I have had a couple of incredibly sad days. Not sure if it's the weather, hormones, or the fact that I haven't had a hug from my kids in over a week, but I've got that curl-up-into-a-ball-and-cry feeling and it needs to go away....

Hmmmmmmm, I think I drank too much......

Truant

I know, long time, no blog. Here are a few things I've been up to and I hope to elaborate soon:
Music - Mahler, Les Miz, Jazz Fest, Chopin, Beethoven, and Schumann
Other - comedy fest and fireworks, my birthday, Ben's birthday, a few other good BBQs, some vacation time, some hikes
Food - Some good brunches with my ladies, cake, a kiss-ass picnic, lunches, too much cheese, all clothes officially tight.....
Fitness - Running, cross training and my experience so far with the dreaded P90X series...

Coming up - Training for first running event, more running, trying to fit back into my Fall skirts (stupid cheese!), more concerts, more dinners, back to school, kid time, a wedding (not mine), more hiking, and much, much more!

Writer

I seem to have two states of being: the one where I'm writing on paper/computer, and the one where I'm writing in my head. Lately I sit and jot down a few ideas and stare at the screen and lose all interest in continuing my thoughts. But they are there and numerous - a veritable jungle of thoughts, overgrown, one tangling into another forming this mass of confused, yet interconnected ideas and feelings. Thoughts about me, love, my family, my relationships, my career, music, science, food, silence, movement. Where am I going? Who am I doing it with? Am I happy? All of this stuff whirling around in my head, coming out in sentence after sentence I formulate in my mind and that disappear by the time I sit down to put them on paper. When I'm driving, running, picking up milk at the supermarket, I am writing, writing, writing, only the words never become concrete.
Are those moments meant to be captured? Are they merely a warm up for my brain as it gets ready to send my fingers scribbling with a pen over paper or tapping on a keyboard? Is scripting imaginary conversations between characters and lovers or creating paragraphs on ideas as I read the newspaper or listen to the radio just a form of therapy for me or is it exercise that I do because writing is all that I really ever do and have done even when I cannot put one letter on a page?

Seven

It's your birthday again Ben and this year you are seven and you are still the most amazing little boy in the world. You continue to surprise me with your imagination - you make up games, build all manner of lego spaceships, and tell me stories about super heroes and monsters and bad guys who go to jail. You hum the Indiana Jones theme constantly. You walk up to strangers with your hand out ready to shake and say, "Hi, my name is Benny".
You are growing up, and we want you to grow up, and we are doing our best not to baby you, but it's hard. Grade 1 was hard too, there was so much to learn, and you struggled to adapt to the changes, and the homework, and having to sit and concentrate for so long. You got frustrated, sometimes I got frustrated, but you made it through and I am so proud of you. You continue to make friends where ever you go and charm people with your smile and your open nature. You are always in motion, running, swimming, biking, dancing, singing, and jumping up and down.
The way that you play with your sister puts a smile on my face. You are everything a big brother should be, you look out for her, make her laugh, give her hugs and kisses, play along with all her suggestions and hardly ever complain when she takes your stuff or wrecks your latest lego. When something breaks, you say, "that's ok, we can fix it", something that we should all try to remember everyday.
It is that gracious heart that makes you special, makes you stand out, and I am so glad that you are mine, that I made such a lovely little boy. A little boy who is not too old yet to crawl into bed in the morning for a cuddle, or too old to give me big hugs and kisses at night.
You are my favorite boy in the entire universe, I love you to the moon (the sun, the next galaxy) and back.
All my love,
Momma

Death by princess

I'm in the kitchen, my daughter comes in.

Naomi: "Mom! An ant!" (We still have a bad ant problem in my house).
Me: "Oh yeah."
N: Maybe I'll pet it."
M: Um, ok.
N: "Or maybe I'll kill it."
Naomi leaves the kitchen and returns with a small princess figurine. She crouches down on the floor and proceeds to pound the ant to shreds with the princess.
N: "I killed it! It's dead! Benny, come look at the ant, I killed it!"

Never a prouder moment.......

Amsterdam to Montreal

Lazy Sunday morning and I should be doing a million other things, my house is tonrnadoed, my stuff needs organizing, breakfast. But the kids are watching a movie and I should catch everyone up. I've been doing a lot of writing, but not of the blog variety, there's a lot of stuff flying around my brain right now.



I arrived in Amsterdam and got to Jane's place early afternoon. Within a few hours, I'd already managed to be drunk, have a nice meal at a cafe, and learn how to ride on the back of a bike. It helps to have an experienced person telling you what to do. They start peddling, then you hop on to the back rack sideways and scootch around until you get your balance, and cross your ankles! That's important. Then, you hop off at intersections and hills and repeat to get back on. I didn't knock Jane off, and she told me when to hop off so I looked reasonably coordinated. I rented a bike, it was not Walter, but it was an ok bike and it served me well for a couple of days. Amsterdam is this amazing unwinding place for me. I know that it's a party town, but if you stay out of the grotty downtown area, it can be very serene and chill.



The first evening I passed out early, and the Saturday was spent running some errands, groceries, a nice lunch in a hip area of town, and a trip to the Noodermarkt where I picked up cheese and perused the antiques and flea market treasures.


I also had a scrumptious nap on her sofa. Jane made a nice dinner and we got through a couple bottles of wine. Sunday she made pancakes and I went to return my bike. I didn't realise that it was raining quite so hard and I should have borrowed an umbrella for the walk back through Vodelpark. I got back to Jane's drenched to the bone and without much extra time to dry off. I changed my jeans, put my wet clothes in a plastic bag and Jane walked me to the bus stop with a brellie. It's always nice to drop in on her for a couple of days and catch up. I got to the airport, picked checked in, picked up stroopwaffels and a few requests from duty-free, and had a decent flight home. When I arrived it was hot and sunny and I came home, picked up my car, grabbed stuff for the kids and went over to see them. Naomi ran halfway down the stairs and jumped into my arms. I'm not sure that I want to be gone for that long again without the kids, at least not when it's not completely necessary.



I love travelling, I love experiencing new things and meeting people and eating new food and just 'being' elsewhere. I get excited and engaged and my brain lights up when I walk around a new city and I see how much is different and how much is the same. It's a connection that's so important to me. So I'm caught between my desire to be elsewhere and my need to be with my kids. It was very obvious that the kids were effected by my long absence this time around. I was too. Naomi seemed so much bigger when I saw her. The best part of this week has been waking up and cuddling with the kids first thing in the morning. Ben has told me many times how happy he is that I am back from Sweden, which melts my heart every time I hear it.
The jetlag is finally fading. It was pretty bad, for the first couple of days I had dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy. It's taking a while to get back into the right mindset, and frankly I'm feeling a bit ambivalent. I've been reminded again of what I want, what I really want to make me happy. Now that I'm home I feel restless and too overwhelmed and tired to get anything done.
I need to have a good long look and let go of some things that are weighing me down and start making other things more of a priority. I'm not getting to a point where I feel empty all the time ever again.

You blink and a week goes by

This week was a tornado. I worked and spent some time trying to enjoy my last bit of time in Stockholm and see my friends.
I've left things as good as they are going to get under the circumstances, so I'm not unhappy. I got everything back into my suitcase, changed hotels twice, had the worst pedicure in history, and laughed a lot through most of it.
I miss my kids so much, I'm looking forward to my two days visiting in Amsterdam and then heading home to see them. It has been too long.
I'll miss Stockholm too, and running along the lake every morning, in the quiet.
See ya next time Stockholm! Hej da!

What a week

It's Saturday morning and I woke up at 5, sigh...
It's been a nutty week, full of work problems and personal crap. At the end of the day, there was a big problem to deal with, but I think it will be resolved one way or the other by Monday. Last night I was a few metro stops from the hotel when I started to feel sick. By the time I got to the hotel, all I could think about was lying down in bed, which I did. Then, I ran to the bathroom and emptied the entire contents of my stomach. I have no idea what happened, fatigue, tummy bug, heat, but once everything was out I felt better and I stayed in for the rest of the evening and slept and watched tv. I'm not sure how I will handle food today, I had a couple crackers last night and that was fine. I decided to forgo the morning run just in case, I need a rest day anyway. I starting to recognize a few people running in the morning, only one of them smiles though. It's so peaceful to run along the water so early in the morning. I often see little brown bunnies, and lots of ducks and swans.
I have work to do this weekend, and I'm supposed to help Jess and Geert move today, their friends bailed on them and they don't know a lot of people yet. I'm happy to help as long as I'm not puking.
Steve is ignoring that I am not happy and treating me like there's nothing wrong. I want to hear about the kids and get videos because I miss them. There's nothing I can do at this point, the damage has been done. I'll have to resolve this when I get back home.
Until then, work, running, and more beautiful Stockholm....

Running twice a day

I'm not quite sure how to describe what happened today. I haven't been able to talk to my kids every night since I left for a variety of reasons. Lately, I've been too tired to stay awake until midnight or later to talk to them, and Steve has mentioned that Naomi has been acting up. The kids miss me. I feel terrible.
So today I brought the web cam to work and snuck a meeting room so I could talk to them in the morning. I was talking to the kids, they could hear me but I couldn't hear them for some reason, when I saw Steve's girlfriend walk out from the kitchen and back again in a nightie.
We had agreed a while back that when we were ready to introduce the kids to someone that we would tell the other. Steve told me, actually I had to ask, the day he introduced her to the kids, less than a month ago. I met her a few days later at the park for a few minutes, then I left on this long trip, Steve has moved house, and now she's sleeping over with the kids in the house. I also found out from the kids that they have met her children, Steve apologized for not telling me about meeting the kids (this was last week that I found out about it)and said it wouldn't happen again, and then a week later, this....he isn't taking this seriously.
Of course, if I had done this to him, it would have been the worst thing ever, but because it's him getting on with his life it's ok. So I have to smile and pretend that every thing is ok in front of the kids so I don't let on that their father can't be bothered to respect their mom.
I have no idea what I should do. When do you choose standing up for yourself over your kids, and why would anyone force you to do it?

Things that are good

I'm feeling like the worst.mom.ever, so I went for a walk.

Return to Stockholm!

The rest of the week got away from me. I'm back in Sweden and about to start work again tomorrow. The rest of my trip in Finland was full of family and more meet ups and food and trying to piece together the mysteries of the family history. I have returned fat and overwhelmed and happy and full of so much love.
This morning I had my first run in over a week along the seawall and it felt so good even though I was still hacking stuff up. I hope I can get up early enough to go again tomorrow.
I miss my kids, this trip feels too long. I know I don't have to worry but they miss me more this time too and it's making me so sad.

More to love

Yesterday was a busy and an emotional day. We started with some sightseeing late in the afternoon. We went to the Russian Cathedral, the national library, the Helsinki Cathedral, the railway station, a bit of shopping, then the rock church.

After we met up with Rita and one of her daughters and we went to a old restaurant with traditional food. We were joined by many other relatives - twelve or thirteen in total- for a meal and good wine. I had asparagus and smoked salmon and new potatoes.

There was lively talk around the table as I met my second cousins and their children, some in school, some in business, all animated and interesting and funny. We compared ourselves, looking for similarities. One of the women looks a lot like a picture we have of my grandmother when she was 15 or 16. After the meal we all walked to my grandmother youngest half-sister's apartment in Helsinki. She is 83, very lively and warm. She reminded me almost instantly of my grandmother, especially the eyes.

She played the piano for us - she plays by ear. Old songs, war songs, popular songs, at one point we were all singing along to Elvis. I was overwhelmed emotionally, to be sitting there with so many wonderful, talented women, all related to me, all coming together to see me. I've never felt so special and so undeserving of such an honour, it was truly remarkable and humbling.

I cried several times during the evening, and laughed, and sang, and shared stories about my grandmother. On the way home I tried to explain to Richard in a text what the evening had been to me and I couldn't come close in words. It was just so much to take in, unreal and overwhelming and marvelous. I slept soundly and woke up this morning to sunshine on the water and birds singing - the first sunny day I've had in Finland.
Today, my grandmother's other half-sister, Meri, came for a visit with her husband, Esko. Joining us for lunch were two more of my mother's cousins, Vaikho and Torsti. We had a good lunch and tried to unravel some of the mysteries of my grandmother's family. There are so many stories that it's hard to tell what is true. Maybe some day we will be closer to figuring out all the real history.

It's Monday, this must be Finland

I spent the week working in the office and then we found out that there was going to be a delay in the project. I was planning on taking some time to visit family in Finland near the end of my stay, but because of the hold up, I contacted my relatives and they were more than happy to receive me a little early, so I booked a flight and off I went!

Like Sweden, it is unusually cold here for this time of year. I packed for a normal Swedish May and was surprised to discover that I should have packed more sweaters and fewer sandals....whoops! Jess loaned me a sweater and I bought a pair of pants, so I'm not so bad off now.
So yes, I arrived in Finland on a cold, grey day and found Mariella, my mom's cousin, waiting for me in a gorgeous red coat, a nice contrast with the weather.

We hugged and then ran to her car and drove to the cemetery to plant some roses on my great-grandfather's grave. Mariella's mom is also buried there. It was mother's day, I missed talking to my kids which was upsetting, but I did get a video.
After the cemetery, we went back to Mariella's home in Espoo and had some tea and talked and she brought out pictures and before you know it it was dinner time so we had a nice meal and then I had a shower and a sauna in hopes of clearing out the cold I've been fighting off. I felt much better by the time I returned upstairs, and we watched the very end of Der Rosencavalier being broadcast on tv. Mariella's a big opera fan which I was very excited to hear. The next time I visit we will try to go to the opera together :-)

So I am perfectly at home and this morning I have been lolling around and had another sauna and had some coffee and tried to walk the dog but he wasn't keen to go out or he doesn't understand because he only speaks Finnish. Later we will go out and see a bit of Helsinki and then go to another cousin's house for a meal and meet more family. How wonderful to realise that you have more people to love in this world.

Here I am again

Flight was full of turbulence and crying babies, getting here was a bit blurry, but right now I'm staying at a swishy hotel for a couple of days right downtown and had a great bath and a nap and dinner and a walk around town. now it's time for bed so I can get up super early to get to the office and get on with it. Woop!

Here I go again

Gonna miss him too....

 

Happy birthday VR

I'm gonna miss my people

 

and where have I been?

Things have been unseasonably hectic this past week, heck, this past few weeks. I'm preparing for another business trip and a vacation, work is crazy and for the first time in a while I am excited and feel creative, focused, and engaged about the things we are trying to accomplish. I will be meeting a part of my family that I thought would be lost forever and the anticipation of that is wonderful. Will they be amazing? Will they be strange? Will I like them? Will they like me? I will explain more later, the story is series of coincidences that managed to fit together as if planned.
My emotions on other matters have also been in turmoil and earlier this week, for some bizarre reason, all of that settled in my head and the anxiety disappeared. I have no idea why, but peace and a calm decisiveness seems to have arrived and everything seems very clear to me. The soft, warm breeze is back and I feel a love for me that has been missing for a while.
I am ready for some change and to accept some loss, I am ready for a change and accepting that I am not an island.
I'm ready, let's go.