Dear Universe,

Alright universe, it's just you and me now, and I'm pretty riled up about the whole stunt you pulled on me recently, so you better start being a little nicer. I'm willing to negotiate, but here is my list of top demands:

I want a balance back between my work and my life, they are not the same thing. If you could do something about the management as well I'd be grateful. I in return will find a way to take some time off and get better about being realistic of my limits.

I want to be more graceful and forgiving of myself and the world. If you could remind me of this before I run off half-cocked I wouldn't complain.

You know how impulsive I am. Let me be more patient, stop grabbing frantically at everything, let things go and see what returns. In light of my impatience, maybe just distract me long enough to stop chasing things and just keep moving forward on my own path.

Throw a man on my path. A man who wants to be with me and who pursues me with determination. A man who is passionate and romantic and makes me laugh and thinks I'm beautiful and isn't a smart ass. A man I can talk to for hours, be silent with for hours, and doesn't have to be with me all the time to know I love him. A man who feels me in his guts. I need a man like that.

Continue giving me friends who make me laugh at all the dumb things I do and the many ways in which I completely fail to be cool about my life. Give them long enough memories to warn me off the bad stuff, but short enough memories to not say "I told you so". And let me be that kind of friend right back.

Give me adventure. Give me brilliance. Give me the ability to stand still, breathe, and remember that my life is pretty damn awesome for the most part.

I wouldn't say no to writing a best seller or winning the lottery, but let's start with the above first, ok?
Sincerely,
Dina

Light

I think I'm free......

happy things

Bath night, colouring at the table, ton of work to do later, but I'm not thinking about that now. Right now I'm enjoying listening to my daughter sing the alphabet song.

The score

Up at the office far too early: oh yes
Picking up my kids tonight, I've missed them: 10
Love life: -10
Work: -30
House: ransacked
Fridge: empty

I know I don't have a consistent scoring system, shaddup.......

I'm fairly certain I am now one of the only cars in the parking lot, did I mention that the deadline got moved up a day? Oh, and a can of diet coke apparently does have a shelf life. After sitting in my desk for two years, it's even more gross than it was fresh.
I'm wondering if I can see well enough to drive home.......

I'm here all night, try the veal

I'm sure there's something positive to say about working all night at the office, but Pollyanna has left the building - this sucks....

To you

Kenny, if you have something to say, call me and say it. I am stressed beyond belief right now and your lurking is not helping. Man up and just talk to me or let me go because this has got to stop.

I keep trying to believe in the universe, but why does it always seem like my timing is off? Why is it teasing me with what I can't have? Waiting for me to realise that people mean things to me and then taking them away? For a few brief moments, I was exactly where I wanted to be tonight, a calm descended, touching someone I wanted to touch, and then it was gone.
Sucks to be me some days........

long day

Good run, so many things and people to be thankful for, cupcakes, still smiling.

Rejection complete. Sad night.

orphaned

The rest of my department is off on a scavenger hunt activity day today, my fellow editor is home working and in a really foul mood, I am sitting here working, where I will sit until the end of the day because I have too much to do......
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon.

A different review

This day started way too early and has finished much too late but I have to write something besides technical reviews today.
I saw District 9 recently. I had no idea what to expect and was happily surprised. Yes, the social commentary is anvilicious (did it really have to take place over Johannesburg? Come on!) and you see bits of Aliens, Blade Runner, and many other sci-fi flicks I'm too tired to think of right now, but it has some inventive qualities of its own. The documentary style that leaves gaps of information to build interest and tension, pieces of the story which slowly come out, while not new, was well done. The aliens themselves are interesting visually, different enough, yet they still managed to make one of them cute. I guess the most surprising element was the humour that was created from the main character's predicament. The actor did a fantastic job of creating a man that you didn't hate, but yet you weren't pulling for, and you just wanted to say, "poor bastard, he's having a bad day". And of course the explodey bits were good. There were also tons of little visual bits that were amusing, like the alien wearing the pink bra and the one carrying a blow-up bunny. If taken as a fun, sci-fi, edge-of-camp movie, which I assume was the intention, it succeeds.

How I'm working today

Jian Wang, Bach Cello Suites, all day, on loop.

Strut

There's nothing like a walk through the Plateau, wearing your most comfy clothes and still getting checked out by a lot of very cute men, to bring you up again :-)

lists

Things I had to do:
Work
Tidy
Get out of the house
Groceries
Quick run
Cook something
Laundry

Things I did:
Work
Read
Wander from room to room, move things around aimlessly, and snack

I am at loose ends today. Ben crawled in with me this morning and we were having such a great conversation, mostly about germs, boogers, and freckles, but still. I'm also trying to explain to him that he shouldn't ask ladies to show him their nipples. I know my male readers will not approve of this little lesson. Now the kids are gone until Wednesday, and I have a million things to do and I'm sitting here typing this instead. And I need a hug, a big hug because I'm feeling lonely and I'd love to call someone and say, "get over here and hug me", but I can't. Sucks to be me some days.

Shout out to the gals

Over the past couple of weeks I have had a life outside of the office, the kids, and the part of my life I will now start calling, "etc". I got a chance to go over to Melissa's new place, where she made a lovely garlicky salad and the talented chef, Brandon, bbq'd up some exquisite tandori chicken. Combined with some nice wine on their back deck, it was a great evening.


Meanwhile, over on the Plateau, the gorgeous Adriana had me over for some veggie yummies and I supplied the booze, fresh corn and some lovely cheese and bread. We sat around talking about our writing and our love lives and our career plans and our toes. I'm still not sure what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have such a strong network of girlfriends who love me just as I am and tell me I'm amazing.

Psycho in the closet

I have a lot to get caught up on here. Assume for the time being that work has not changed - I'm tired of complaining about it.
I had a recent brush with rejection, a brush because it wasn't a complete rejection, just a reaction to the complete lack of control I have at times. How should I deal with that? My first thought would be to apologize, but I don't think that I can do that anymore. When I go a little crazy, I have a reason. There's a secret we all know: we're all insecure. Perhaps from now on when I get like this I will just come right out and say it instead of trying to be all fake confident and then turning mildly psycho; it's probably far more useful in the long run.
It's also time to brush off this horrible week and get on with it.
It's hard to start meeting people again after so long in a relationship. It's especially hard when there's a person out there who is still my heart and who, apparently, still has a place in his heart that is mine alone.
There's nothing I can do about this but let myself feel what I feel and move forward and trust that the universe is giving me what I need.
So, do I decide to be honest with this man from this point on, enjoy what it is, but at the same time let him know that my psycho-ness is just occasionally part the package? Do I decide that I shouldn't see him at all? I guess if he can't deal with the psycho, there's no going forward, which is a shame because for a short time it felt nice.

Date night

Tonight I took myself out on a date. I went to Pushaps for supper (the chickpeas were especially hot tonight -OMG I must have had an entire pitcher of water!) and then over to the Dollar Cinema for a showing of To Catch a Thief in the living room – essentially a converted broom cupboard with a big screen tv. I loved it! I got the good chair, the fake leather swivelly one with the matching footstool. The other audience members were two older ladies. We adjusted the volume to suit everyone's taste and commenced the visual feast, I did notice that everyone seemed far more tanned than normal. We all swooned when Cary came on screen and talked about how beautiful Grace was. At one point, Cary turns and is walking away and one of the ladies said, “what a nice behind he had!”. About halfway through, one of them fell asleep and was snoring, the other lady and I had a good giggle about that. I'd watch movies with those two again in a second.

The good things

I should be sleeping, but before I do....

Eating Chinese food with my kids
The moon, so gorgeous, big, and bright tonight
The silence in my incredibly messy house
My messy house, my space, my stuff, the legos all over the floor and the living room that looks like a Salvation Army threw up in it
A well-dressed man, you know who you are
The idea that I will take myself out to my favorite cheap Indian place tomorrow night and then out to the Dollar Cinema
The yummy casserole in my fridge
My friends who are reading this and who know my heart, I love you all

Yup! I was right!
Luckily, it was too busy most of the day to really let the suck sink in, but now that I finally have a quiet moment, the crawling-up-into-a-ball feeling returns.
I have so much more to write that's not depressing-it's not very interesting, but it's better than what's been up here lately.
I need some time. I know I keep saying that, but I think I may have finally reached the point where I can't push through for very much longer without coming apart. On the other hand, I might discover that I am actually a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I guess we'll see.
No more depressing nonsense! Hang in there, I'll find time to post soon.