A lesson in thinking

I have to say that I'm learning a lot about myself and what a dumbass I am most of the time. Part of this move for me is simplifying, meaning that I am attempting to get rid of a lot of the stuff that I do not need, or should not be lugging around anymore. Now, I still have a lot of crap, but I'm trying to get rid of a lot too. I decided to move myself to my new place because I don't have a lot of heavy stuff and because so much was staying, it would be impossible to pack. I have been bringing stuff over slowly all month unpacking it, and then returning for more. But at some point, I had to tackle larger items. Some stuff Maggie and I did, some stuff I did by myself with my dad's truck, and then came the heavy stuff. I have been worrying and trying to find someone to move my bigger stuff for two weeks and getting anxious. Last night as I was laying in bed I realised that I had been blowing this up way out of proportion and feeling helpless and pathetic for a few sticks of furniture. The solution was simple: I put an ad in our company forum looking for two guys to move stuff for me for $200. Within minutes this stupid problem that I'd been agonizing over was gone and I have no idea why I didn't do it earlier. Yeah, it's a lot of money for very little effort, but it's done. Saturday morning they are showing up and moving my crap. It's a small price to pay for so much weight off my shoulders (ha ha).
I just can't figure out why I got my panties in such a bunch and adopted such a defeatist attitude when the answer was so damn simple.
Lesson learned! Moving on!

Why I love my hood

11:30 at night, warm summer evening, walking down the sidewalk, it's dark and almost no sounds from the houses. The gas station on the corner is lit up and a few people are gassing up, washing windshields. I round the corner and see a few people walking their dogs in the park, a few people chatting, and a young guy with his guitar in the picnic/horseshoe area playing a quiet song to his girlfriend, starting over and over trying to get the chords right.

Owwwww

My back is so sore I can barely move......

On the back burner

With everything that's going on, cooking really hasn't been happening. I'm tired and stretched, so food has become whatever is quick and easy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, I have a fridge and a stove and I'm making a grocery list and wondering what my first meal at my new place should be. Something simple, something tasty, something fresh, something that my kids will eat. Ok, how about something my kids will eat part of?
Soup? A casserole? Pasta tossed with some pesto and a salad with some homemade bread? Ooo! Maybe some vanilla ice cream and fruit to round it off? Fresh Quebec strawberries....
I think I know what I'm going to be thinking about as I drift off tonight.

Real friends help you move the bodies

I have my dad's truck, and I took today off to move stuff. Maggie came this morning and we started hauling. The first trip went surprisingly fast. Naturally, we got cocky and decided to move the queen-sized bed the next trip. We are two strong chicks! We did it, but not without me admitting that a call to Dormez Vous to buy a new one would have been easier, or as Maggie suggested - movers! We will not be doing that again any time soon. On the other hand, I now have someplace to sleep and I'm about one more truckload of crap away from having most of my junk at my new place. The old place looks ransacked, so it's time to clean up a bit. My back is starting to complain and I need a shower really badly. I had to stop because Maggie had to be somewhere and I needed to go and get Ben from school.
I've also discovered that I really like driving that truck around. It's a blast to be that high up and to go the the reno store and just throw your stuff in the back, none of this folding seat down crap! I am now thinking about what else I can pick up in the pickup - Ikea run anyone?

Ringing

On Friday, I was sitting at the restaurant with Adriana and I took off my wedding band and stuck it in my purse. It just felt like the right thing to do. I take my rings and watch off when I work, when I clean, when I write, when I shower. Lately my rings have gotten left in a drawer more often as I pack and work. I have still been wearing my wedding band to avoid questions and because technically I'm still married. I also didn't want to offend my husband. On the way out to the townships on Sunday I realised that he wasn't wearing his ring! I'd spent time feeling bad about hurting his feelings and I hadn't even realised that he wasn't wearing his ring. In many ways I think that's very telling. I'm always trying to not hurt people, always trying to shield and protect people from what I think will be bad things, but in the end it doesn't help anyone. I'm also a tad unobservant it seems. So I took off my ring, and I stuck it in my pocket and when I got home I put it in a drawer. Maybe I will get myself another ring some day, who knows, maybe I will want a symbol of belonging in another person's heart down the road. Right now my finger feels a bit too light and I guess it will for a while.

A change of subject

Good day in the townies. I was tired all day, but that had everything to do with the fact that I woke up at 3am and only started drifting back to sleep just as Nomi appeared by my bed with her plastic cookware making me squash and insisting that I eat it with an ice cream scoop. We drove out in my new car, everything is a-ok. The car drives beautifully. We had some lunch and dad gave the kids each a tool belt. The kids had been asking to build something the last time they were visiting. When I was little, one of my favorite activities was sitting down with one of my dad's hammers, some scraps of wood, and salvaged nails and building things. I started doing this when I was Nomi's age and it really hasn't ever stopped. My dad started letting me help with smaller projects when I was around Ben's age, and by the time I was 10 I was helping build garages and roofing. The ability to build something, no matter how crooked, is a powerful thing. It opens up a world of unlimited possibilities, it reinforces that we can create anything when we put some imagination and thought behind it. Today, my kids took a step towards that discovery and they were surprisingly good at it. I watched my dad coach the kids through how to hold a hammer and connect pieces of wood and watching them make mistakes, and letting them make mistakes, and I thought about how amazing a guy he is and how patient he was with me when he taught me all the things that I know. I'm sitting here writing this and crying now. I'm am so lucky to have had such a great dad. This seems to have become my early Father's day post. I love you Pop! You've given me more than you will ever know and more than I have time to list and I love you.

to sleep

I'm beat. I failed to sleep in (thanks kids) and wandered around the morning in a haze of packing and watching Naomi while Steve went to Ikea. When he returned, I loaded up my car and moved some stuff over - station wagon good! I made a couple of trips packing, loading, unpacking, and while I was at the new place took the plastic and tape off my appliances and plugged them in. My fridge will be capable of making ice cubes, and for some reason there were no ice cubes trays in the freezer. Don't they always give you a set?
I almost passed out on the sofa tonight before the kids went to bed. I grabbed a shower and am now getting ready to sleep.
Big day tomorrow. Heading out to the townies, birthday celebration, father's day celebration, and then I'm bringing back my dad's pickup so that I can move the big stuff. I'm still not sure who is going to help because I no longer have large brawny friends who will move you for beer. I really want to get the beds moved over this week so I can start getting settled.

Buffy the campfire slayer

I'm sitting watching Backyardigans with Naomi. It's an episode with classic movie monsters:
"Look Momma, he turned into a bat!"
"Who turned into a bat Nomi?"
"The campfire! He turned into a bat!"
"That's a vampire Nomi, not a campfire"
"Uh huh"

Thanks girls

Had a great night last night with the gals. Mexican, drinks, lots and lots of laughs. Guys come and go, but your gals are always there, and I couldn't think of a better way to ring in my 40th. I am blessed and surprised at the great, smart, talented gals I know. They have been my support system through this, listened to my crazy ideas, laughed at my dumb jokes, and sat with me when I cried.
Not only that, but they brought gifts! You rock ladies, I love you all!

40 with tequila

40 feels fine

The sun came out, I'm wearing a low-cut purple dress, and I'm feeling great!
Alcohol later, pictures to come. I am here world, come and get me!
Smooches!
the old lady

30s, nice to have known ya

Last day as a person in my thirties. My thirties were all about family: I met Steve just before I turned 30, got married, had kids, and settled into a household. I also established a career, leaving behind my contract business for a stable job at a good company. Wife, Mommy, Employee. These are roles that I have spent the last decade experiencing, loving, full of surprises and joys and disappointments. I don't regret a second of it. I've continued to grow and change throughout this time, adapting, learning things about myself, making new friends, falling out of touch with others always moving forward, not looking back too often, trying to live without what ifs.
I'm not sure what the forties will bring. They definitely will bring change - it's already happening. A new home, a new way of living. But this time, I am not entering this decade alone. I have a family: two beautiful children and a husband who I hope will continue to be a supporting friend forever. I have so much to be happy about and so many new goals for this decade. Raise two amazing children with Steve, continue to develop my job, travel, write, create, run, love, forgive, accept. Most important, just be me, love me, because I'm a pretty awesome old lady.
I am celebrating the end of my thirties by raising money for the Montreal Children's Hospital. I'm getting on a ridiculous-looking bike and getting in the game. I'm proud of me today, and I'm sure that I'll have even more to be proud of 10 years from now. Good luck me! Go get 'em!

wheh!

I have appliances, raised $1500 for the Children's (over 15000 by our team!), and bought a car. I'm tired......

Seeing red

I went to the mall tonight to look for a few things and I passed by one of those cosmetic kiosk things in the middle and saw something that made every part of my body react. Actually I heard it first. There was a man holding a baby girl who could not have been more than four months old and the woman at the kiosk was piercing her ears!
I see babies with pierced ears and it annoys the shit out of me, but I have never seen it in progress. I wanted to run over, grab the baby, smack the piercer, beat the father senseless with a chair and then pierce his tongue for good measure. What the fuck would you do that for? The baby was screaming, poor thing, I was nearly in tears I was so mad. This wasn't a cultural thing, unless you consider tacky Quebecois a culture. Let your kids decide if they want to pierce something when they are old enough to show poor judgment, imposing your taste on a little baby with no choice in the matter is cruel and you should be ashamed.

too funny!

You have to watch this! It's making my day...

http://www.snotr.com/video/2630

and then she bought a car.....

In light of everything that's going on, it seems like a really stupid thing to do right now, but yes, the sales guy came through and I bought the damn car. Now I am plagued with that post-purchase anxiety I get when I spend a lot of money. The car's not ready yet, a few things are being replaced (one of them being the catalytic converter - glad I'm not paying for that), but then it's signed over to me and I am back to being a person with car payments.
Still, let me take this opportunity to take off my adult attitude and do a little happy dance:
**I got a car! I got a car! Wheeeee! New thing, new thing!!! Can't wait to drive it around!!!**
Ok, much better - perhaps I will embrace my inner child for the rest of the evening and find some ice cream........

Is it just me, or is everyone suddenly going crazy about arugula? I swear it's in every other recipe I'm seeing these days…...

Rainy day

Nothing like a rainy day to lift your mood. Normally I love days like this, especially curled up on the sofa with a book and some nap-inducing golf on the tv, but today I'm feeling a bit of sunshine on my face would be appreciated. My phone is moved, but my Internet connection is not set up yet. I assembled all the wires and plugged it all in so it's ready when someone flips the switch.
I'm in negotiations for that car. I'm ready to walk away, and I think the salesguy knows that. Now we get to play that game of who could care less. I have my garage guy leaning on him too, so we'll see if he budges. I like negotiating, the acting, the sizing up of the other guy, making them do math in their heads and the jokes that go back and forth. It's all part of the game.
The pity party is dissipating, mostly thanks to a couple of good friends who always pull me out of the "woe is me" abyss. The lightness will reappear soon, until then I just have to fake it and remember that I'm in a good place.
Think positive price-reducing vibes for me!

and then there are days.....

Feeling sad today, a little pity party for one.....
I will get over this, put on my big girl panties, and get on with it, but right now I just feel like curling up into a little ball and having a cry.

A toaster and granola

Costco wasn't so bad for a Sunday afternoon. Got a toaster and cleaning stuff and odds and ends. I resisted the urge to get the new Jamie Oliver and the Martha Stewart cupcake book, although they both look good. I'm not on the Jamie Oliver bandwagon, I think he's smarmy really, but I agree with his general philosophy that meals should contain real food and that good food can be simple and isn't fancy or hard. I took a break from packing and made some vanilla almond granola for the week, I used peanut butter instead of almond butter and it smells fantastic! Naomi had some quiet time this afternoon, which means she was in her room singing and jumping all over the place. I tackled the dishes this afternoon and packed a bunch of tiny boxes with plates, bowls, and mugs and brought them over. I didn't bother wrapping them up. I ordered my Internet too, it will be set up in five days or so, then the place will be livable ;-)
I admit it, I can't live without the Internet, I'm addicted. Trying to stay in touch with people and the world without it has really become unfathomable. I've always hated talking on the phone, and online news is one of the best inventions ever. Honestly, how did I cope before? A couple of hours ago I realised that I scheduled my appliance delivery on the same day as my charity bike ride - big dummy. This is what happens when I don't write everything in my agenda. I have to find someone to sit at my place or reschedule, which I'd rather not do because I want my appliances.
In other news, I am trying to figure out what to do for my birthday. I don't want to be all pathetic and do nothing and feel sorry for myself....this is a big year. I should do something..... ideas people?

letter

Dear Phone Manufacturers,
Hi. I was shopping for a portable phone today, and I have something I'd like to explain to you. I realise that portable phone prices have dropped drastically in the last 10 years. They are cheaper to make now and the technology is better, so you no longer have to pay $100 for a handset and charger base. This does not mean that I now need to buy four handsets and a base, or six and multiple rechargers, or boosters, or a base with a built-in answering machine that also tells the time and makes waffles. Well, maybe the waffle bit, that would be useful.
Not everyone lives in a Mcmansion and requires ten phones. I only need one, I do not need a phone in every room, especially because portables were designed to solve this problem. I am free to roam, but it seems that I am not free to pay less than $100 for a phone, or now a phone system. I did find one, on a bottom shelf, under all the multiples, sitting there single, sad, and alone. Maybe some day I will need four phones, but until I take up juggling or sprout six extra ears, I doubt that will be necessary.
Sincerely,
Dina

At loose ends

It's weird packing up when not everything is leaving. First, there's no place to put packed boxes, so they have to go down to my car and over to the new place pretty much right away. Second, because I'm not moving all at once, there's some stuff that I can't pack right away. Until I can sleep over there and I have appliances, I can't bring essential things like cooking stuff and clothes I'm wearing. So I'm roaming the house putting stuff in boxes, but it's almost random and it doesn't feel like I'm getting anything accomplished. Next weekend I will borrow my dad's truck and see if I can get people to help me move the big stuff. The problem with not using movers when you get to this age is that everyone's busy or has a bad back. I need more brawny young friends.
The kids had a great time in Ottawa. They went to the experimental farms and Naomi was afraid of he "giant pigs", but loved the horses and calves. They didn't sleep much in the car on the way home, so there's some cranky this morning.
I'm off to Costco this morning to get my year's worth of toilet paper. Today is the Tour de l'Ile bike race, so traffic may be a bit bizarre today.

Appliance lady: 1 - Dina: a little bit broker

Went out as soon as Steve and the kids left for Ottawa to hunt for the elusive affordable appliances. I still had to get a fridge, a stove, and a dishwasher. The stove had to be new, that wasn't negotiable. For the amount of baking I do, I need something that's not going to give me a hassle. The oven had to have convection as well, which pretty much adds $500 on no matter what. Found a flat top, convection, with a warming area for under $1000, a standard fridge, and a cheapish dishwasher and now I have many interest-free payments to look forward to. The plus is that they are new, waranteed, and somebody else will deliver them to my door and haul them upstairs so I don't have to. They arrive Thursday, an early birthday present. After this was done, I went and test drove that Volkswagon. The guy gave me the keys and told me to get lost and take my time, so I drove out to the West Island, picked up Debbie, and drove out to Hudson and back. While I listened for noise and concentrated on the ride, Debbie flipped all the switches, tried the radio and air, and gave me her opinion on the passenger experience. Verdict? Nice ride, very stable car, comfy. There's a hum though that I'm not sure is regular VW engine noise or something else. I brought it back and the sales guy is going to have the mechanic look at it and get back to me. I'm talking to my guy at the garage to ask about general repair costs, because VWs aren't cheap to fix. The more I think about having a wagon though, the more sense it makes. All the things you have to haul around with kids and stuff would be so much easier if I didn't have to borrow someone else's car all the time.
Still, if it doesn't work out with this car then it simply was not meant to be, I haven't fallen in love with it or anything.

Zen and the clean kitchen

I took the day off and tried unsuccessfully not to check in to the office. After this I headed over to the new place to clean the kitchen. Like most older NDG kitchens, the cupboards go all the way up, which means that to clean the top shelves you need some help of the aluminum step ladder variety. The place is really clean, but why not go crazy when you have the chance and the place is empty? Cleaning is kind of like meditation for me - I love the accomplishment and the way it blanks out my mind. As I wiped down all the shelves I decided on where to place things, dishes, tools, food, glasses, spices, books, teapots, machines. The space is ready for me to start moving things now. Of course I still need a fridge, stove, and dishwasher. The hunt for those begins tomorrow morning. Being able to picture all of my things in the kitchen made it feel like home. I can't wait to cook a meal there.
I took my car to the garage today for a tune and told the guys that I was looking for a newer car. Since we got the Subaru stationwagon we've used that for the two-hour drives out to the townships or Ottawa. Now, well, I love my Corolla, but she's 13 and while she's perfect for short city hops, long drives at over 100km/hr are getting to be a bit shaky and with the kids in the car, I'm a little anxious. Plus, well, this winter I may not have access to someone to push me out of the snowbank when my car just spins. I told the guys what I was looking for and they said that they might have something I'd like - a Volks Jetta wagon, 5 years old, really low mileage and pretty clean. I'm going to take it for a test tomorrow to see if I like it and how negotiable the price is.

Call the Vatican!

Holy crap! Not only did I get my license in two days, but the picture ain't half bad despite the 80s hair.....

Moments of joy today:

• Standing in the park in the sunshine waiting for my son to get out of school and feeling the soft cool breeze blowing on my face.
• Watching my son's face light up when he saw me waiting for him outside the school door.
• Watching my daughter dance around the livingroom like a princess wearing my wedding veil.

Some days the world slows down and you experience these gifts and realise your universe is right.

meetings and 'sparagus

Finally a couple of nice bright days in a row! This non-stop meeting morning was not as bad as I thought it would be, but I was starved by the time noon came around. Had lunch with Maggie at our Indian place, ah I have missed their food and their chai tea! Some more work, and then picked up Ben and brought him home for ABA and then Naomi, grocery store, then to the kitchen!
Tonight it was bow tie pasta with asparagus, ricotta, spinach, arugula, and parmesan - delicious and fast.
I'm taking the day off work tomorrow (well, trying to anyway), finally taking the car in to the garage, and getting more things organized.
I packed a box last night! I'm not packing too much at once because I want to take things over and unpack them so I know when to stop bringing things over and start chucking, selling, or storing. I need to let go of a lot of stuff that's just not important, or needed, or used.

B is for box, C is for cookie

Today was another slow day. My early morning meeting was postponed until tomorrow (this has happened more than once, but this time there was a very good reason), and I finished some stuff much more quickly this morning than I'd anticipated. Tomorrow I am double-booked all day: a meeting from 8-10, a meeting from 9-12, lunch with Maggie and then I have a meeting I'm going to miss in the afternoon because I have another commitment. I had a great lunch with Irene today. She's one of my heroes. She followed her passions and is an amazing photographer and has created a career for herself around the things that she loves. She is proof that when you are meant to do something, all you need is that love of the work, faith in yourself, and some common sense and anything is possible. She will also give me great deals on her work which is awesome because I will need some art for the new place.
I got home, ate spaghetti, cleaned up, and made cookies!



While I was making cookies I also packed a box of kitchen stuff and got a lot of my tools organized. It's a start :-)

I'm riding that ridiculous bike....give me money

Howdy!

June 11, I will be participating in Pedal for Kids, a major fundraiser for The Montreal Children's Hospital Foundation. Over the years, Pedal for Kids has become one of the Foundation's flagship events. Extraordinary sums are raised year after year, which in turn have contributed in a very significant way to the level of care that the Hospital is able to give to all its young patients.

The needs of sick children are growing. The Children's needs our help more than ever. Thank you for supporting me in my efforts by making a donation. Every dollar counts. You can make a difference.
To sponsor me please visit:
http://www.pedalez.com/e/partpages.asp?id=1370


The MCH has been an amazing resource for us. We cannot thank the team at the autism clinic enough for everything they've done for Ben.

Thanks!
Dina

Things I shouldn't admit, part 1

I can't remember which dvds are mine, or how much I paid for the appliances, but I can easily identify my wooden spoons and knives and even tell you where I bought them....the kitchen will be the easiest to sort out.....

Not worth

Today I got a better idea of what I'm not worth and yet how much stuff still has to be divided and potentially paid for. I hate money, I hate dealing with money, talking about money, investments, taxes, and about anything else having to do with the almighty moolah. The only thing that my parents have really ever fought over is money, so I've always made it my mission to avoid having to argue about anything concerning cash in my relationships. Luckily, I don't have any money, so this has been relatively easy.
But now we have to put everything under a microscope and figure out our debt and assets. I don't want to do it, but I have to, the courts demand this. Part of me wants to run screaming from that little round table I sat at today, shouting "just want to be free! we don't have enough to even split!", but that wouldn't be adult and mature under the circumstances. I'm guessing I have to keep up the pretense of being both of these things for a little while.
I need to throw together a cookie dough tonight so that it can sit in the fridge for a day. I have a bake sale at work Thursday and what else says bake sale little cc cookies? Ok, a lot of stuff, but I'm going with choc chips.......
I other news, Cafe 92 has now expanded into the empty shop next door! Hurrah!!!

What I would like from today:

Understanding, patience, love, cooperation, friendship, agreement.
I think this is very attainable.

Victory against the government agencies and utilities and a salad!

It was not a productive work day, but it was a good day to conquer hold lines and waiting lines for personal stuff.
I battled the Hydro Quebec phone lines and despite not having all the obscure info they asked for, I managed to come out victorious. When I have tons to do, I seem to be able organize myself with military precision. I only had a few tasks today, and after the marathon rush of the last month, I found myself wasting most of the day talking and surfing the Internet for appliances. I left work and went to the SAAQ to get the picture for my driver's license and medicare card. I went in and took a number - 633. They were at 528.....miraculously, an hour later I was smiling for my typical crappy picture (I had wild hair today). I think that they design special cameras and fix the lighting so that no one can possibly look good. Claudia Schiffer would look like a yeti under these conditions, what chance do us severely normal people have? Hamburgers were on teh menu tonight which I was completely uninvolved in besides stopping by the store to get the ground beef. I did make a nice salad with grapefruit, and my special vinaigrette. No pictures tonight, it disappeared too fast.

Tomorrow is mediation day - everybody say yeah!

Call Rogers, hardware store, coffee, and mac & cheese

This was stuff on my list that I accomplished today. Calling Rogers was by far the longest and most frustrating. I had to change my account and I ended up having to speak to the manager who finally got on the line, and sorted out the problems. I hate dealing with large utilities, I've made it my mission in life to annoy them in my own small ways. Tomorrow I must tackle Hydro-Quebec, my arch nemesis.
After I got off the call that would never end, I wandered over to the hardware store, where, like my father, I could easily spend an entire afternoon and come out with only a small packet of washers. I managed to get it down to 30 minutes and a packet of washers, and a head full of decorating ideas. Next stop was dropping by Adriana's for the coveted special industrial floor wax, coffee, snickerdoodles, yoga talk, girl talk, and ended with me sitting on the kitchen floor watching her wax her legs. I know that guys don't do this kind of thing, but when girls hang, we always end up refurbishing or trying on each other's clothes, it's just what we do.... I actually would be very amused if guys did this - "dude, you have to try this new shaving cream I got, come to the bathroom!"
After Adriana, it was the stop at the coffee place downtown where the local coffee geek now knows I own the fabulous Technivorm and grinds up my beans special, then I hooked up my washer and made sure that nothing leaked before I threw together the mac & cheese with cauliflower that I'd been planning all day. Nothing says, "this grey weather is getting to me" like creamy cheesy goodness. And I have lunches for a few days-bonus!

I promise I will try to be a bit more interesting soon, ok, maybe not interesting, but at least mildly un-boring. I have so much in my head right now that has to come out, but it must wait for now.

close fit and snickerdoodles

I bought a used washer and dryer today and I paid almost as much to have them picked up and delivered as I paid for the appliances, but I can honestly say it was worth it. First, they drove all the way out to Ile Perrot to get them, then they had to tackle an NDG house. They made basement doors really small way back, I guess they never figured that people would invent massive square metal boxes to wash their clothes. I got very standard ones, and the guys had to take the doors off, remove the latch, then take the washer and dryer apart to remove the sticking out bits. I have to get some new washers for the hoses before I set them up but - I can do laundry - woo woo!
I got home, and after some park time, then supper time, then bed time, it was snickerdoodle time! I've been wanting to make some for over a week! I love this simple cookie and it's one of the few that Ben eats.

Going granola

Time to get back to blogging and back to the kitchen!
It's been a CRAZY couple of months - work, business trip, some other stuff that is changing my life significantly, and it's going to stay crazy. As some of you know, when the going gets tough, Dina goes .... to the kitchen! Yup! I am surfing for new recipes, opening my cookbooks, and getting set to litter the counters with appliances and dirty bowls.
While I was in Sweden I had a room with a kitchenette so that I could buy some food and make breakfasts and some meals. I can't eat at restaurants all the time, especially not when I just want to grab something quick and get into the office or out sightseeing. There were two grocery stores in the mall downstairs, so I was able to wander the aisles, looking at all the products. Oops, I'm getting distracted, I'll talk about my love of grocery stores later, back to the topic. At the grocery store I bought a big box of granola and some yogurt and I ate that for breakfast every morning. Their yogurt is delicious! It's not as sweet as ours and thicker and obviously not the ultra 0% variety. When I was in Amsterdam and Breda in Holland, breakfasts were included with the room and in both places there were multiple granola and fruit and yogurt choices, all equally delicious.
Then I got home.
I went out and bought some granola and some yogurt, and the granola was, well, disappointing and expensive! What to do? Go to the Internet of course! I found a recipe on one of my fav sites, went back to the grocery store, and a few days later when I had some time - voila!

Yummy granola, and lots of it! Twice what was in this jar (I stored the rest in a ziploc bag). I used walnuts, coconut, dried mango, apricot, raisins, and cranberries. Cheap, easy, and a million times better than the store-bought stuff.
Next step - making yogurt..... I can't wait!

ben dancing

ben dancing
Originally uploaded by dina the m and o

Ben stole the finale of the school play shaking those hips! I take no credit whatsoever, his shadow, Ms Collette taught him how to boogy down.

Last day

I haven't written anything on the blog yet about Sweden, primarily because I've been too busy working and out enjoying this country to have time to blog about it. I have lots of notes, so really it will all be said eventually.
I fly out this afternoon and I know that I will miss being here. I arrived at one of the most beautiful times of year and the weather was great and the people were amazing and I floated on that high for two weeks despite the monumental work load. I'm looking forward to two days of doing nothing before I have to head down to Breda for two days of meetings.
Thank you Stockholm for showing me your absolute best side on my trip to you. It will be something I carry with me forever.

He scores!

He scores!
Originally uploaded by avidreader514

My son the bowler. God I miss him!

Word of the day: Umheimlich

Umheimlich is a Freudian concept of an instance where something can be familiar, yet foreign at the same time, resulting in a feeling of it being uncomfortably strange.

Because the uncanny is familiar, yet strange, it often creates cognitive dissonance within the experiencing subject due to the paradoxical nature of being attracted to, yet repulsed by an object at the same time. This cognitive dissonance often leads to an outright rejection of the object, as one would rather reject than rationalize.

You ever feel like this?

Easter

The good today:
Watching the kids hunt for eggs and Naomi jumping up and down when she found one.
Naomi making two bunnies dance together.
Ben playing with the toys the Easter bunny brought and getting so excited about his new clothes, and making a great card for my dad.
Both kids singing happy birthday to my dad and helping to blow out the candles.
Ben being such a good sport even though he was sick.
My folks having such a good time with the kids today, and kick-ass ham.

denial? anyone?

a sketch of better things to come

I picked up Ben from school and he was thrilled. It was drizzling, and while he was waiting by the car for me to unlock his door, he drew a smiley face on the passenger window and he pointed it out to me proudly. I never imagined when I was told that he was autistic that we'd ever get to this stage, an unprompted doodle clearly identified - a face that is smiling at me in the glass and the smile of the artist himself, it was a wonderful moment. He is doing so well and I am so damn proud of that kid.

thought for the day

Some people are just your rice krispy treats.

why

does this have to be so damn hard?

It's time

to call it a day........

Why? What was the point?

Back to square one......

Looking for space...

Why isn't this working?

there's a fork in the road.....

Gravity: The mutual attraction of one body to another across a distance.

I was listening to CBC Ideas tonight and David Abrahm was talking about how we are so caught up in science that we have stopped trusting our senses. I didn't agree with everything he said (particularly about language or Husserl), but I did agree when he said that we don't tend to notice the wonders of our world, including things like gravity. He thinks that a lot of modern technology is the cause of this, but that's something that's been going on for so long that I think we would have eradicated all wonder by now if it were true. Honestly, do you think that everyone would stand in wonder of a rock, or the ocean, or the wind if they didn't have a cell phone? I simply think that there are people who wonder and people who do not and there are people who spend most of their time in wonder only occasionally because life has a way of distracting you. I also think that there is as much to wonder about in science as we find in the senses, and that most scientists would agree. In fact, maybe most of what he said was baloney now that I think of it. It's way too pessimistic.
I have never stopped seeing the wonders, they awe and astound me every day, they fill my head with amazement that we are here and able to take it all in. It's one of the things that I love about my kids, that they sometimes stop running and I know that they are sensing one of the miracles of the world and processing it, feeling it. I don't think that we ever lose that once we discover it, it's only a matter of taking a moment to reconnect with it.

How do I explain to my screaming daughter that she has to wear tights when I myself hate them with a fiery passion?

Sleep would be nice.......

To some of the ladies who share the washroom on my floor

If you insist on doing the standing mambo while you pee, please wipe the seat.
Don't be disgusting, or if you do, just use the men's room.
Thanks.

The weight returns.........

Adventures in dumbness

Locked my keys in the car with the motor running. That takes a special kind of "special".....
An hour later the CAA guy showed up and popped the door open in about 1 minute. Luckily, gas is cheap today.

Adventures in girly-girl land: let me nibble your toes

So, on my quest for refurbishment this year, it is now time to focus on my feet with a lovely pedicure. I had my first professional pedicure a couple of years ago with my friend Libby in Vancouver (I know! what took me so long? Not much of a girly girl). I've been getting by with my own half-assed attempts, but when Maggie started asking, how could I say no? Once again, I called up my girly connection Adriana. She told me about this little place called Tami on Duluth. The next week they were in the newspaper because they do the fish pedicures. For someone who is not a girly girl, I DID know about fish pedicures, and am now surprised that so many people don't. Really people, I am normally the last one to find these things out, keep up! The fish in question are these little carp that eat the dead skin off your feet. It's ok, they don't have teeth. I thought this was bizarre, but I'm up for most bizarre stuff. It took us a while to get organized, but Maggie eventually booked us an early morning appointment on a Saturday and off we went with our other friend Lysanne.

We arrived bright and early and were the first meal of the day. They have two tanks that can take two people each. We were three, so Maggie and Lysanne shared one and I got one to myself (mainly because I was taking pictures for posterity). Maggie was first and she didn't scream, Lysanne had a moment where we thought she might bolt, but she held it together.

After watching them, I was eager to try. Maggie described it best, it's like sticking your feet in club soda, bubbly. I don't have ticklish feet, but Maggie assured me that even sensitive feet are immune from tickles. We were submerged almost to our knees and the fish were also nibbling at our legs. I thought it felt great!

I splayed my toes and they got in between, they nibbled away at my cuticles and heels, everywhere.

The only drawback to sharing a tank apparently is that whoever has more to eat gets more attention. There was some fish sharing that had to be performed between Maggie and Lysanne. I stayed in longest and my feet are still amazingly soft and smooth. We finished the experience with fresh polish, I got some great purple toes. Then it was off for lattes at Myriade and pad thai at a nearby favorite. Another great girly experience!

Ben skates!

Ben skates!
Originally uploaded by dina the m and o

Ben did great skating on Dow Lake in Ottawa. Look at him go!

Shit! Sorry James! Happy birthday!

"... ah yes I know them well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes."
- Molly's soliloquy

Adventures in girly-girl land: some good conversation and a place to park your plane

I went for for first ever waxing appointment last week. I'm not a huge girly girl, so I've managed to avoid a lot of things that involved estheticians. This year, I 'm giving these things a shot. Let's face it, I'm 40 this year and a general refurbishment is probably due. I'm wrinkly, saggy, hairy, and not getting any prettier. This is not a desperate attempt to regain my youth, it's more a reality check and a “this is the best it's gonna get chickie, better appreciate whatcha got”. I know as well as anyone that I'm a pretty good lookin' almost 40, but I can't compete with the young 'uns anymore.

So I call up my friend, Adriana, the bank of all info I need to be hip and cool and smooth and girly. She gave me the number of her lady and on Wednesday, in the midst of a deadline and a snowstorm, off I trudged to have the hair ripped off my legs and bikini area. The lady is question is a middle-aged Romanian who came to Canada 30 years ago and never looked back. It's her business and she's proud of it and you can tell she loves her work. I walked in and told her my name and she said, “I know”. I knew I was going to like her right away. I awkwardly explained that I was a waxing virgin and had no idea what to expect. She looked at me a little annoyed and explained that she would be removing the hair from my legs and bikini. Well, I knew that! She looked up from her appointment book suddenly and asked, “do you want a Brazillian?” I've watched Sex and the City so I knew what she meant. “Oh no!”, I stammered, “just a regular one!”

“Oh thank God”, she said, “I don't think you're ready for that”. I think she was right.

I followed her to her waxing area, a couple of repurposed electric fondue pots simmering with green wax and a reclining chair with a comfy stool in front of it. My pants came off and I got comfy in the chair and she started doing what she does, starting with the bikini area. Keeping in mind that I am new to this, I watched as she took more and more off. More than I have ever shaved. I now have what is called a “landing strip”. She worked very diligently to get the sides even, and even implied that she could have taken more off. I'm thinking that I'd like to keep it as is at least. We will have to have a discussion the next time about shapes and such.

Next came the legs. I'm not particularly hairy, so the legs went pretty fast. She told me that a few more visits before the summer will probably have me nearly hair-free for the summer. I have thin hair, she knows these things.

During all the waxing and ripping, we talked about books and politics. When she started a sentence with, “I was reading last week in The Economist”, I knew why Adriana loves this woman so much. She made me promise not to shave and to come back in five weeks. She refused to take a tip because she's the owner, which may force me to bake for next time. I may like this girly girl thing!

Gonna miss you dude....

"In walks these three girls in nothing but bathing suits. I'm in the third check-out slot, with my back to the door, so I don't see them until they're over by the bread. The one that caught my eye first was the one in the plaid green two-piece. She was a chunky kid, with a good tan and a sweet broad soft-looking can with those two crescents of white just under it, where the sun never seems to hit, at the top of the backs of her legs. I stood there with my hand on a box of HiHo crackers trying to remember if I rang it up or not. I ring it up again and the customer starts giving me hell. She's one of these cash-register-watchers, a witch about fifty with rouge on her cheekbones and no eyebrows, and I know it made her day to trip me up. She'd been watching cash registers forty years and probably never seen a mistake before."
John Updike - "A&P"

Random thought

If wishes were fishes, I'd have a freakin' city aquarium right now.

MmmmmmMyriade!

After reading about it in the local paper and hearing about it from a few friends, I finally got a chance to check out Cafe Myriade for myself. Wow! Tiny place tucked in next to Concordia. I went with fellow coffee lover, Roberta, this morning before the crowds. We had the place mostly to ourselves, and we were able to have a lovely and informative talk with co-owner, Anthony. Not only can he make a perfect latte, he can also impart his extensive knowledge on coffees and teas in a very open and friendly manner. You get excellent coffee, you get it without pretension, a perfect combination.

I started with a latte, lovely, excellent temp, and beautifully presented. Then Roberta and I shared a pot of Ethiopian Yergacheffe. We were so impressed that we each bought some beans to take home. One more latte and we were wired and ready to go home to lunch just as the rest of the city was walking in for their fix.
I will be returning very soon :-)

Text addict

If you were to tell me a couple of years ago that I would become addicted to texting from my phone, I would say that you were crazy. Why would I text from my phone? Hitting the keys multiple times to get the right letters, each word taking forever to spell out, those annoying abbreviations and shortenings and using numbers for sounds (l8er, or is that l8r?), how is that writing? And yet, here I sit two years l8er staring at my cell phone bill and realising that I have been charged an extra $24 in texting fees. This is also why I am on hold with my provider to extend my text plan so this doesn't happen again. Messaging has become so common place and natural to me that it has extended to my phone. My friends have also become bitten by the texting bug and text me, I text them back, the cycle repeats over and over. Why call them when you can write? Why bother them when you know that their phone can buzz and they can choose to read and respond or not depending on their day, as opposed to having to immediately answer an insistent ring? What is it about texting that is more appealing? Whatever it is, it is now costing me $4 extra per month.

epiphany

"A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead."
- James Joyce, The Dead

Resolutions - or, could you be *more* self-involved?

Ok, the last time I posted resolutions here I didn't end up keeping them and they were fairly simple – learn to juggle and write my friends each a letter over the year. I felt pretty pathetic about it come the end of the year, how lazy can you get? This year I'm not promising to master anything involving hand-eye coordination or anything involving my friends.
This year, I am going to try to be happy. Seems like a very simple thing, and yet sometimes, well, it might as well be learning to juggle. I've been doing a lot of thinking about transitioning and what I would have to change about my life to be happier, but it seems the easier course is to just decide to be happy from moment to moment and make decisions that make those moments happy, if that makes any sense. Perhaps it's selfish.
Last year brought a lot of revelations: life is short and beautiful and should be taken advantage of and savoured. I also feel as though I returned to a place where I can feel the possibilities in my life and the endless potential that is waiting inside me, jumping up and down, eager to run. Perhaps I will do something with it, perhaps not, but I will embrace it this year instead of pushing it down with self doubt and negative thought.
I know that I should say something like, “this year is about family”, or “this year is about making the world a better place”, but I can't. This year is about me, and figuring out what I want. If I manage to save the world too, that's just a happy side effect :-)

And so that was Christmas

My Christmas in a bullet list:

• Ate too many cookies.
  
• Am running slower than before Christmas. But I'm running, so that's something.
  
• Got new running shoes, they rock! And a gc for lululemon - gateway to pants that promise to make my butt look divine!
  
• Kids got too much stuff, I blame the grandparents.
  
• Everyone crowded into our tiny place and ate and drank and were generally merry.
  
• The kids were amazing when they weren't too tired or hopped up on sugar.
  
• Four of our five houseguests got sick after they left. I blame the children.
  
• Managed to enjoy some eggnog/fireplace time.
  
• Weather lovely and mild, although this made it icy as well.
  
• Baking almost all gone, will have to make sure it's gone by the end of the week.
  
• Made soup.
  
• Made a couple of great salads. In-laws found them "interesting".
  
• House still a disaster area. Must get things organized!
  
• Dad got pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. He'll be ok, but it's still scary.
  
• Didn't manage to get to see everyone over the holiday, but there's still a few more days!
  

I'm not biting

So I finally finished the first two teen vampire books by Stephanie Meyer. I wanted to know what the fuss was about. I hadn't even heard of the books until just before the last one came out and then the movie was released, so I already felt a bit under the rock on this one. How could I have missed this big teen girl cult following? Well, after reading two of these I can say, they're no Harry Potter.
The books are incredibly disappointing. They have all the components that make them so appealing, but they are so poorly put together that you just sit there thinking, “this could have been so good”. My biggest beef is that they clearly lacked a competent editor to help the author pare down the repetition, build the plot and fix the huge holes, and create a story that isn't a bunch of jagged scenes thrown together within a binding.
I realise that a few of my friends loved these books as-is, and that's fine. I understand the appeal, I've admitted that all the key ingredients are there: sullen troubled incredibly beautiful man, super powers, protective, impossibility of their love, the protestations, the revelations, the plain girl who is the object of total love for this god-like man, it's female bait, a checklist of it. In fact, you can almost hear the author checking them off one by one as the story goes on – and then repeating the list over and over until you just want to say, “enough! we get it!”. When you finish you want to scrub your brain with something really good and apologize for making it sit through it.
I'm amazed that these managed to get picked up by a publisher and sent out to print in this condition. On the other hand, if something like this can get published and make the author a very happy rich lady, surely there is hope for other bad writing to make it big out in the world, perhaps even mine some day ;-)

Don't know where she gets it

Getting ready for work/daycare/school earlier this week. Kids are dressed and playing in the living room, Steve is cleaning off cars, I am sitting at the table eating cereal. I hear a child come running down the hallway. It's Naomi, starkers except for a fake pearl necklace. She walks in casually, does a small turn, gives me a smile and runs down the hallway again. We have so much to look forward to........

dough, dough, dough

Got four cookie doughs in the fridge ready for tomorrow. Spice, cinnamon sugar, and two types of gingerbread. I also have a batch of ginger bens done. Stephie's coming over tomorrow for some baking which is great because we haven't seen her since the end of October. One of the things I love about Steph is trading crazy parent stories, between the two of us we have a truckload. She's also a crazy artist, so her view of life is nicely skewed. When we were first looking for a shadow for Ben, I put an ad on the university sites for a cheap student, hoping to find someone in psych who was interested in autism. We found Steph instead, an art education student, older than most of her class, from St Catharines so her French was so bad that she was looking for an anglo job that didn't involve telemarketing. What we ended up discovering was a perfect match for Ben in so many ways, she truly understands so many of Ben's quirks and sensitivities. A kindred spirit. Even after she left, we've continued to be good friends and she's still incredibly attached to Ben. In fact, everyone near Ben forms a strong attachment to him, it's part of his charm. His ability to become part of your heart so quickly has made finding people to work with him, and even go out of their way to help us, so easy. He's learned the first rule of people, and while I'd like to teach him not to abuse it, it has served him well.

Why my husband does not want me to write the Christmas letter

Hi Everyone,
What a year! Actually, that's a cliched way to start a yearly letter, you'd think that I could do better than that, but the fact is I can't really remember what kind of year it's been. As most of you know, I have the memory of a gnat, so when I look back at the year I remember very little. In fact, the only things sticking out at the moment are the following:

• We got bedbugs from our downstairs neighbour and it was a pain in the butt.
  
• The kids have been particularly challenging, the girl especially. It's really a miracle that she's still alive.
  
• My workload has increased exponentially without financial compensation.
  
• My house is such a disaster that I've considered throwing out everything I own and starting over.
  
• I think I've needed a nap since June.....
  
• Wait! Ben started kindergarten! That's a good one. He now has more ped days than I have vacation days.
  
• Steve is still alive. Our friends and family continue to be awed over how he copes with me.
  
• The cat who pees on everything is still alive, although honestly I can't say why. This year has been non-stop sniff and launder....
  
• Christmas is in two weeks and I have done no shopping, baking, cleaning, crafting, decorating, or party scheduling, and part of me doesn't really care.
  

Hope you all spend the holidays drunk and happy,
dina

To the person microwaving popcorn at 10:30am

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously dude, don't you have a lunch? Save the waves of fake buttery smell wafting through my office until the afternoon when I can stomach it.....

An instructional recap

I originally posted this 4 years ago, but it's obviously time for a refresher.....

How to use an elevator:

When you arrive at the elevator, decide if you would like to go up or down and press the appropriate button ONCE. Frantically pressing the button every 1/2 second upsets the elevator god.

When the elevator arrives, stand back from the doors and give the people in the elevator a chance to get out. Barging into the elevator and pressing your floor number before people can get out will result in a thrashing.

When you get out of the elevator, keep going. I know that you think that you are very important and that the people behind you are either capable of walking through solid matter or, in fact, not even there, but some of us cannot walk through incredibly dense material. Be understanding.

When you see someone coming towards the elevator as the doors are about to close, OPEN the door. Do not pretend that you are pushing the open door button and shrug your shoulders.

freakin' nitwits

Adventures in momming

There's nothing like walking into the bathroom, stepping into a puddle of urine, and having no idea which child it came from.......

The Supermom conundrum

For the past two days I have been in charge of getting the kids ready in the morning and dropping them off and picking them up at daycare/school. It's actually gone a bit better than I expected. What I expected was quite a bit more screaming, which is what I normally hear. It seems that the novelty of having mommy do it and my ability to put on boots and coats in front of the tv has kept the hollering in check. Everyone at the daycare and the school seemed surprised to see me. I suppose I could feel guilty about never doing it, but I choose not to. I work outside the house by choice, and that means that the roles are reversed in my house a bit. I still do many tasks that are traditionally “women's work”, but childcare is something that mostly gets done by my husband. He shuttles the children, he takes them to doctor's appointments, he arranges haircuts, and shops for birthday parties. Part of me does feel bad about sometimes being disconnected from the majority of their out-of-the-house activities, but staying at home and working like he does just doesn't work for me, and frankly spending that much time struggling with the kids would kill me.
The whole supermom concept is so daunting. We feel guilty if we want to do less than everything perfectly. I think that I still try to do too much, but the only reason I can try is because I have the support of my spouse who does his share. Of course perfection is impossible, and we all realise that, but there's that desire to try and get everything right. Just remember when you're up making those cupcakes at midnight that there are loads of women in your boat, surrounded by laundry and dirty dishes and screaming children all trying to be perfect and keeping up that pretense, which is why we never invite each other over for coffee.

Books!

Once again, the online bookstores were calling to me. This time, it was initially for Gaston Bachelard's The Poetics of Space. I first heard the term "desire paths" about a year ago and since then I have been interested reading this work. It includes a foreword by John Stilgoe, whose own work on the American landscape is pretty interesting.
Next is a flyer called Simplexity: Why Simple Things Become Complex (and How Complex Things Can Be Made Simpler), by Times editor Jeff Kluger. It showed up in a 'you might like this list', and looked like something I could read.
The last is a book that I heard about ages ago, but didn't pick up, Hot Sour Salty Sweet: a culinary journey through southeast asia, by Jeffrey Alford and Naomi Duguid. This book is full of gorgeous pictures and recipes, including a glossary of flavourings and a glossary of ingredients.
Now, if I can just resist the temptation of reading them before my exam.....sigh.....

Testing, testing.....

So, studying for the EAC exam, final week, final push to try to pack enough information into my brain to finish this time. Like all exams, it's frustrating how little can be learned from the writer other than whether they know how to take an exam. There's a formula: you take the practice exams, you figure out what the examiners are looking for, and you deliver it correctly in the allotted time and you pass. Exams never test you on the inherent knowledge required to make intelligent decisions, learn new material, make new rules, apply your mind to changing requirements and being inventive. Those are the true tests that we should be able to pass in life, intelligence, adaptability, good management and decision making skills. Sadly, it always comes down to showing people that you can think exactly like them.

For Emru

My friend's brother died last night. He had leukemia. His sister, Tamu, and all of his family and friends rallied around him to find him a transplant, but the disease continued on despite the success.
Things like this make me reflect on my life obviously, and this is what I think, please listen:

Love the good things in your life, love your family and friends, love the strangers who pass by you on the street, love the guy who cut you off in traffic this morning, love the jerky boss who made you work late, love your fat thighs, love your dirty house, love the people who bring you joy and the ones who bring you pain, love the laughter, love the sadness, love the obstacles and the terrible things that happen, love the sweet smell of a crisp morning and the smell of a truck stop washroom, love the experiences that have brought you to where you are, good and bad, LOVE IT ALL because you are alive to experience it and life is too short to waste not loving everything about it. With every deep breath you take realise how lucky you are to feel, to be, to continue to exist and interact with the world.
We are so lucky you and I.......
And do something good today, get yourself on a bone marrow donor list and save a life.

Picnic table wisdom

At the park across the street there are two sentences scrawled on a picnic table, the first one says, “I want him so bad, I wish I could kiss him”, the second says, “so kiss me”. I find this amusing in so many ways. The eternal question, do we or don't we?
Looking back over my years of men, I've discovered that although I've been pursued, I've never really been pursued by men I've wanted. On the contrary, I've almost always initiated relationships with men I've wanted. On some occasions I just walked up and kissed them. You'd be amazed at the impression you make by just honestly stating what you want. In fact, talking to many women, I wasn't surprised to learn that many of us choose our men. The men in question weren't disinterested or playing hard to get, they simply didn't have a clue that the women were interested in them. Some women had tried a more subtle approach before just being blunt, others have schemed a bit more to make their men think that they made the first move. I guess that some women would have trouble making the first move, but it depends on the type of man you're looking for. I have always been happier with men who appreciated that I am a strong woman who knows what I want.
When did I learn that I should just jump in and expose my desires and just hope for the best? It has to be one of the scariest things, exposing your heart to someone who could dash it in an instant. In the end it comes down to the choice between a few moments of embarrassment and a lifetime of regret. For me, there's no choice there at all.

adventures in traffic

To the woman in the silver Golf this morning:
Lady, you can have that turn signal on until the end of time, but if you don't move your car into the traffic, you are never gonna merge. Were you waiting for an invitation?

On music

We went to see the MSO today, part of a children's concert series. Both of the children enjoy classical music so we thought that this would be a nice way to expose them.
It's cliché to go on about the magic of music. I understand the physics involved: a wave disturbing the air, the vibrations picked up by our ear drums which convert them into the sensation of sound. But that doesn't begin to describe it. I am not a musician, and therefore can only describe it from a listener's perspective.
The visceral tug on your soul as the notes align and and the frequencies and waves move out from the instruments and musicians and penetrate and flow through your body and the bodies of the rest of the audience. Everyone experiencing the sensual joy of the sound passing through them, no two people absorbing the music in the same way and yet all enraptured by its being, by its creation from silence. It's ability to invoke so much joy and sorrow and life, falling into the harmony and dissolving into the vibrations which run through your body in waves of sensual experience.
It allows me to feel awe, to rejoice and wonder at how amazing we are and how incredibly marvelous it all is, and it often makes me cry. I catch my breath and let my body flow along the notes, the chords, the fingers and breath that give the music life. The intimacy that is shared so joyfully, fully, completely between strangers.

Just one piece left

I made an apple cake for fika this week to share with my colleagues. I used this recipe from Smitten Kitchen, one of my favorite food blogs. It's apparently mom's recipe, so I had quite a bit of faith in it. It said to cook it for 90 minutes, but at 75 it was well on its way to being over baked, so I would start checking it after 60. It filled the bundt pan used, and was moist. I might step up the batter a bit, it felt a little bland, maybe mix half the apple mixture into the batter and layer the rest.

At the end of the fika, there was only one little piece left that I brought home for Steve. A resounding success, but I found a few more similar recipes, so I'll have to play around a bit, you know me ;-)

My body

Perhaps in the spirit of getting back into the blog thing I should tell the one or two people who still wander through what's been going on for the past couple of years. We'll start with my body.
When Naomi turned one and I returned to work I was over 190lbs and pretty down about it. Now, I've never been skinny, but having kids and staying home for a year with each had really taken its toll. I was in nasty shape and fat as a house. A couple of months before, I got back in touch with my old friend Deb. We had lost touch when she and her boyfriend split. We invited her over for dinner one night, and when I opened the door to let her in, I took one look and said, "Cripe Deb, where did the rest of you go?". She had easily lost 30lbs and looked fab. She told me that she followed Weight Watchers. I remembered doing WW in my early twenties with a bunch of my friends and losing 10lbs. I also remembered how hard it was to keep track of the breads, milks, etc. After being reassured that it was not like this anymore, I signed up online for a trial free membership, downloaded all the info I needed to do it on my own, then cancelled and off I went. So that was two years ago. Since then, I've lost more than 50lbs and am down to a healthy weight.

I don't follow WW, but I eat reasonably and I continue to eat the normal, healthy food I have always eaten. Last year I returned to the gym and now I have a routine of 4 or 5 days a week. I started running, which now feels amazing because my knees don't hurt and I no longer feel winded. In short, I'm happier with my body than I've been in 10 years. My goal over the winter is to work with a personal trainer on my upper body and train for 10k.
I think my success is in part to do with the fact that I wasn't in a hurry and I never obsessed about the scale. When I reached a point where I wasn't steadily losing, I just kept doing what I was doing until my metabolism caught up. When it comes to your body, patience is the best thing you can give it, and a cute new pair of jeans of course...;-)

number one or number two?

One of the things that they never tell you about being a parent is the quantity of bodily fluids you will have to deal with on a daily basis. When you are pregnant, you pee 25 times a day for 9 months, and I think this is to prepare you for the quantity of urine you will be exposed to over the first year alone after your first child is born. For the first few years, you cannot escape from it. You talk about poop, you examine diapers, you grab your children off the ground and smell their butts, you even stick your hands down their pants and grab their crotches, only to sigh and reach for yet another diaper and the box of wipes. Everybody poops, we all know this and yet it becomes this obsession that honestly? No non-parent would ever have guessed would become so all-encompassing. Then your second child comes and at some point you realise that you have not had a day without dealing with someone else's feces for years. Case in point: tonight when my son managed to poop in the toilet, across the seat, and on the floor while in search of another roll of toilet paper, and my daughter peed all over the kitchen floor. Every surface is fair game. My husband deals with more than his fair share and yet I still feel as though I am drowning in human waste. I have a dream, a dream that one day I will only have to look after my own functions. Of course, by then I may be using Depends.....

Three

Three years ago, I woke up early and took a shower and knew that you were arriving exactly on time. I'd been waiting for you for weeks, expecting you to show up early like your brother. You would not be rushed, but when you made up your mind, you couldn't be stopped, as your land-speed record birth proved.

Your make-believe games always seem to involve mommies and babies, mostly dinosaurs. You have an opinion about what you wear and you love to clomp around the house in my high heels every chance you get. You talk so much more now than last year, and although it is mostly yells of objection, I am still secretly pleased with the headaches you cause. You engage your brother in play and refuse to take no for an answer as you drag him to the ground, giggling at his protests. Your smile and your laugh light up my heart and make your difficult days almost bearable. You are a force, a person with so much energy and infectious enthusiasm swirling around you that you sometimes leave me in awe that I created someone so amazing.
When I look at you, I see the essence of life - the enjoyment of every moment. The passion of your being comes out with every absolute joy and devastating disappointment. You wear your emotions on the outside of your strong little body, and you have an ability to irreverently scream at the world that I envy.
You are my daughter and my tiny little hero. You are my absolute joy.
I love you Nomi-noo,
Momma

The Putzmeister

They're doing a lot of construction on the expressway near my office. I walked past just now to

get a coffee and saw the name "Putzmeister" on a large boom pump. It's so obviously German, but you still have to giggle. Do you think it was designed by a bunch of men?

Vacation's an itch

Looking back at my list, I don't feel quite as defeated considering the incredibly inconvenient second week of my vacation. I got quite a lot of my visiting done (missed out of Irene and Shawna), I got the kids' clothes sorted and the dining room kind of organized, didn't wash my car, go to a wool shop, or catch up on my reading and forget about the cleaning because on the Tuesday of the second week we discovered that our neighbour's bedbug problem had migrated to our place - yay us!
I woke up with bites, we had to have the place sprayed, which means that you have to wash everything you own (except the floors because you have to keep that stuff on the floors for three weeks) because there's a fine powder on everything. Clothes, linens, carpets, TOYS, everything.

This and day trips to the Ecomuseum, Train museum, Biosphere, and the occasional picnics and park excursions rounded out the exhausting and stressful second week.


I'd pretty much had it by the end of Labour Day and was ready to get back to work for the rest.

Check the list

Hi!
I'm back! I've been gone for a really long time, but figured that I'd try to post a couple of times while I'm on VACATION!
Yeah, I'm on vacation, but we're not going anywhere. Now that we have two children who require seats, we can't fly away every year. So I'm taking off two weeks and the first week the kids are in daycare and I have a list of stuff I want to get done. The second week we're going to take day trips and hang out around Montreal. My husband has informed me that the list is ambitious. Here's some of it:
Visit:
Maggie (see basement reno)
Debbie (see final landscaping)
Lynda (see new baby - 9 months late)
Adriana (feed dinner)
Jon & Tanya (it's been too long)
Irene (see photos from France)
Shawna (she just got a new puppy!)

Organize:
Diningroom
Office
Kids' clothes
Kids' rooms
House

Other:
Get Ben's school stuff
Hem Ben's pants
Wash car
Bake cupcakes
Get hair cut
Check out wool shops
Sewing projects (too many to mention)
Find the perfect skirt (done!)
Read

Five things I love about you

You think that any outfit is better with your airplane tie
The way you whisper "momma" when we're having some quiet time together
Your negotiation tactics that get you two cookies instead of one
When you come running to the door when I come home and tell me that you missed me today
That you still love to cuddle with me on the sofa
You are five today and you are your own little man. You pick out your own clothes, make up games, play with your sister, and love to help people. You start school in less than two months! It seems like it was such a short time ago that you were sleeping on me while I watched you breathe. When I tell you how big you're getting, you tell me that you're not getting bigger, that you're getting smaller. Part of me wishes that were true and that you would stay this way forever. You are my perfect little boy and I love you so, big or small.
All my heart,
Momma

My little girl is two

Another year has passed and you are still my favorite little girl in the whole entire universe. You are full of life and the definition of feisty, which you already know is very cute on a girl, especially one in striped tights. You greet me every evening at the door with a toy or two as welcome gifts, and you run around saying "momma" and trying to show me everything that you lay your eyes on, excited to share your discoveries with me. You started daycare in September and are already running the place, having wrapped several of the teachers around your tiny pink fingers. You love bugs, and bananas, and your daddy, although maybe not in that order. You have games of chase with your brother in which you catch him and drag him to the ground with a bear hug, and you've finally started speaking and when we hand you things we now hear a melodic little "thank you" that makes us smile. You are perfect in every way and I cannot imagine my life without you in it, especially when you hug me with your whole body and I melt from sheer joy. You are the best treat I ever got on Halloween - Momma loves you Nomi-noo, happy birthday!

and now you are 4

Well you blink and another year has gone by! How is it possible that you are 4? I still remember feeling your little kicks, and how you used to put your hand over your head and tickle me under the ribcage before you were born. I had no idea what to expect back then, I didn't know that you were a boy, that you would show up three weeks early, that you would charm the nurses into holding you all night long, that you could make sleep deprivation so lovely, that you hate bananas, that you love cake, that you would become such a great big brother, that you won't wear anything that we haven't pitched as a superhero costume, that you would ever stop requesting The Wiggles, that you would love music, and animals, and swimming, potato chips, and your Buddy as much as you do, that everyone you meet is still charmed and drawn to your beautiful, gentle, nature, and I had no idea that I could love one person so incredibly much. You are my favorite little boy in the whole, wide world. Happy birthday Booboo!
Love, Momma

countdown to party 4 Ben

It's Ben's fourth birthday party this Saturday and it's going to be a blast! We handed out invitations to the kids in his daycare group and no one got back to us, until two days ago. I figured that everyone was busy or on vacation so I could just get back to planning for the usual guests, but now we have a bonified kid's party, and I'm suddenly wondering if I have what it takes to impress a 4 year old. That seems kinda pathetic. We're doing a superman/hero theme. I'm making a superman cake, we have party favours, etc. I am making capes for all the kids (there will be 7 guests + Ben + his sister). Steve is handling the games and general child herding. In the happy fog that I was in because I was so happy that Ben would have his friends there, I completely forgot that this would also mean at least one adult per friend, maybe two if they had nothing else to do. With the usual suspects, family members, kids, and their parents, we're now up over 30. I need to make a bigger cake and pray it doesn't rain because we'll never get that many people in our house.

Worst kept secret in the world

One of the big articles advertised on the cover of Cosmo this month is "Secrets of Male Arousal".
They're kidding, right?