"I hate you" is about the most hurtful thing that your child can say to you.
Just had the worst last hour with my son. He was overtired, but I have not had an episode like that with him in a very long time. Dealing with an overtired, stubborn six-year-old is always challenging; dealing with an overtired, stubborn, autistic six-year-old drains your body and mind completely, leaving you too spent to even cry. I know that he can't control himself when he loses it, I know I have to stay calm and just get him to sleep, I know that tomorrow is a new day and we'll start over and everything will be forgotten, but that doesn't really help me tonight.

I need an electric kettle and a big hug. No, the two are not really related......

Great outdoors -1, Mommy - 0

We are home.
Debbie and I pitched the tent and got everything ready and then we bbq'd some hotdogs, ate junkfood and let the kids watch The Muppet Show while we caught up. I let the kids stay up late, we made a fire and s'mores (Ben just ate the graham crackers and marshmallows, Naomi ate the chocolate and marshmallows), and finally the kids and I crawled into the tent. Deb has a pond in her backyard, Naomi complained about the waterfall for about three minutes, played with her flashlight, complained about how dark it was without the flashlight, then fell asleep. Ben talked for a while and then also fell asleep. The rain started at about 3am. Good tent, no water leakage! Naomi woke me up, having kicked herself out of her sleeping bag, positioned herself in the opposite direction, and kicked me in the head. When I tried to get her back into her sleeping bag, she started screaming like the world was ending. Eventually all was settled, then she tossed and turned and needed cuddles and water and complained about the rain. Then she fell asleep again, but kept squirming so I barely slept after that. The rain was lovely to listen to, soothing, even as the tiny sharp elbows buried themselves into my ribs. At about 5am, she woke up coughing, then threw up. Then she insisted in staying put instead of going in the house. I cleaned her up as best I could and managed another 30 minutes before she was wide awake again and this time full of energy and ready to get up and go. Ben finally woke up. He slept through the screaming, the rain, the tossing and turning, the barfing, and the complaining.
He wanted to do it again tonight. Ben is a born camper, I can only hope that the girl grows into it by next year.

Morning

Coffee, laptop, sounds of screaming children in my living room and cartoons.
Thinking about the day. We're going camping in my friend's backyard tonight, weather permitting. There will be hot dogs and junk food and cookies!
Life is slowly starting to spin back into a normal orbit, I'm looking forward to taking a little time off soon and turning off portions of my life that need a break and picking up some new personal projects. I'm also looking forward to getting out of town for a few days and seeing people who are long overdue for a visit. This is a beautiful time of year for a wander in the country, a drive down the highway.

Images from a cafe

The man in the above picture is named Richard. Richard is lovely and is trying to just be friends with me, but I've discovered I like him, and, if you know me at all,you'll know this means that that's very much like trying to fight off a tyrannosaurus with a dish towel. Poor man. I am not what you'd call subtle. If any of my friends can please recommend me to this fine fellow, because I think that if he's willing to put up with a lot that I'm completely worth it, pipe up. The rest of you who know I'm chocolate-covered evil, shut your traps.

A good day so far - I have good people by my side pulling for me, how can I fail?

Caution: Flying handles

As my gramma used to say, it's nothing that a hot shower and a good f*** wouldn't cure.
Ok, she never said that, wish she had though.
So I have the shower part covered.....and I could settle for a nice long cuddle.
I will not let the bad things and the bad people in this world defeat me, lesson learned and all that, but I may not be the most stable person for the next little while. I apologize for the inconvenience this may cause to any friendship I happen to screw up.
The management

I am the biggest fool in the entire universe, and for some reason, I'm not laughing....help me, what do I do with all this pain?

ready to play

My friend quoted this recently from a book by Richard Rosen:

"...to be playful is not to be trivial or frivolous, or to act as if nothing of consequence will happen.

On the contrary, when we are playful with each other we relate as free persons, and the relationship is open to surprise; everything that happens is of consequence, for seriousness is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility."

My friend was asking what role play has in your life, and my question is, why so serious? Why do some people fear the unpredictable?
I have never been afraid of surprise, in fact, I think I can honestly say that lack of surprise may be the reason why most relationships in my life have ended when they've ended, why I've moved on, why I look for new interests, new people, new ideas, new answers. There's something infinitely intriguing to me about the thing I don't know, the sensation I haven't felt, the restaurant I haven't eaten in, the activity I've never tried, the person I can't completely fathom. When things become predictable, there's a spark that is lost. Yes, it's nice to know that someone loves you and will be there to hold your hand, but for me there's also that need for that other person to for no apparent reason, shove me into a snow bank, or show up at my door and kiss me like the world is about to end, then turn around and walk off. Life doesn't make sense, it's messy and stupid and beautiful and nonlinear in so many ways, and we are always changing, reinventing, learning, making mistakes, becoming things we weren't yesterday, a week ago, a year ago. It's never safe, even if you don't change, everything around you will.
So why so serious? Why can't everyone play and forgive and live with the unpredictable and just enjoy it while it's there and start over and over, opening ourselves up to as much as we can swallow?
I love that moment when someone says something and you burst out laughing because it's exactly what you weren't expecting. And as amazing as a moment like that is, sometimes you have to steel yourself for a consequence you didn't want, but just happens.
I need a few more do-overs, a few more chances, a few more shoves into a snow bank.
Oh god, I'm making no sense - bed!

I am lovely

When no one else will say it and you don't believe it, and you really need to hear it, a girlfriend comes to the rescue.
Thank you.....

Have you hugged a train wreck today?

start with a walk in the woods

It's been a weak day. I'm missing someone. Someone I'd give up swearing like a sailor for. Time to start over, tomorrow is a brand new one.

start with onions in a pan.....

butternut squash, chickpea and lentil casserole with tahini dressing

Let it go, let it go, let it go......

Magicians and light bulbs

Friday we ate a hurried supper and then got bundled up and jumped in the car to go and see the Magic Lanterns at the Botanical Gardens.



I love this time of year - the air is crisp and cool and it's getting dark early enough to have events like this one. This year I figured that the kids were old enough to appreciate it and last long enough for the walk about through the garden.



They loved the lanterns and were very well behaved and enthusiastic about the whole thing. Ben kept asking where the magician was and Naomi kept saying we were looking at the light bulbs, but they were in awe of the colours and the reflections on the water. I have always liked this event, I think that it brings out the child-like wonder in everyone.



I was so happy to share it with my kids this year. One of the things I've discovered about having the kids only half the time is that I appreciate them a little more than when I had them every day. I know it seems obvious, but I think that it's so easy to take things for granted in your life.



Afterwards, we took a tour through the Insectarium and checked out all the cool bugs.

Dear Universe,

Alright universe, it's just you and me now, and I'm pretty riled up about the whole stunt you pulled on me recently, so you better start being a little nicer. I'm willing to negotiate, but here is my list of top demands:

I want a balance back between my work and my life, they are not the same thing. If you could do something about the management as well I'd be grateful. I in return will find a way to take some time off and get better about being realistic of my limits.

I want to be more graceful and forgiving of myself and the world. If you could remind me of this before I run off half-cocked I wouldn't complain.

You know how impulsive I am. Let me be more patient, stop grabbing frantically at everything, let things go and see what returns. In light of my impatience, maybe just distract me long enough to stop chasing things and just keep moving forward on my own path.

Throw a man on my path. A man who wants to be with me and who pursues me with determination. A man who is passionate and romantic and makes me laugh and thinks I'm beautiful and isn't a smart ass. A man I can talk to for hours, be silent with for hours, and doesn't have to be with me all the time to know I love him. A man who feels me in his guts. I need a man like that.

Continue giving me friends who make me laugh at all the dumb things I do and the many ways in which I completely fail to be cool about my life. Give them long enough memories to warn me off the bad stuff, but short enough memories to not say "I told you so". And let me be that kind of friend right back.

Give me adventure. Give me brilliance. Give me the ability to stand still, breathe, and remember that my life is pretty damn awesome for the most part.

I wouldn't say no to writing a best seller or winning the lottery, but let's start with the above first, ok?
Sincerely,
Dina

Light

I think I'm free......

happy things

Bath night, colouring at the table, ton of work to do later, but I'm not thinking about that now. Right now I'm enjoying listening to my daughter sing the alphabet song.

The score

Up at the office far too early: oh yes
Picking up my kids tonight, I've missed them: 10
Love life: -10
Work: -30
House: ransacked
Fridge: empty

I know I don't have a consistent scoring system, shaddup.......

I'm fairly certain I am now one of the only cars in the parking lot, did I mention that the deadline got moved up a day? Oh, and a can of diet coke apparently does have a shelf life. After sitting in my desk for two years, it's even more gross than it was fresh.
I'm wondering if I can see well enough to drive home.......

I'm here all night, try the veal

I'm sure there's something positive to say about working all night at the office, but Pollyanna has left the building - this sucks....

To you

Kenny, if you have something to say, call me and say it. I am stressed beyond belief right now and your lurking is not helping. Man up and just talk to me or let me go because this has got to stop.

I keep trying to believe in the universe, but why does it always seem like my timing is off? Why is it teasing me with what I can't have? Waiting for me to realise that people mean things to me and then taking them away? For a few brief moments, I was exactly where I wanted to be tonight, a calm descended, touching someone I wanted to touch, and then it was gone.
Sucks to be me some days........

long day

Good run, so many things and people to be thankful for, cupcakes, still smiling.

Rejection complete. Sad night.

orphaned

The rest of my department is off on a scavenger hunt activity day today, my fellow editor is home working and in a really foul mood, I am sitting here working, where I will sit until the end of the day because I have too much to do......
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon.

A different review

This day started way too early and has finished much too late but I have to write something besides technical reviews today.
I saw District 9 recently. I had no idea what to expect and was happily surprised. Yes, the social commentary is anvilicious (did it really have to take place over Johannesburg? Come on!) and you see bits of Aliens, Blade Runner, and many other sci-fi flicks I'm too tired to think of right now, but it has some inventive qualities of its own. The documentary style that leaves gaps of information to build interest and tension, pieces of the story which slowly come out, while not new, was well done. The aliens themselves are interesting visually, different enough, yet they still managed to make one of them cute. I guess the most surprising element was the humour that was created from the main character's predicament. The actor did a fantastic job of creating a man that you didn't hate, but yet you weren't pulling for, and you just wanted to say, "poor bastard, he's having a bad day". And of course the explodey bits were good. There were also tons of little visual bits that were amusing, like the alien wearing the pink bra and the one carrying a blow-up bunny. If taken as a fun, sci-fi, edge-of-camp movie, which I assume was the intention, it succeeds.

How I'm working today

Jian Wang, Bach Cello Suites, all day, on loop.

Strut

There's nothing like a walk through the Plateau, wearing your most comfy clothes and still getting checked out by a lot of very cute men, to bring you up again :-)

lists

Things I had to do:
Work
Tidy
Get out of the house
Groceries
Quick run
Cook something
Laundry

Things I did:
Work
Read
Wander from room to room, move things around aimlessly, and snack

I am at loose ends today. Ben crawled in with me this morning and we were having such a great conversation, mostly about germs, boogers, and freckles, but still. I'm also trying to explain to him that he shouldn't ask ladies to show him their nipples. I know my male readers will not approve of this little lesson. Now the kids are gone until Wednesday, and I have a million things to do and I'm sitting here typing this instead. And I need a hug, a big hug because I'm feeling lonely and I'd love to call someone and say, "get over here and hug me", but I can't. Sucks to be me some days.

Shout out to the gals

Over the past couple of weeks I have had a life outside of the office, the kids, and the part of my life I will now start calling, "etc". I got a chance to go over to Melissa's new place, where she made a lovely garlicky salad and the talented chef, Brandon, bbq'd up some exquisite tandori chicken. Combined with some nice wine on their back deck, it was a great evening.


Meanwhile, over on the Plateau, the gorgeous Adriana had me over for some veggie yummies and I supplied the booze, fresh corn and some lovely cheese and bread. We sat around talking about our writing and our love lives and our career plans and our toes. I'm still not sure what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have such a strong network of girlfriends who love me just as I am and tell me I'm amazing.

Psycho in the closet

I have a lot to get caught up on here. Assume for the time being that work has not changed - I'm tired of complaining about it.
I had a recent brush with rejection, a brush because it wasn't a complete rejection, just a reaction to the complete lack of control I have at times. How should I deal with that? My first thought would be to apologize, but I don't think that I can do that anymore. When I go a little crazy, I have a reason. There's a secret we all know: we're all insecure. Perhaps from now on when I get like this I will just come right out and say it instead of trying to be all fake confident and then turning mildly psycho; it's probably far more useful in the long run.
It's also time to brush off this horrible week and get on with it.
It's hard to start meeting people again after so long in a relationship. It's especially hard when there's a person out there who is still my heart and who, apparently, still has a place in his heart that is mine alone.
There's nothing I can do about this but let myself feel what I feel and move forward and trust that the universe is giving me what I need.
So, do I decide to be honest with this man from this point on, enjoy what it is, but at the same time let him know that my psycho-ness is just occasionally part the package? Do I decide that I shouldn't see him at all? I guess if he can't deal with the psycho, there's no going forward, which is a shame because for a short time it felt nice.

Date night

Tonight I took myself out on a date. I went to Pushaps for supper (the chickpeas were especially hot tonight -OMG I must have had an entire pitcher of water!) and then over to the Dollar Cinema for a showing of To Catch a Thief in the living room – essentially a converted broom cupboard with a big screen tv. I loved it! I got the good chair, the fake leather swivelly one with the matching footstool. The other audience members were two older ladies. We adjusted the volume to suit everyone's taste and commenced the visual feast, I did notice that everyone seemed far more tanned than normal. We all swooned when Cary came on screen and talked about how beautiful Grace was. At one point, Cary turns and is walking away and one of the ladies said, “what a nice behind he had!”. About halfway through, one of them fell asleep and was snoring, the other lady and I had a good giggle about that. I'd watch movies with those two again in a second.

The good things

I should be sleeping, but before I do....

Eating Chinese food with my kids
The moon, so gorgeous, big, and bright tonight
The silence in my incredibly messy house
My messy house, my space, my stuff, the legos all over the floor and the living room that looks like a Salvation Army threw up in it
A well-dressed man, you know who you are
The idea that I will take myself out to my favorite cheap Indian place tomorrow night and then out to the Dollar Cinema
The yummy casserole in my fridge
My friends who are reading this and who know my heart, I love you all

Yup! I was right!
Luckily, it was too busy most of the day to really let the suck sink in, but now that I finally have a quiet moment, the crawling-up-into-a-ball feeling returns.
I have so much more to write that's not depressing-it's not very interesting, but it's better than what's been up here lately.
I need some time. I know I keep saying that, but I think I may have finally reached the point where I can't push through for very much longer without coming apart. On the other hand, I might discover that I am actually a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I guess we'll see.
No more depressing nonsense! Hang in there, I'll find time to post soon.

I think that tomorrow will be hard.....

curling up into a ball and crying now.....the day needs to start over......

Almost less crazy. Normal operations will resume shortly.

stressed.beyond.belief.

Another bloody salad

I can't help it! I love salads!
Green salad with tomatoes, dill, peaches, blueberries, and feta with a very vinegary vinaigrette - so amazing!

Mastering the art

Amid the chaos of work, I took last night off and went for chick flick night with the gals. We watched Julie and Julia, based on the blogger Julie Powell who cooks her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year, and Julia Child's arrival in France and her creation and completion of the book. The Julie bits were uniformly dull, the actors were hopelessly outmatched by Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci. I could have watched the Julia Child movie really. If you rent it, don't even bother watching the bits without Meryl Streep. As an aside, her shoes were also gorgeous.
What left an impression on me more than anything else was the relationship between Julia Child and her husband, Paul. One of my friends has told me that the portrayal of the relationship actually seems to be very true-to-life based on what she's read about it, but I guess that doesn't really matter other than to realise that a relationship like theirs can exist outside of a movie theater.
At one point in the movie, Paul is toasting his wife and remembering their first dinner date, and he says, "and suddenly it was just Julia, always Julia", that realization that he was staring at the person that was for him. That seems to sum up the portrayal, the Childs both seem to have found the person who answered the other halves of their individual conversations, whose thoughts were not the same, but who completed and enhanced each other's discourse. What an amazing thing it must be to find a person who stimulates and supports you, body and soul, someone you feel that certain of and trust so completely. I know that I may never have that, but I want it. I've spent a lot of time recently pondering love and relationships and there's a lot of stuff that I can't share with you here, but it seems that I have turned into a hopeless romantic of late and I see no reason to go back to being anything else.
I'm here, come and get me before I change my mind.

Friday unhaiku

Up since very early. Working. Listening to the rain and watching the sky lighten. I'm gonna be toast tonight....
I pick up my kids, I've missed my kids.

Running out of time...

supper

Days go by

Finally I have some time! Things have been busy, Ben was sick, he's not great with the heat. Naomi is thriving on it though, running around while the rest of us wilt. I have been enjoying salads of late and I'm planning a couscous tomato salad tonight with chickpeas. It's too hot to contemplate an oven anytime soon.
I haven't been sleeping a lot the past couple of days and my workload for the end of the week is insane. I just have to keep going and try to stay awake even though my brain is fantasizing about a nice long nap. Perhaps some more coffee is in order?

living in the heat

Another hot one. Last night I went over to Jen's with the kiddies and we had a communal supper of tacos and let the kids run around the house. We got back here a bit late, and Ben didn't sleep in this morning. We went out to Parc Jean Drapeau for the Fetes des Enfants. There were tons on people there and it was hot. The kids enjoyed the bus and metro ride out, but we found the people and the lines a bit daunting. Ben finally lost it when we told him we couldn't go swimming at the big pool, there were just too many people around, it was nuts. He pulled a tantrum the likes of which I haven't seen in years, he cried all the way home about how we had to go back. Once we got home and had another snack and relaxed he was fine, but the journey was awful.
I'm having a rough evening. Things are floating around in my mind that I can't seem to shake. And it's a very warm evening, so sleep may be hard to find tonight.
Tomorrow we have errands and a party - lots to do!

Another day

wheh, hot one!
Salad days for sure! I have a fridge full of fresh produce. Tonight while I got supper ready for the kids I threw together a quick green salad. I've decided to take part of the day off tomorrow. Today I was bombarded with new work and a project that I thought had died resurfaced. I need a few hours of nothing to regroup. We are all enjoying the hot weather, finally it is summer in Montreal. I plan on taking the kids to the pool or the water park this weekend. It's a bit warm at the new place, but really not too bad as long as you keep the clothing to a minimum. It has been an interesting week while I have fought myself on a few things and discovered a few things. The universe continues to work itself out and I have to let it. That sounds creepily cryptic, but it's really not. My heart still knows what it wants.

Darling is this love?

Grey day. I'm resisting the urge to crawl under my desk for a snooze, primarily because it was probably last vacuumed never.
Yesterday I grabbed the kiddies and we drove out to the townies to see my folks. The day was surprisingly sunny despite the forecast and we played outside and got bitten by mosquitoes and then played inside and ate cake. We got home and dinner and baths and bedtime and then I did a bunch of stuff and collapsed after midnight and woke up with a daughter passed out in my bed (I have no idea when she crawled in) and a son waking me up and I'm exhausted. Must get through today and run and get a few groceries to get ready for having the kids all week. Steve is at some geeky game convention, so I have our urchins this week and will attempt to keep my sanity. I also have to do some baking tonight because muffins have been requested. Woop!

Errands, market, some writing, some downtime, and.... supper!
So tired.... need....something.....

morning

It's a stunning day here, sunny and not too hot, emphasis on sunny. I spent the morning lounging in my bed reading, surfing, drinking coffee, and dreaming. Mornings like these are wonderful and indulgent and I used to feel guilty about them, but now when I get them I just grab my coffee and run back to bed and laze selfishly in the crisp sheets and allow myself the pleasure of the time completely to myself.
I forgot what it was like to have me time. I mean, I had time to myself when the kids weren't crawling on me, but it's not the same as being alone with no expectations on your time. You forget what that's like when you live with someone and have kids. I know it can get too lonely at times too and I want to share the silence with someone else. It's a balance. Right now, I'm soaking up the solitude when I get it and trying to really enjoy it.
So, now it's off to the market and hopefully tomatoes! I'm in the mood for some cooking, and I saw a few recipes today with fresh tomatoes that are making my mouth water.

Magic

Banjo man, you've stolen my heart. I saw you in Montreal last night, and now all I want is to lay down in the grass and stare up at the starry night sky and hear you serenade me.
thank you :-)

amazing lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-r3Bs_KkP94

"But image on image like beads on a rosary
Pulled through my head as the music takes hold
And the sickener hits, I can work till I break
But I love the bones of you that I will never escape"

Have you ever loved like that? Have you ever been loved like that?

Sleepy, banjos, snubbed

Got back from lunch and am now struggling to keep my eyes open. I can't go for a run, too full. Maggie's home and I met her for lunch at Pushaps.
I'm pretty excited about tonight, I'm going out to see Bela Fleck. He's performing with an African musician at the Francofolies and I know it's going to be fantastic! I love going to live music events that don't involve people with lighters.
I'm starting to make lists of all the work that needs to get done for the end of this month and I'm trying to resist the urge to curl up in a corner and start chewing my hair. It's overwhelming.
Oh, and I have now alienated another academic - too many questions and not enough adoration I believe.....imagine that, theories break down :-)
I'm now starting to think about the qualification of happiness. I'm trying to come up with a list of things that make me truly happy and then thinking more about how they make me feel than what they are, that comfort, that calm that floods though my body when I anticipate them.

Are you happy?

Now discussing ideas of happiness with Gilbert, you gotta love the Internet!
My questions were about the length of time simulated happiness lasts and the nature of choice and experience. I guess that the happiness you create for yourself lasts as long as you are able to maintain the certainty of your decision, there shouldn't be a difference between types of happiness, or is there? Is there an absolute happiness? Is there something that will always bring you happiness in every situation in your life? Is there a place or a person or a thing or a piece of music that you can always point to and say that it will always give you happiness? If it does exist, have you had it since childhood? Is it rooted in something comforting that makes you think, "home"?

muffin woman

More often than not when I need to think, I bake. More often than not when I bake and there's something on my mind I end up with something not on the recipe happening, one thing is substituted for another, a spice is added, a cookie turns into a brownie, or a cake layer. Sometimes things are utterly disastrous, other times they are just what I needed.
I managed to get an astounding amount of fiber and fruit into these puppies and still keep them moist and cakey enough that the kids will eat them. I wonder if I can remember how I did this for next time.....

It's a holiday everywhere else in Canada but here.
That sucks.....

blather

Ben is home! He had so much fun, but I missed him. He and Naomi were ecstatic to see each other. She held him tightly and wouldn't let go and he cried he was so happy to see her. I know they will not do this forever, but I hope that the core of their feelings never changes, I hope that they always have each other. As an only child I never had the chance to bond with a sibling, instead always hanging out on the sidelines and watching it. Do we ever grow out of our desire to have that kind of relationship? Do we always look for people to fill that role?
Last week was rough. I lost my ability to cope for reasons I'm not sure that I understand. I'm sure that this week will be better, not perfect, but better.
I watched Up the Yangtze last night. What a lovely, sad, sweet, surreal movie. I'm not sure how he managed to get people to let him film quite so much. I mean, some of it must have been staged? Just to see how people live, how they survive. The main family start out living in a hut they built by the river, but they must move eventually. They grow some food and he works jobs carrying goods or breaking rocks. Neither parent can read or write or speak English. I guess the thing that struck me most was their knowledge of where they stood in the universe. They had regrets about what they could not give their children in terms of paying for higher education, but they didn't question their place in society or the government's decision to build the dam and displace them. Their ability to accept the decisions of those with authority and even their daughter's boss was very sad for me to watch, but their acceptance of their roles in life was oddly freeing. I've been watching TED talks again, and I was listening to Dan Gilbert talk about the what makes us happy and synthesizing happiness and Alain de Botton talking about our ideas of failure and success and it got me to thinking. As I watched this movie, watching the people, real people, their acceptance of their fate, the way that the mother and father are at peace with their roles in society, they don't beat themselves up because they don't have wealth, they are matter-of-fact about their daughter having to go and work on a cruise ship at the age of 15 or 16. Their daughter has a middle-school education and resents not being able to go to high school, she wants something more and is not content. As much as I could not imagine not questioning authority or willingly tolerate a class system, I realise how easy it must be to come to terms with your life when that is your reality, when you believe that your choices in this world are finite. Does that mean that limited choice and resignation to one type of life is good? Maybe not. But it certainly doesn't keep you up at night. Gilbert's main gist is that people who make a decision and stick to it (are not given a choice to change it) are happier than ones given time to deliberate on whether they are happy with it or not. If not given an option, the choice that you make is one that you eventually become very satisfied with, your brain comes to peace with the situation rather than pondering, "what if". Once again, removing choice and possibility from the menu seems to determine your course. So how do you apply that to a life full of choice? How do you walk down that great big cereal aisle of life and make your choice and stick with it? What happens when you realise that you went with the Cheerios and should have gotten the granola? The times I have been happiest in life have been the times when I have just acted, but that can't be good advice for everyone. And what about when you're happy with your own decisions, but not happy with the decisions of others?
I think it's time to do some baking and see if my head can't get around this.

Try this

http://lab.arc90.com/experiments/readability/

Don't spitting at any where!

Don't spitting at any where!
Originally uploaded by madmaclean

I feel the same way sometimes......

Ben update

I haven't been writing about it, but Ben's having a blast with his grandparents and uncle this week. It's weird just having one of the kids around, but at the same time it's been oddly ok. I guess it's because he deserves a vacation and I'm just so happy that he's able to have one. Money and work schedules have kind of made my taking any time off right now impossible. I would have loved to take the kids away for a week to a beach, but it's not gonna happen, so knowing that Ben is having a great time and doing lots of fun activities makes me feel better. Of course Naomi hasn't had anything, which was also pointed out to me by a couple of the daycare ladies this morning, like I don't feel bad enough. Maybe I can get a couple of long weekends to do something, but I know it's not enough. Sigh.... this will get better......

supper

I barely slept, my mind flying around like a big fat bumblebee collecting thoughts, ideas, fears, hopes, landing for a moment then taking off again, moving on to the next, then the next. This was my first sleepless night here and I'm not ready to start this up again.

no one picks on my landlady

So I'm working from home today because I get more done and could not drag myself into the office. I'm typing away when I hear a ladder rattling outside and some guy climbing the side of the house. Another guy is talking to my landlady on the ground. This isn't her usual handyman, so I immediately started to pay attention. In this neighbourhood, guys come to your door and make up stories, charge the owners stupid amounts of money to fix something, and leave without a trace. They prey on older people, especially widows. I started listening to them and didn't like the way they were pressuring her, so I grabbed some mail from the previous tenants I've been meaning to give her and went downstairs. The next-door neighbour was also out by this point, and we started asking the talking guy questions. He acted all insulted, packed up his ladder, and left.
You picked the wrong lady to hustle you bastard - hope you fall off the next roof.

the girls can cook

The gorgeous Melissa came over last night with flowers and wine and while I prattled on about my life and finished up the chicken salad, she prepared the peaches and the sauce based on my "the first rule of Dina's kitchen is there are no rules" philosophy. Peaches, butter, cinnamon, brown sugar, rum - bake - wow so good with that homemade vanilla ice cream! She coming over to make that for me again!
We had a great meal and the wine went down easy as we sat in the diningroom until late talking and talking.
Girlfriends always make you realise what a kickass person you are, and I needed a little of that. What would I do without my friends? We talked about people coming into your life for a reason, and relationships, and her new duplex, and her fantastic new guy, and life and the endless possibilities that await us. Live here, live now, because you never know when it's gonna stop. Leap, try, dream, do that crazy thing you've been thinking of, embrace the time you have.
Ok, stopping now....geez Dina, get a grip....

Wednesday morning

Yes, I do look this good when I get up in the morning. Scary ain't it?

status report

Still uck. Huge gaping hole that is not going away. Ignoring it for now, but it's getting bigger, probably the white sauce.....
Looking forward to dinner with M tonight and hanging out. Finally a hot day and I'm sleeveless (with a sweater of course, dumb office a/c) and thinking I need more coffee.
More as my brain unfolds...

Did I say throw out the white sauce? I meant, take some, mix it with crushed tomatoes and pesto and serve over leftover pasta with fresh basil. Ummmm yeah, that'll fix my little problem with the scale...
Still feeling so uck. Went for a run, then I was tired and uck. Came home, went out and did groceries at my favorite grocery store. Felt a bit better. Got some divine olives and feta.
Melissa's coming over for supper tomorrow night and has requested the Indonesian chicken salad, so I got fixins for that, how could I say no?
I made a zucchini and spinach soup tonight - nice and green tasting, not too heavy and it'll keep me from buying lunch this week. I'm now making some ice cream to have for dessert tomorrow, I'm thinking it would be wonderful with some grilled fresh peaches, summer, I love you!
Must run tomorrow, a lot....... I think that I'm almost due for new shoes. I've got roughly 700km on these I think, that's averaging it out to 25km a week since January. I felt a twinge in my heel today and my knee's been acting up a bit but I think that's the weather. When did I get old?

Note to my brain: if you could please pick a mood and stay there for more than 10 minutes I'd really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Me

I'm sitting here with a smile on my face and drowning inside. I hate this.

We are having the most PHENOMENAL storm here right now, lightening almost constantly, bursting through the clouds like fireworks. I turned off my lights and I'm out on my porch enjoying the show.
Wow!
Love it if you all could see this with me, the feeling is almost indescribable. How amazing the world is.....

I will not beat myself up because I'm up 4lbs. I will however be dumping the rest of that white sauce I made.....evil stuff......why must butter and cream love my ass so much?
Today was a hard day for only small apparent reasons. Much suckage.....all aboard the pity party express, I hope there's cake.
And then I sat down and made jewelery and playdoh things and felt much better, even if I will now be vacuuming up dried playdoh and beads for the next year.

I have zero patience today and I took my kid to a mall. What the fuck did I think would happen?
Hating myself a little, Naomi's getting lots of ice cream.....
Curl up, ball, help.

sitting around the castle in my pjs eating cereal and watching crap tv, I mean happily ever after

Spent the afternoon at the pool hanging with the girl before we came home for some Cinderella and supper. I tried an experiment with supper. I poached some chicken and shredded it and set it aside, cooked some whole wheat egg noodles and made a white sauce. The kids don't like tomato-based sauces, but I figured that a white sauce might go over well. I added some freshly-grated parmesan to the sauce and grated some carrots and cut up some cucumbers and an orange pepper and served everything to her unmixed with some sauce in a little bowl on the side. Mine I mixed and added some crushed tomatoes and a few extra seasonings. As you can probably guess, she decided she hated the whole thing and finally ate the chicken and the cucumbers. Sigh.....
Well, it was worth a shot.
Watched this movie with Helen Hunt tonight. I always liked Mad About You, but she kinda dropped off the map. She's gotten really thin and her face looks sunken. I think that's how I was starting to look when I got too thin and I was all stressed, ok, not skeletal like Hunt, but on my way there, she's way too thin. I've still got my thighs and butt and little rolls and stuff, I'm not in danger of being emaciated anytime soon. It wasn't the best movie in the world, and after watching Cinderella I can see that in some ways my 35 or so years of movie watching really hasn't changed a great deal. Always the prince we're looking for, always that man who just shows up on cue and loves us almost instantly. That idea fell away for me in my twenties, perhaps a bit earlier and I've fought that idea for so long in my adult life, the idea that there's a person out there who wants to be with you so much he'll scour a kingdom with a glass shoe, slay a dragon, search without end till he finds you sleeping in the forest with a bunch of strange short men. I've always told myself that you don't marry the person that you can't live without, you marry the person that you can live with, even when they're being a real asshole. In the end that works for a lot of people, but it's never gonna work for me. When you stop believing you stop looking, stop hoping, stop knowing that there could be someone out there who would bring that shoe to your door, who would change the world in even a small, clever, surprising way because they want to be with you so much. The royalty and the palace stuff is bunk though.... but a good princess always has a half-decent stock portfolio and RRSPs.

afternoon napping on a great big bed

Sitting in my ex's living room waiting for the in-laws to come and get Ben for a week of fun and games in Ottawa. He's only ever been away from us for one night – ever. This is going to be weird. This is the kind of stuff that he'll remember when he's older. I was never close to my grandmothers. I never liked my dad's mom, she was a hard lady, and pretty mean. I loved my mom's mom, but she kept her emotions in check a lot, that was just her way. My kids are lucky to have all four grandparents and to have such great relationships with them.
Yesterday was a down day. I eventually went for a run and then home, a shower, and then some me time. I put on my comfiest clothes and picked up a new book, laid down on my bed and spent a couple of hours reading and napping. Pure bliss! You forget what a luxury that is sometimes, to be quiet and just be, nothing to do, no one to see, no place to go, that hazy, happy, heaviness that comes over you when you lay down on a crisp bed and begin to unclutter your mind.
After I woke up I went down to the video store and picked up “Forgetting Sarah Marshal” which helped shake off the blahs. Bits were stupid and predictable, but there were some lines which were truly original, and of course the full frontal guy nudity, which is astounding for any Hollywood film. I know that penises are not the most graceful bits of anatomy, but I have no idea why they are so shunned. Perhaps if they were seen more people would find them more attractive. I've always liked them in that quirky way that you like strange-looking dogs, or odd clay statues your kids make.
Once Ben is away, Naomi and I are off to do something. She needs new shoes, but it's so nice a day that we may just go to the park instead. This summer has taught us to take advantage of the nice weather while it's here.
And supper? Hmmmm... good question.....

Went over to Lysanne's last night for supper. She dove into her fridge and pulled out tons of fresh veggies and fruit and suddenly there was a meal! I helped by putting together a huge fruit salad. I was soooo stuffed! The simplest meals are often the best, especially when they're shared with a friend and a bottle of wine. We talked till late and I wandered home. I had a hard time getting out the door this morning. It's a grey day and to be perfectly honest I'm having one of those curl-up-into-a-ball-and-cry days. When these hit, and as you know they have been hitting often, I ache for that perfect hug. So far, that hug has not produced itself.
I have Naomi all weekend so that Steve can do his annual blogathon. Ben will be spending some quality time with his grandparents this week, so I fear that Nomi will be missing her favorite playmate. I'm looking forward to spending some time with just her, I think we are due for a girl day.

Newsflash

I have discovered that I don't like grappa......oof.

Dear Mr. Policeman

To the cop who gave me the ticket this morning: thanks for making my morning a bit suckier, you know I didn't deserve it and I'm sure karma's gonna get you today.
I will now try not to take your crap attitude out on anyone else.....

Dutch music and beets

Listening to the most amazing album by Marike Jager - she's Dutch. A friend there sent me a couple of songs and I'm hooked.
Work's been a bit crazy, I'm a little unfocused so it's taking me longer to get things done. For the past couple of nights I've been up late, half working, half surfing the Internet and day dreaming. I know that I need a break, to turn my life off for a week and go to a place where there is water and no one expects anything of me. I know who I'd want there too.
But enough of my dreams of vacation! Let's get with the salad!
I made this beet salad recently and it turned out really well, I've been caught up in the arugula spirit! In fact, I have a large bag of it in the fridge and I have to get busy before it goes the way of all lettucey things.


I've been doing more with beets recently and really enjoying them. I never ate them when I was a kid, but I'm making up for lost time now.
This recipe also turned me on to my new favorite thing - sour cherry jam. I'm not a jam person because I'm not a toast person, but this stuff is divine and is great for throwing into things where you want a little soury-sweet something.

My brain's deconstructing all over the place and causing havoc - it's a real drag to be an English major some days.....

supper

Hooray for sun!

Ben's party was a success! The forecast was dire, but then at noon the clouds parted, the sun came out and it turned into a beautiful afternoon!
I finished the cake in the morning after a birthday breakfast and walked it over without mishap. The kids started arriving at the park and once we assembled we trooped down to the pool for an hour of splashing before heading back up the party area for pizza and junk food and then cake and presents. Ben and his friends had a great time. I'm always amazed that no one ever gets bored and that his friends are so enthusiastic about hanging out with him. I also love watching him play with his friends and talk to them. He's really coming into his own. We did the pinata and everyone scrounged for candy and toys and then one by one the kids went home and the remaining adults headed down to Steve's place for some hanging out. Ben of course made out like a bandit - lots of little lego robot-type people that I can barely figure out with instructions. Ben just looks at the box and puts it together. I'm amazed.
Today I slept in and enjoyed coffee in bed, then had a slow day with some work, some errands, some house chores. I should probably get some cooking done tonight. I figured that I'd dump all the odds and ends out of the fridge and see what inspires me. Wish me luck!