what I was looking for and they said that they might have something I'd like - a Volks Jetta wagon, 5 years old, really low mileage and pretty clean. I'm going to take it for a test tomorrow to see if I like it and how negotiable the price is.

meetings and 'sparagus

Finally a couple of nice bright days in a row! This non-stop meeting morning was not as bad as I thought it would be, but I was starved by the time noon came around. Had lunch with Maggie at our Indian place, ah I have missed their food and their chai tea! Some more work, and then picked up Ben and brought him home for ABA and then Naomi, grocery store, then to the kitchen!
Tonight it was bow tie pasta with asparagus, ricotta, spinach, arugula, and parmesan - delicious and fast.
I'm taking the day off work tomorrow (well, trying to anyway), finally taking the car in to the garage, and getting more things organized.
I packed a box last night! I'm not packing too much at once because I want to take things over and unpack them so I know when to stop bringing things over and start chucking, selling, or storing. I need to let go of a lot of stuff that's just not important, or needed, or used.

Not worth

Today I got a better idea of what I'm not worth and yet how much stuff still has to be divided and potentially paid for. I hate money, I hate dealing with money, talking about money, investments, taxes, and about anything else having to do with the almighty moolah. The only thing that my parents have really ever fought over is money, so I've always made it my mission to avoid having to argue about anything concerning cash in my relationships. Luckily, I don't have any money, so this has been relatively easy.
But now we have to put everything under a microscope and figure out our debt and assets. I don't want to do it, but I have to, the courts demand this. Part of me wants to run screaming from that little round table I sat at today, shouting "just want to be free! we don't have enough to even split!", but that wouldn't be adult and mature under the circumstances. I'm guessing I have to keep up the pretense of being both of these things for a little while.
I need to throw together a cookie dough tonight so that it can sit in the fridge for a day. I have a bake sale at work Thursday and what else says bake sale little cc cookies? Ok, a lot of stuff, but I'm going with choc chips.......
I other news, Cafe 92 has now expanded into the empty shop next door! Hurrah!!!

What I would like from today:

Understanding, patience, love, cooperation, friendship, agreement.
I think this is very attainable.

close fit and snickerdoodles

I bought a used washer and dryer today and I paid almost as much to have them picked up and delivered as I paid for the appliances, but I can honestly say it was worth it. First, they drove all the way out to Ile Perrot to get them, then they had to tackle an NDG house. They made basement doors really small way back, I guess they never figured that people would invent massive square metal boxes to wash their clothes. I got very standard ones, and the guys had to take the doors off, remove the latch, then take the washer and dryer apart to remove the sticking out bits. I have to get some new washers for the hoses before I set them up but - I can do laundry - woo woo!
I got home, and after some park time, then supper time, then bed time, it was snickerdoodle time! I've been wanting to make some for over a week! I love this simple cookie and it's one of the few that Ben eats.

Going granola

Time to get back to blogging and back to the kitchen!
It's been a CRAZY couple of months - work, business trip, some other stuff that is changing my life significantly, and it's going to stay crazy. As some of you know, when the going gets tough, Dina goes .... to the kitchen! Yup! I am surfing for new recipes, opening my cookbooks, and getting set to litter the counters with appliances and dirty bowls.
While I was in Sweden I had a room with a kitchenette so that I could buy some food and make breakfasts and some meals. I can't eat at restaurants all the time, especially not when I just want to grab something quick and get into the office or out sightseeing. There were two grocery stores in the mall downstairs, so I was able to wander the aisles, looking at all the products. Oops, I'm getting distracted, I'll talk about my love of grocery stores later, back to the topic. At the grocery store I bought a big box of granola and some yogurt and I ate that for breakfast every morning. Their yogurt is delicious! It's not as sweet as ours and thicker and obviously not the ultra 0% variety. When I was in Amsterdam and Breda in Holland, breakfasts were included with the room and in both places there were multiple granola and fruit and yogurt choices, all equally delicious.
Then I got home.
I went out and bought some granola and some yogurt, and the granola was, well, disappointing and expensive! What to do? Go to the Internet of course! I found a recipe on one of my fav sites, went back to the grocery store, and a few days later when I had some time - voila!

Yummy granola, and lots of it! Twice what was in this jar (I stored the rest in a ziploc bag). I used walnuts, coconut, dried mango, apricot, raisins, and cranberries. Cheap, easy, and a million times better than the store-bought stuff.
Next step - making yogurt..... I can't wait!

dough, dough, dough

Got four cookie doughs in the fridge ready for tomorrow. Spice, cinnamon sugar, and two types of gingerbread. I also have a batch of ginger bens done. Stephie's coming over tomorrow for some baking which is great because we haven't seen her since the end of October. One of the things I love about Steph is trading crazy parent stories, between the two of us we have a truckload. She's also a crazy artist, so her view of life is nicely skewed. When we were first looking for a shadow for Ben, I put an ad on the university sites for a cheap student, hoping to find someone in psych who was interested in autism. We found Steph instead, an art education student, older than most of her class, from St Catharines so her French was so bad that she was looking for an anglo job that didn't involve telemarketing. What we ended up discovering was a perfect match for Ben in so many ways, she truly understands so many of Ben's quirks and sensitivities. A kindred spirit. Even after she left, we've continued to be good friends and she's still incredibly attached to Ben. In fact, everyone near Ben forms a strong attachment to him, it's part of his charm. His ability to become part of your heart so quickly has made finding people to work with him, and even go out of their way to help us, so easy. He's learned the first rule of people, and while I'd like to teach him not to abuse it, it has served him well.

Just one piece left

I made an apple cake for fika this week to share with my colleagues. I used this recipe from Smitten Kitchen, one of my favorite food blogs. It's apparently mom's recipe, so I had quite a bit of faith in it. It said to cook it for 90 minutes, but at 75 it was well on its way to being over baked, so I would start checking it after 60. It filled the bundt pan used, and was moist. I might step up the batter a bit, it felt a little bland, maybe mix half the apple mixture into the batter and layer the rest.

At the end of the fika, there was only one little piece left that I brought home for Steve. A resounding success, but I found a few more similar recipes, so I'll have to play around a bit, you know me ;-)