Grey day. I'm resisting the urge to crawl under my desk for a snooze, primarily because it was probably last vacuumed never.
Yesterday I grabbed the kiddies and we drove out to the townies to see my folks. The day was surprisingly sunny despite the forecast and we played outside and got bitten by mosquitoes and then played inside and ate cake. We got home and dinner and baths and bedtime and then I did a bunch of stuff and collapsed after midnight and woke up with a daughter passed out in my bed (I have no idea when she crawled in) and a son waking me up and I'm exhausted. Must get through today and run and get a few groceries to get ready for having the kids all week. Steve is at some geeky game convention, so I have our urchins this week and will attempt to keep my sanity. I also have to do some baking tonight because muffins have been requested. Woop!

Errands, market, some writing, some downtime, and.... supper!
So tired.... need....something.....

morning

It's a stunning day here, sunny and not too hot, emphasis on sunny. I spent the morning lounging in my bed reading, surfing, drinking coffee, and dreaming. Mornings like these are wonderful and indulgent and I used to feel guilty about them, but now when I get them I just grab my coffee and run back to bed and laze selfishly in the crisp sheets and allow myself the pleasure of the time completely to myself.
I forgot what it was like to have me time. I mean, I had time to myself when the kids weren't crawling on me, but it's not the same as being alone with no expectations on your time. You forget what that's like when you live with someone and have kids. I know it can get too lonely at times too and I want to share the silence with someone else. It's a balance. Right now, I'm soaking up the solitude when I get it and trying to really enjoy it.
So, now it's off to the market and hopefully tomatoes! I'm in the mood for some cooking, and I saw a few recipes today with fresh tomatoes that are making my mouth water.

Magic

Banjo man, you've stolen my heart. I saw you in Montreal last night, and now all I want is to lay down in the grass and stare up at the starry night sky and hear you serenade me.
thank you :-)

amazing lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-r3Bs_KkP94

"But image on image like beads on a rosary
Pulled through my head as the music takes hold
And the sickener hits, I can work till I break
But I love the bones of you that I will never escape"

Have you ever loved like that? Have you ever been loved like that?

Sleepy, banjos, snubbed

Got back from lunch and am now struggling to keep my eyes open. I can't go for a run, too full. Maggie's home and I met her for lunch at Pushaps.
I'm pretty excited about tonight, I'm going out to see Bela Fleck. He's performing with an African musician at the Francofolies and I know it's going to be fantastic! I love going to live music events that don't involve people with lighters.
I'm starting to make lists of all the work that needs to get done for the end of this month and I'm trying to resist the urge to curl up in a corner and start chewing my hair. It's overwhelming.
Oh, and I have now alienated another academic - too many questions and not enough adoration I believe.....imagine that, theories break down :-)
I'm now starting to think about the qualification of happiness. I'm trying to come up with a list of things that make me truly happy and then thinking more about how they make me feel than what they are, that comfort, that calm that floods though my body when I anticipate them.

Are you happy?

Now discussing ideas of happiness with Gilbert, you gotta love the Internet!
My questions were about the length of time simulated happiness lasts and the nature of choice and experience. I guess that the happiness you create for yourself lasts as long as you are able to maintain the certainty of your decision, there shouldn't be a difference between types of happiness, or is there? Is there an absolute happiness? Is there something that will always bring you happiness in every situation in your life? Is there a place or a person or a thing or a piece of music that you can always point to and say that it will always give you happiness? If it does exist, have you had it since childhood? Is it rooted in something comforting that makes you think, "home"?

muffin woman

More often than not when I need to think, I bake. More often than not when I bake and there's something on my mind I end up with something not on the recipe happening, one thing is substituted for another, a spice is added, a cookie turns into a brownie, or a cake layer. Sometimes things are utterly disastrous, other times they are just what I needed.
I managed to get an astounding amount of fiber and fruit into these puppies and still keep them moist and cakey enough that the kids will eat them. I wonder if I can remember how I did this for next time.....

It's a holiday everywhere else in Canada but here.
That sucks.....

blather

Ben is home! He had so much fun, but I missed him. He and Naomi were ecstatic to see each other. She held him tightly and wouldn't let go and he cried he was so happy to see her. I know they will not do this forever, but I hope that the core of their feelings never changes, I hope that they always have each other. As an only child I never had the chance to bond with a sibling, instead always hanging out on the sidelines and watching it. Do we ever grow out of our desire to have that kind of relationship? Do we always look for people to fill that role?
Last week was rough. I lost my ability to cope for reasons I'm not sure that I understand. I'm sure that this week will be better, not perfect, but better.
I watched Up the Yangtze last night. What a lovely, sad, sweet, surreal movie. I'm not sure how he managed to get people to let him film quite so much. I mean, some of it must have been staged? Just to see how people live, how they survive. The main family start out living in a hut they built by the river, but they must move eventually. They grow some food and he works jobs carrying goods or breaking rocks. Neither parent can read or write or speak English. I guess the thing that struck me most was their knowledge of where they stood in the universe. They had regrets about what they could not give their children in terms of paying for higher education, but they didn't question their place in society or the government's decision to build the dam and displace them. Their ability to accept the decisions of those with authority and even their daughter's boss was very sad for me to watch, but their acceptance of their roles in life was oddly freeing. I've been watching TED talks again, and I was listening to Dan Gilbert talk about the what makes us happy and synthesizing happiness and Alain de Botton talking about our ideas of failure and success and it got me to thinking. As I watched this movie, watching the people, real people, their acceptance of their fate, the way that the mother and father are at peace with their roles in society, they don't beat themselves up because they don't have wealth, they are matter-of-fact about their daughter having to go and work on a cruise ship at the age of 15 or 16. Their daughter has a middle-school education and resents not being able to go to high school, she wants something more and is not content. As much as I could not imagine not questioning authority or willingly tolerate a class system, I realise how easy it must be to come to terms with your life when that is your reality, when you believe that your choices in this world are finite. Does that mean that limited choice and resignation to one type of life is good? Maybe not. But it certainly doesn't keep you up at night. Gilbert's main gist is that people who make a decision and stick to it (are not given a choice to change it) are happier than ones given time to deliberate on whether they are happy with it or not. If not given an option, the choice that you make is one that you eventually become very satisfied with, your brain comes to peace with the situation rather than pondering, "what if". Once again, removing choice and possibility from the menu seems to determine your course. So how do you apply that to a life full of choice? How do you walk down that great big cereal aisle of life and make your choice and stick with it? What happens when you realise that you went with the Cheerios and should have gotten the granola? The times I have been happiest in life have been the times when I have just acted, but that can't be good advice for everyone. And what about when you're happy with your own decisions, but not happy with the decisions of others?
I think it's time to do some baking and see if my head can't get around this.

Try this

http://lab.arc90.com/experiments/readability/

Don't spitting at any where!

Don't spitting at any where!
Originally uploaded by madmaclean

I feel the same way sometimes......

Ben update

I haven't been writing about it, but Ben's having a blast with his grandparents and uncle this week. It's weird just having one of the kids around, but at the same time it's been oddly ok. I guess it's because he deserves a vacation and I'm just so happy that he's able to have one. Money and work schedules have kind of made my taking any time off right now impossible. I would have loved to take the kids away for a week to a beach, but it's not gonna happen, so knowing that Ben is having a great time and doing lots of fun activities makes me feel better. Of course Naomi hasn't had anything, which was also pointed out to me by a couple of the daycare ladies this morning, like I don't feel bad enough. Maybe I can get a couple of long weekends to do something, but I know it's not enough. Sigh.... this will get better......

supper

I barely slept, my mind flying around like a big fat bumblebee collecting thoughts, ideas, fears, hopes, landing for a moment then taking off again, moving on to the next, then the next. This was my first sleepless night here and I'm not ready to start this up again.

no one picks on my landlady

So I'm working from home today because I get more done and could not drag myself into the office. I'm typing away when I hear a ladder rattling outside and some guy climbing the side of the house. Another guy is talking to my landlady on the ground. This isn't her usual handyman, so I immediately started to pay attention. In this neighbourhood, guys come to your door and make up stories, charge the owners stupid amounts of money to fix something, and leave without a trace. They prey on older people, especially widows. I started listening to them and didn't like the way they were pressuring her, so I grabbed some mail from the previous tenants I've been meaning to give her and went downstairs. The next-door neighbour was also out by this point, and we started asking the talking guy questions. He acted all insulted, packed up his ladder, and left.
You picked the wrong lady to hustle you bastard - hope you fall off the next roof.

the girls can cook

The gorgeous Melissa came over last night with flowers and wine and while I prattled on about my life and finished up the chicken salad, she prepared the peaches and the sauce based on my "the first rule of Dina's kitchen is there are no rules" philosophy. Peaches, butter, cinnamon, brown sugar, rum - bake - wow so good with that homemade vanilla ice cream! She coming over to make that for me again!
We had a great meal and the wine went down easy as we sat in the diningroom until late talking and talking.
Girlfriends always make you realise what a kickass person you are, and I needed a little of that. What would I do without my friends? We talked about people coming into your life for a reason, and relationships, and her new duplex, and her fantastic new guy, and life and the endless possibilities that await us. Live here, live now, because you never know when it's gonna stop. Leap, try, dream, do that crazy thing you've been thinking of, embrace the time you have.
Ok, stopping now....geez Dina, get a grip....

Wednesday morning

Yes, I do look this good when I get up in the morning. Scary ain't it?

status report

Still uck. Huge gaping hole that is not going away. Ignoring it for now, but it's getting bigger, probably the white sauce.....
Looking forward to dinner with M tonight and hanging out. Finally a hot day and I'm sleeveless (with a sweater of course, dumb office a/c) and thinking I need more coffee.
More as my brain unfolds...

Did I say throw out the white sauce? I meant, take some, mix it with crushed tomatoes and pesto and serve over leftover pasta with fresh basil. Ummmm yeah, that'll fix my little problem with the scale...
Still feeling so uck. Went for a run, then I was tired and uck. Came home, went out and did groceries at my favorite grocery store. Felt a bit better. Got some divine olives and feta.
Melissa's coming over for supper tomorrow night and has requested the Indonesian chicken salad, so I got fixins for that, how could I say no?
I made a zucchini and spinach soup tonight - nice and green tasting, not too heavy and it'll keep me from buying lunch this week. I'm now making some ice cream to have for dessert tomorrow, I'm thinking it would be wonderful with some grilled fresh peaches, summer, I love you!
Must run tomorrow, a lot....... I think that I'm almost due for new shoes. I've got roughly 700km on these I think, that's averaging it out to 25km a week since January. I felt a twinge in my heel today and my knee's been acting up a bit but I think that's the weather. When did I get old?

Note to my brain: if you could please pick a mood and stay there for more than 10 minutes I'd really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Me

I'm sitting here with a smile on my face and drowning inside. I hate this.

We are having the most PHENOMENAL storm here right now, lightening almost constantly, bursting through the clouds like fireworks. I turned off my lights and I'm out on my porch enjoying the show.
Wow!
Love it if you all could see this with me, the feeling is almost indescribable. How amazing the world is.....

I will not beat myself up because I'm up 4lbs. I will however be dumping the rest of that white sauce I made.....evil stuff......why must butter and cream love my ass so much?
Today was a hard day for only small apparent reasons. Much suckage.....all aboard the pity party express, I hope there's cake.
And then I sat down and made jewelery and playdoh things and felt much better, even if I will now be vacuuming up dried playdoh and beads for the next year.

I have zero patience today and I took my kid to a mall. What the fuck did I think would happen?
Hating myself a little, Naomi's getting lots of ice cream.....
Curl up, ball, help.

sitting around the castle in my pjs eating cereal and watching crap tv, I mean happily ever after

Spent the afternoon at the pool hanging with the girl before we came home for some Cinderella and supper. I tried an experiment with supper. I poached some chicken and shredded it and set it aside, cooked some whole wheat egg noodles and made a white sauce. The kids don't like tomato-based sauces, but I figured that a white sauce might go over well. I added some freshly-grated parmesan to the sauce and grated some carrots and cut up some cucumbers and an orange pepper and served everything to her unmixed with some sauce in a little bowl on the side. Mine I mixed and added some crushed tomatoes and a few extra seasonings. As you can probably guess, she decided she hated the whole thing and finally ate the chicken and the cucumbers. Sigh.....
Well, it was worth a shot.
Watched this movie with Helen Hunt tonight. I always liked Mad About You, but she kinda dropped off the map. She's gotten really thin and her face looks sunken. I think that's how I was starting to look when I got too thin and I was all stressed, ok, not skeletal like Hunt, but on my way there, she's way too thin. I've still got my thighs and butt and little rolls and stuff, I'm not in danger of being emaciated anytime soon. It wasn't the best movie in the world, and after watching Cinderella I can see that in some ways my 35 or so years of movie watching really hasn't changed a great deal. Always the prince we're looking for, always that man who just shows up on cue and loves us almost instantly. That idea fell away for me in my twenties, perhaps a bit earlier and I've fought that idea for so long in my adult life, the idea that there's a person out there who wants to be with you so much he'll scour a kingdom with a glass shoe, slay a dragon, search without end till he finds you sleeping in the forest with a bunch of strange short men. I've always told myself that you don't marry the person that you can't live without, you marry the person that you can live with, even when they're being a real asshole. In the end that works for a lot of people, but it's never gonna work for me. When you stop believing you stop looking, stop hoping, stop knowing that there could be someone out there who would bring that shoe to your door, who would change the world in even a small, clever, surprising way because they want to be with you so much. The royalty and the palace stuff is bunk though.... but a good princess always has a half-decent stock portfolio and RRSPs.

afternoon napping on a great big bed

Sitting in my ex's living room waiting for the in-laws to come and get Ben for a week of fun and games in Ottawa. He's only ever been away from us for one night – ever. This is going to be weird. This is the kind of stuff that he'll remember when he's older. I was never close to my grandmothers. I never liked my dad's mom, she was a hard lady, and pretty mean. I loved my mom's mom, but she kept her emotions in check a lot, that was just her way. My kids are lucky to have all four grandparents and to have such great relationships with them.
Yesterday was a down day. I eventually went for a run and then home, a shower, and then some me time. I put on my comfiest clothes and picked up a new book, laid down on my bed and spent a couple of hours reading and napping. Pure bliss! You forget what a luxury that is sometimes, to be quiet and just be, nothing to do, no one to see, no place to go, that hazy, happy, heaviness that comes over you when you lay down on a crisp bed and begin to unclutter your mind.
After I woke up I went down to the video store and picked up “Forgetting Sarah Marshal” which helped shake off the blahs. Bits were stupid and predictable, but there were some lines which were truly original, and of course the full frontal guy nudity, which is astounding for any Hollywood film. I know that penises are not the most graceful bits of anatomy, but I have no idea why they are so shunned. Perhaps if they were seen more people would find them more attractive. I've always liked them in that quirky way that you like strange-looking dogs, or odd clay statues your kids make.
Once Ben is away, Naomi and I are off to do something. She needs new shoes, but it's so nice a day that we may just go to the park instead. This summer has taught us to take advantage of the nice weather while it's here.
And supper? Hmmmm... good question.....

Went over to Lysanne's last night for supper. She dove into her fridge and pulled out tons of fresh veggies and fruit and suddenly there was a meal! I helped by putting together a huge fruit salad. I was soooo stuffed! The simplest meals are often the best, especially when they're shared with a friend and a bottle of wine. We talked till late and I wandered home. I had a hard time getting out the door this morning. It's a grey day and to be perfectly honest I'm having one of those curl-up-into-a-ball-and-cry days. When these hit, and as you know they have been hitting often, I ache for that perfect hug. So far, that hug has not produced itself.
I have Naomi all weekend so that Steve can do his annual blogathon. Ben will be spending some quality time with his grandparents this week, so I fear that Nomi will be missing her favorite playmate. I'm looking forward to spending some time with just her, I think we are due for a girl day.

Newsflash

I have discovered that I don't like grappa......oof.

Dear Mr. Policeman

To the cop who gave me the ticket this morning: thanks for making my morning a bit suckier, you know I didn't deserve it and I'm sure karma's gonna get you today.
I will now try not to take your crap attitude out on anyone else.....

Dutch music and beets

Listening to the most amazing album by Marike Jager - she's Dutch. A friend there sent me a couple of songs and I'm hooked.
Work's been a bit crazy, I'm a little unfocused so it's taking me longer to get things done. For the past couple of nights I've been up late, half working, half surfing the Internet and day dreaming. I know that I need a break, to turn my life off for a week and go to a place where there is water and no one expects anything of me. I know who I'd want there too.
But enough of my dreams of vacation! Let's get with the salad!
I made this beet salad recently and it turned out really well, I've been caught up in the arugula spirit! In fact, I have a large bag of it in the fridge and I have to get busy before it goes the way of all lettucey things.


I've been doing more with beets recently and really enjoying them. I never ate them when I was a kid, but I'm making up for lost time now.
This recipe also turned me on to my new favorite thing - sour cherry jam. I'm not a jam person because I'm not a toast person, but this stuff is divine and is great for throwing into things where you want a little soury-sweet something.

My brain's deconstructing all over the place and causing havoc - it's a real drag to be an English major some days.....

supper

Hooray for sun!

Ben's party was a success! The forecast was dire, but then at noon the clouds parted, the sun came out and it turned into a beautiful afternoon!
I finished the cake in the morning after a birthday breakfast and walked it over without mishap. The kids started arriving at the park and once we assembled we trooped down to the pool for an hour of splashing before heading back up the party area for pizza and junk food and then cake and presents. Ben and his friends had a great time. I'm always amazed that no one ever gets bored and that his friends are so enthusiastic about hanging out with him. I also love watching him play with his friends and talk to them. He's really coming into his own. We did the pinata and everyone scrounged for candy and toys and then one by one the kids went home and the remaining adults headed down to Steve's place for some hanging out. Ben of course made out like a bandit - lots of little lego robot-type people that I can barely figure out with instructions. Ben just looks at the box and puts it together. I'm amazed.
Today I slept in and enjoyed coffee in bed, then had a slow day with some work, some errands, some house chores. I should probably get some cooking done tonight. I figured that I'd dump all the odds and ends out of the fridge and see what inspires me. Wish me luck!

Happy birthday Ben

My son, you are 6! When did 6 years pop up and happen? You have been wonderful and giving from the start. You arrived early so that you didn't have to be delivered by the obstetrician that mommy couldn't stand, you were so charming that the nurses held you all night long that first night, they couldn't bear to put you down. Even your delivery was calm and trouble free.
As you have grown, you have developed into your own person, but the kindness of your soul has remained constant, drawing people to you, encouraging them to take the light and sweetness that you exude and share it with others. People respond to your beautiful heart and they want to be around you, I've seen you melt the hardest heart, and make even the toughest exteriors crumble with your smile. You are a truly remarkable person, and I cannot wait to see what this year will bring for you. You have given me more than you know and I'm so happy that you are part of my life, that I am your momma.
A thousand hugs and kisses,
Momma

I'm making waffles!

Another day, I'm sure that I did stuff... I felt pretty busy.
Got home with the kids and we were all starved so we did a leftover supper of odds and ends. I still had enchilada filling in the fridge so I used that, and pasta for Ben, and chicken and random stuff for Nomi. I have to do more prep work on suppers for the kids - we get home at supper time so they can't wait that long to eat or they get all crazy - I understand because when I don't eat I kinda lose my mind. Despite the fact that I know this happens and I know I forget to eat ALL the time, I never think to bring food with me. The man of my dreams may turn out to be the one who always carries a Snickers bar in his pocket, although it'd be pretty melted I suppose......
So I flipped on the tv while I was trying to install some software and there was this interesting documentary on food on CBC, but I didn't end up watching it because I had stuff to do. I made a batch of waffles and some granola. Breakfasts have been challenging this week, for some reason Naomi has decided to eschew her homemade bread and butter addiction, and Ben has been kinda eh with his standards. I normally only do waffles on the weekend and then we eat leftovers during the week, but I figured what the heck I'd do them tonight, and I've been out of granola for three days so it was time.
The bit of the doc that I did see showed this grocery store in Ohio called Jungle Jim's. It has a monorail running outside! And it's apparently the place to go for all things ethnic. I must go. Every place I travel to I treat grocery stores like tourist attractions. I love going up and down the aisles and seeing all the weird new food. And let's not get started about open-air markets! I walked through a great one in Amsterdam.
I will get around to writing about my trip. I can't wait to go back.

random

Sitting at my desk enjoying some carrot-ginger soup and homemade whole wheat bread and butter....nummmm.
I have the kids until Friday. We opened up the tinkertoy box last night. Do you remember tinkertoys? Well, the new sets have the wooden sticks and round whats-its with all the holes, they also have plastic curved joiners and all kinds of new parts and I have no clue what to do with them. Ben made some amazing robots, Naomi made a hammer (my genetics are showing - can you tell she's my girl?) and then made buildings, well, she said they were buildings anyway. I tried to follow their imaginations and not direct - what they were coming up with was way more interesting than anything I was thinking about anyway. I ended up staying up way too late trying to finish some work, but the sleeping was divine when my eyes finally decided they couldn't focus and I passed out. Another excellent morning cuddle and then some playtime, some breakfast, and then out the door. I forgot my cell phone at home, but I remembered all the kid stuff. I am a bit lost without my phone, I wasn't driving home to get it either.
Irene's coming over tonight for a visit and some wine and to bring me her old camera - I'm buying her 20D and a nice general lens. I've been wanting to get a DSLR for years, and when she told me she was putting her old one up for sale I couldn't resist, it's an excellent starter camera. Let's see if my photography improves.....I tend to think it won't, but at least the images may be better quality.
I'm also getting geared up for Ben's birthday party this Saturday. There will be much cake baking Friday night. I'm doing something with Transformers, but it will be my usual lame making two big yellow cakes (from scratch!) and then sticking action figures all over. Still better than something store bought I think...

what I need

I'm having one of those days where I am wearing all of my emotions on the outside of my body. This morning when I woke up to the rain I felt so sensitive, vulnerable, open.
I need a hug, a hug that envelops my entire body and makes me feel safe and warm and wanted.

and we live in igloos too

It's July and I'm wearing a sweater and seriously considering the fuzzy socks - what is wrong with this picture? There is nothing that I appreciate more usually than a cool July evening, except when it's preceded by a cold, rainy July day, multiple ones to be exact. I have tiny little tank tops (well, as tiny as mine get) waiting in the closet for those hot days where you just can't stand clothing. I know I will regret this, but I'd love to be complaining about that fact that I do not have an air conditioner, at least for one solid week. On the plus side, I don't have that ceiling fan up in Nomi's room (issue with the fixture screws), and I only own one fan, so perhaps I should just shut my trap and love the fact that I am sleeping at night. I am sleeping, deeply, dreamlessly, without waking up to contemplate life at 3am. When I wake up I feel pretty rested and alive. I snuggle down under the duvet and I think about how nice the sheets feel and the light coming in from the window, and I listen to the birds and spend a little time picturing what I want and what I need and how I'm partway there. Then, I get my ass out of bed and put on my parka and get ready for a brand new day.

all hail rain

I'm sitting in my office enjoying this awesome thunder storm and hail, and then I remember that I forgot to close the windows at home. I see a mop in my future.....

supper

Indonesian chicken salad with a peanut dressing - making this again....

another morning

sunday

Yesterday went according to plan. The kids and I went out to the breakfast place and had a nice meal and then we metro'd down to the site. I don't know why I even bother taking the kids to shows, I could just let them ride the metro all morning and they would have been thrilled. We took a detour to the washrooms at Complex Desjardins and discovered a little treasure: there's an echo chamber built into the food court! There's a spot in the middle that has a concave in the ceiling and when you're under there you can make the most amazing sounds. We played there for ages while people were walking past staring at us like we were idiots. Some people have no idea what's fun..... And of course CD has that big fountain - that's all we needed.
So we went to the show and it was too talky for the majority of kids there, there should have been more music. Naomi got bored and when she's bored she picks on Ben, luckily, he was a good sport about it. Then we took the metro back - yay!!! When we got home it was starting to get grey and ominous, so after lunch we made cookies, or rather, they helped until they got bored (pretty fast), and then I finished up. Steve came and got the kids before supper and I was at loose ends. I got in touch with Guislaine and went and picked her up and we ate and had some booze and yakked until midnight. It was a good girl evening.
We had some incredible thunder and lightening last night, it was lighting up the sky and shaking the house.
I woke up early and enjoyed the morning with coffee and Internet in bed, a bit of reading. I also figured out what I'm cooking this week so I can do some shopping and get a few things in the fridge for the week. And I must clean the house today, or find a house elf.

morning

So far the weather prediction is bunk – it was supposed to pour rain and yet it's a beautiful early sunny morning, light streaming in through my window, a cool breeze giving me goosebumps. Nomi woke early and crawled in for a cuddle, bliss until she started booping my nose. They are now watching a movie and I am showered and back in bed with a coffee. I get so much done on the principle of “I'm up anyway”. Kids are great for that, they are the reason that you find yourself scrubbing the toilet at 3am.
I've always loved early mornings, that feeling that you are one of the few experiencing the new day, the quiet, the foggy misty stuff that happens before the sun burns it off, the peace. Running really early is something that I've started to enjoy with my free mornings – the feeling that I am alone in the world, hearing my feet hit the pavement, the sound of my breath – and I'm up anyways.....
The tentative plan for today is to go down to our breakfast restaurant and then take the metro to the Jazz Fest for the children's show at 11. If we miss it there's another one at 1:30. After that the weather will decide what we do – either to the park for swimming or home for cookie baking. Steve's taking the kids tonight. I had some plans but they fell through so now I'm thinking about maybe going down to the port for fireworks, we'll see......

question

It's too nice a day to be inside, why the hell do I have my ass parked in this office chair?

A beautiful sunny day for a change! I woke up this morning, went for a run, got ready, and went to the dentist for my cleaning. No cavities this visit! Honestly, I have the worst teeth, I get cavities no matter what I do.
Adriana came over for dinner last night and I made vegetarian enchiladas. I kinda grabbed three recipes and then made something up and I have to say that the sauce was fantastic - now if I can remember exactly what I did........ I served it with sliced iceberg lettuce with a splash of lime juice and rice vinegar and seasalt, and of course there was sour cream and a very chunky guacomole. After we had a strawberry rhubarb crumble that I made Sunday night with vanilla ice cream and cappucinos - perfection!
I have the kids tonight. I've been jonesing for them all week. I picked up Ben on Tuesday, but I haven't seen Naomi - it's getting a little better but I miss them so much.

sleeping under the same moon

The moon is so gorgeous tonight. I spent a lot of time looking at it and thinking about how amazing the world is and how everyone I love and everyone who loves me can all see the same damn moon. One of my friends had a baby today, a new life. It just doesn't get more amazing than that. A new little person to inhabit this world and share its joy and its pain. I've always believed in the idea that there is something bigger than me at work - not god, but an energy that exists between people, bringing things together when they need to be brought together, creating connections, love, life, opportunity, if you just give it the chance. That sounds flaky I know, eh, maybe I'm a big flake. What I do know is the more that you fight something you feel, the more the world fights you. In the end, you are better to go with the feeling and see where it takes you and let it teach you something. I'm learning, I'm learning.

Waffles make everything a little better

I am strong, I will be happy, I have strawberries, waffles, and maple syrup.

It's ok to cry

Tonight at jammy time both kids freaked out on me. Ben was going on about something "scary" he saw in tv (which was not scary and they had both been retelling the story all afternoon over and over again and laughing) and Naomi suddenly clung to me and wouldn't say anything. This is the hard part. This is the part that I have been dreading. Naomi understands what is happening. She wrapped her little arms around my neck tightly and wouldn't let go, she curled up into my lap, I could hear her breathing sometimes soft sobs. I held her back as tightly and we just sat there, rocking back and forth and I tried to reassure her that everything would be ok, that it was ok to be sad, that I was sad too and that Steve and I would always love her, never leave her. She was quiet and subdued for the rest of the night, so unlike my kid that I am so worried and beyond upset. This is all my fault, how can I do this to her?

Things I love

Waking up with a breeze blowing over my shoulders and having a little girl climb into bed with me so we can share secrets, play nosies, and sing Itsy Bitsy Spider together....

Went to Ikea, Naomi was very good despite all the people, although she has started running off which has got to stop. Going there any time around moving day or beginning of term is just stupid.
We got a step stool, some cheap folding chairs, a tea set that Nomi talked me into, some curtains, and night lights. On the way home, the girl fell asleep in the car. We got home, ate, played, and then it was off to pick up recycling boxes, then Ben. We are now sitting at Steve's place while Ben does his ABA. I'm thinking spaghetti for supper. We didn't get to everything on our list, but we didn't do too badly.
Fika was enjoyed by all apparently.
Work will get done on the weekend. My folks are getting a lift in, looking at my new place and driving the truck home. They are also bringing in a few things that I had stored.
Can't wait to get home and get the kids settled so I can rest - another long day.
I did a 15 books that stick with you meme on FB. These are mine, what are yours?
Catcher in the Rye
The Great Gatsby
Goodnight Moon
A Prayer for Owen Meany
Chicago Manual of Style
Moosewood Cookbook
Short Stories of John Cheever
Ulysses
A Wrinkle in Time
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Pride and Prejudice
Midnight's Children
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
The Death and Life of Great American Cities
Eat, Pray, Love
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Yeah, it's 16....and of course later I started thinking about all the other good ones I missed.....

Friday...

All in all, I can't complain about my kids first night. Ben only fell out of bed twice (must remember to put cushions on the floor tonight), and Naomi slept straight through. We woke up to light rain and a cool breeze and they climbed into my bed and we chatted, Ben mostly about Star Wars (while holding the dvd), Naomi mostly about a birthday party (while clutching 15 gazillion things). Then we got up and got ready and ate and despite some last minute panic about not finding rubber duck (under her bed), we managed to get Ben to camp. Naomi is staying home today because I haven't been able to get the smaller creatures, although I'm sure they're dead, out of her hair. Time to find an even smaller comb. She did let me blow dry her hair this morning so it looks very fluffy.
Naomi is just finishing second breakfast and then we are off for a day of errands which hopefully will result in chairs, lighting, and curtains, and a smaller comb..... I am so looking forward to Ikea with a 3-year-old.....

nit picker

• Daughter is fine, will wash her hair in the morning and comb it and see if I can bring her to daycare tomorrow. If not then it's a vacation day!
  
• We have to stop by the office because it's also my fika. Actually, it was my fika last week, but I didn't know, so it's this week and I can't be there.
  
• Am making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for said fika and bringing in some of the banana cupcakes. Have I mentioned that I'm loving the oven so far? I thought that the digital oven controls were gonna be a pain but they aren't and the timer is so easy! Of course, it will be a pain when it breaks.....
  
• Must buy dining chairs tomorrow, although it was kinda cute to be sitting and eating pizza tonight (too worn to make dinner I'm afraid), Ben in my office chair, Naomi in a folding camp chair and me sitting on a step stool. The novelty will wear thin however.....
  
• Kids were great tonight and bedtime was wonderful and there were no tears or weirdness. I'm so glad my kids are resilient, I just have to make sure that I make this good for them.
  
• Have I mentioned I'm wiped? A friend of mine mentioned this place in the Adirondacks where you park your car, rent a canoe, and can just take off and camp for a couple of days. That's starting to sound better and better.
  
• Beer and cookies tastes ok.

my daughter is teaming with life, literally

Got a call from Steve - daycare called and Nomi has head lice...ugh....could this day get more stressful? Go to pharmacy, go to Steve's, start washing everything, give Nomi the treatment, have you ever tried getting a three-year-old to sit still while you run a nit comb through her hair? I doubt she'll be able to go in tomorrow, she had it pretty bad....sigh...
Still looking forward to having the kids over though - especially now that delousing has commenced.....
I. need. a. vacation.

For later.....

Squeaky Sandals

Squeaky Sandals
Originally uploaded by avidreader514

At least you always know where she is......

Did I mention I'm also painting Nomi's dresser and mirror and have just decided that the pink is too pepto bismally.... oh well.....
I made some banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and they are spectacular - moist and nice banana flavour when the nanas are on their way out. Lots of frosting left over too. Naomi has been asking for banana cake for a while, so I thought that I'd try out a new recipe. The kids are staying over for the first time tomorrow night and I'm hoping it goes well. I don't have the energy to write about the kids yet and how it's going with them and me. I knew this would be hard.
It's time for a shower and some reading.
I'm starting to have a really crappy night all of a sudden....

and how was your Canada Day?

Happy C-Day! It was a gorgeous day, but I didn't get to enjoy any of it.
Today was a toy and clothes organizing day. While the kids were in Ottawa I went through and tried to sort through all that stuff and bring some over to my place. The clothes went pretty well, but the toys just overwhelmed me. I couldn't find half the stuff I was looking for (presumably it's down in the basement), so I ended up bringing a small amount of stuff here, but it barely looks like I made a dent. I guess more will migrate over, but when you can't find all the pieces for a toy, there's no point. I see a large dumpster in my future......
On the bright side, at least I wasn't moving today.
We are having a big thunderstorm here and it sounds fantastic and the wind's blowing and the lightening....I live for evenings like this.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours

Made it to the concert, crowds weren't so bad, everyone was pumped, dancing in the streets! I love this city!

very superstitious

Work is a blur - a lot going on and now that vacations are starting, things are getting more complicated. I had a great meeting with the project we just completed and they are very happy with our work.
But enough of that! I am eating a green salad with leftover grilled chicken, tomatoes, and avocado with my own special vinaigrette (meaning, I use very little oil and enough different types of vinegar to choke a horse - I really love vinegar), and getting ready to head downtown where I am meeting up with some girlfriends to either:
a) Go and check out the free Stevie Wonder concert (hooray Jazz Fest!)
b) If it starts to downpour (thunderstorms predicted), go and see Food Inc.
I'm personally hoping for Stevie Wonder. I'm not a big fan, and the crowds are insane and make me crazy, but it's fun to do it sometimes and the energy at the Jazz Fest is outta this world.

Things I shouldn't admit, part 2

I called my folks because it's been over a week and they both asked when I was coming home (answer? when I have time and can coordinate truck returning with Steve).
Anyhoo, I got off the phone and realised that I don't really remember everything that my mom told me (ok, pretty much all of it) because while I was talking to her I was also accepting her invitation to be her friend on Facebook (oh hurrah, my mom's on FB....), and editing my privacy settings for her. It seemed like the perfect opportunity because she obviously wasn't on the computer (they have dial up).
Worst. daughter. ever.

Just a Monday

More rain, this morning was perfect for sleeping in - cool and just a light rain, a nice day to snuggle under the duvet with a book and some tea and hide out from the world. Unfortunately, it's Monday, so up I got and started my early morning sorting out problems with the European delivery before coffee. By the time I got to the office I had already worked for two hours, then it was time for the officemate weekend recap. We have been having an impromptu Michael Jackson tribute today by belting out bits of songs with words from our conversations. We are a merry band of untalented pop singer wannabees (wannabe starting something, got to be startin something. Too high to get over, yeah yeah).
Delivery gone! Next project already started, headaches to follow.
I have been thinking about stroopwafels all afternoon. They are these fantastic Dutch cookies, thin crispy small waffle-type wafers with a caramel sandwiched between. You sit them on top of your hot drink to soften the caramel, and they are chewy and over amazing. I brought some home, but they are long gone and now I've gone on the great Montreal stroopwafel hunt of summer 2009. I found a place that sells them, so now I just have to find the time to go and collect my precious cookie treasures. In my desperation, I did find recipes which would require me to get a little contraption to make the waffle parts - they have to be the right size and very thin, thinner than pizelle. Perhaps it would make a nice Christmas treat. I will add it to my list of fairly useless kitchen gadgets.
Got home, took out my garbage, had a quick bite and am on my way over to see my kids. I actually think that I don't have much work to do tonight - hooray!

bits

Woke up this morning and headed out for another run. It was a fantastic morning for a run, cool and damp, overcast, but not dreary. One of those mornings where you can smell *everything* in the air. I find mornings like that rejuvenating and open with possibility, so fresh and clean and so SENSORY! You just want to embrace all the feelings. Fueled by this, 6km went by while my mind distracted itself. When I got back, showered, coffeed, granola'd and then set about hanging curtains in my room and filling the bookcases in the living room. There's still a lot of empty space which is grand! I want to bring over kid books and some games and such so it's perfect. I got rid of a bunch of boxes, but now the stuff that's left is a bit of a quandary - I'm not sure where to put it or if I need it.
I also found out that Liz' ex is no where near ready to give up the sectional set, so I will be without living room furniture for a while. I have a chair and some cushions, so I'm not hurting. How often do I sit in there? I haven't watched the tv since I moved in. I put stuff on for the kids, but they share the chair or sit on the floor.
I just had to turn off the radio. It's this program called Peter and the Symphony, and it's the honcho from the TSO talking about symphonies and that's fine. He's very informative for us non-music knowing types. Problem is, he then talks over the music, which always leaves me screaming, "shaddup, I can't hear", at the radio. I can't be the only one......

lunch

All that lifting is making me hungry

I have bookcases and the soup is too salty.....must tweak tomorrow. Luckily, it was a small batch. Need to sleep, and dream of the perfect soup; honestly, I should have known that was too much salt, I don't know what I was thinking......
It may also be time to make up my infamous bulgar-lentil salad....ummnumnum

rain has come

I crashed when my company network crashed at 2am. I woke up to the sound of the rain pounding down 6 hours later. I ran to close the windows, then returned to bed and listened to the water falling in torrents. I have been waiting for this.
More work to finish today and then some physical labour - gotta love it.

deadlines suck

So I'm working on this project and now have a ton of docs to check before I put them in a folder so that they can be turned into libraries. A lot of docs that have to be checked tonight, as in it's almost 11pm and I'm still doing this and not close to done and the network is soooo slooowwww.....
I need more food to stay awake.....

am

I was awake really early this morning. I watched the sun come up, then decided to get off my ass and go run. 5km, starting to feel a bit better, lungs weren't as rough, but still nowhere near where I was when I was running 6 days a week. I think I will cut back to 3 or 4 days a week for a while. It's already 26 with the humidity, so I'm glad that I went out when it was cooler. Despite the heat, there was a fantastic breeze blowing in my window last night, so sleeping was nice. I may need to get a couple of fans in and I definitely have to put up that ceiling fan in Naomi's room. It's sunny now, beautiful morning. I'm hoping for a big old thunderstorm this afternoon. I love storms, love the feel, the electricity in the air, the darkness that descends, the power and force of the rain and the wind, and watching the sky light up. I can't wait to sit out in my little sun porch and watch it come down.

Hot, humid night. Sitting in my sun room in the back in the dark watching a huge storm that passed my neighbourhood in the distance as it lights up the clouds. Feeling disappointment that it didn't set down here and wash some of the heat away.....

sigh

he ain't heavy

I woke up early this morning and decided enough was enough, it was time for a run.
It took me a while to get organized, but then I hit the road - ugh! The first two kilometers were killer! The second two were slightly better, and on the last bit before I got home I just started hitting my stride. Despite the sunblock, I still managed to get a bit of sun on my arms, probably because I was sweating it off. I got back, showered, had breakfast, and started to put things away! It took a while, but by the time I stopped for lunch the bedroom was in decent enough shape. I got some of the living room done that I could manage without additional bookcases. There's a lot of stuff still piled up in boxes.
Steve took the kids to the pool in the morning, then I took them in the afternoon. They had a great time and were playing so well together. I love watching them interact, make up stories, call for each other, dragging each other around the pool, hand in hand. As an only child, I was determined to have at least two kids, I remember staying at my friend's houses and watching them with their siblings and I was always so jealous. I wanted a brother, I wanted to be bonded to someone like they were. They all hated it of course and were jealous of me, but they had no idea what it was like to be the constant source of everything to their parents, and as you get older it just gets harder.
Ben and Naomi will have their own challenges, and I do worry about Naomi becoming her brother's caretaker, but for right now it is so amazing to watch them play, and imagine, and laugh together. They will always have one another throughout life, and I hope that one day they know how lucky they are.

lunch

and where do you see yourself in ten years?

I'm facing a bit of a dilemma recently. Um, perhaps that's an understatement.
Many people consider what I've done recently to be:
a) A huge mistake
b) Part and parcel of a huge 40 crisis/freakout
c) What Dina does every X number of years because she's essentially a flighty dumbass
d)All of the above

These aren't all the people I know, thankfully. Many people think at least one of those, but they also love me, so they just hug me and shrug.

I've thought every one of the above and now I just don't care what other people think. I spent so much time second guessing myself, not believing what I was telling myself, blaming myself for every step that took me to this decision. In the end, I may be crazy, but I have no other options. I'm going with the crazy because nothing else is working.

My new dilemma is this: I've put myself of this course, the destination is happiness. But what kind of happiness would I like? In the scheme of things are there some forms of happy that are better than others? Some that are more worth the effort or the wait? What if I was told that something that I wanted would take 5 years of part-time study, or sacrificing something that I hold close, or would just take time in order for me to sort out my life and be ready to accept it? Do I have that kind of patience? Can I stop myself from rushing headlong into things, and am I even meant to wait? Perhaps I am meant to run happiness down without hesitation and grab it up, is hesitation my problem? Should I throw myself into its centre, vulnerable, and embrace what happens?

Some days it seems like the world is begging me to come and get it, other days I fear a misstep. What's a crazy girl to do?

That radish salad turned out really well! I got out the old Benriner and sliced them up thin and soaked them in salted water for 15 minutes and then tossed them with lime juice and some pepper and then I left them in the fridge overnight and when I opened the fridge they were a lovely pinky shade.

I also did more granola last night. It was nice waking up to this for breakfast.
Today was Ben's first official day of no school, so I went over to pick him up after breakfast and brought him back to my place where he amused himself while I got some work done and then we went out for errands. One of my errands was to get some strawberries, but the selection was appalling, so I got blueberries instead. Ben went to therapy and I did some more work and then dug out the ice cream machine! It was still soupy after supper, but Ben liked it. Naomi was rather fussy and wasn't that interested.

I really have to start running regularly again. Since I got back to Canada my routine has been lax and I know that I have to start all over again to build up the lungs I've lost. Time has been a definite factor - between the move and work I haven't had anything left. Time to get back on the road!

food

Back to the kitchen!

I was tired all day and when I left work I was pretty uninspired about food. While running another errand I started to perk up, so I stopped by Akhavan on the way home and their produce was divine! Some veggies and a small piece of Bulgarian feta and it was home for frittata!


I prepared everything and started cooking and then stopped to open a bottle of wine and misjudged the timing because I'm not using a non-stick pan (which is now added to my list of errands for this week) my frittata became scrambled egg and veggie thing - still tasty, but not photo-worthy.
After supper, I wandered over to say goodnight to my kids (I couldn't go a night....) and then back home to make some granola and a radish salad because the radishes looked too darn good at the store to abandon.

He did it!

Just the facts

So tired. Almost fell asleep at 7:30, but I had to get Ben's grad gear ready for tomorrow.
He's graduating from kindergarten - every tiny achievement. It's cute, but completely pointless. Ran errands today and got a few things done around the house, but no real unpacking. Kuan stayed over after Maggie's bash - fun times! We got up late and had coffee and talked and then my neighbour came over to install my dishwasher and Kuan's dad came into town for brunch with her. After the dishwasher was installed, which of course turned out to be more complicated than normal, I got a new drill and then went grocery shopping. I was about halfway through when Kuan called to say she was on her way back, so I cut it short and headed home, said goodbye, and then was out again to finish picking up odds and ends. In the late afternoon Steve phoned to say that the wading pool was open and I ran over to play with the kids. They love that wading pool! After I treated Steve to some Father's Day Lebanese from a local place and helped get the kdis settled, then back to my place to hem and iron Ben's clothes. So, I have some groceries, some odds and ends, and more chaos than you can imagine.
I had wanted to cook something today, but it will have to wait.
I have a lot of things on my mind, I'm not ready to share yet. I just keeping telling myself, "things are going to work out".

Home

Men came and men moved stuff. I made another trip on my own and then stood and surveyed the damage. There are boxes and bags everywhere, clothes everywhere, furniture everywhere. I have a lot to do, and right now I'm watching the kids so I can't do any of it. I did get the wireless installed though - yay me!
Last night I went home and I was so tired that I just passed out. I slept deeply and woke up early this morning and it was quiet and it was sad and also not sad. I now need a week to get myself organized. I have to put stuff away, and do groceries, and figure out what I'm missing, hang stuff on the walls, pick up a few more bookcases from a friend, hang a ceiling fan.... a thousand little things that make where you live you. When my kids start sleeping over it will really be home.

Home. Late. Move tomorrow. Girls were a lot of laughs.
It's amazing being with people who know just how imperfect you are and love you anyway.

Whirlwind

I am beyond scattered right now, it's time to stop and regroup:

• Guy I arranged to move me can't find another guy to help him like he thought he could. I am emailing all the other people who got in touch yesterday to find someone else.
  
• Went to the SAAQ to pay for the tax and get the reg in order and when I went to put my plate on discovered that there were no screws - have to stop by on way home from work.
  
• Have to finish throwing books in boxes so big men can lift them into trucks (there aren't that many left), and organize everything that they are taking so it's easy in the morning.
  
• Move coffee machine and duvet over to the new place tonight because:

I am sleeping there for the first night......

After supper, I'm going over to Maggie's because Kuan's driving up for Maggie's birthday bash, and then I'm driving home and sleeping in my bed in my new place for the first time ever. I have no idea how I am going to react....

Raining, light reflecting on the path through the park, so quiet listening to the drops landing on the pavement, feeling the wind, hearing it rustle through the trees.