being me is exhausting

Just spent nearly half an hour with my arm trapped in a radiator.

Eight!

Oh wow my little boy, you are eight! How can it be when just yesterday it seems like you were curled up in a ball sleeping on my chest?
Eight has brought new experiences and challenges. Grade two was not the greatest academically or socially, and I struggled along with you and felt every moment of confusion, every push from a bully. And yet your capacity for forgiveness and your good heart shone above it all - I am so much in awe of that strength in you.
Lego continues on as your absolute favorite toy in the world. There is nothing you cannot do with it. You create games, and contraptions, and worlds, and you can live there for hours if only your sister would let you. You are reading more now, casually reading signs and telling me things from books. It's getting easier for you every day.
You look like a boy now, all arms and legs. Your sister is becoming more of an annoyance. She is still your number one playmate, but the plaintive cries of, "Mom, Nomi's bothering me" are more and more frequent. Still, you watch out for her and make her smile and you have secret jokes and special games that only you two understand. I hope that never changes.
You are making new discoveries on your own and sharing them. This year you decided that in addition to being a scientist that you also wanted to be an artist, and you brought home books on artists and sculptures to share. You saw pictures of deserts in the southwest and want to go, and you continue to love music, especially AC/DC, although I hear you humming Beethoven sometimes.
You are still a gentle soul in a sea of loud rabble. I want to protect that and yet I realise just how much more resilient you are and how powerful your vulnerability can be.
You have the most beautiful heart in the world, don't change for anything, keep it open to let all the joy in.
I love you more than you can ever imagine my Benny Boo.
Love,
Momma

Words can't fix anything tonight.

oh yeah

My friend Guislaine just sent me this quote and I must share:
"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."
— Stephen King

Perfect moments above you

On the drive back from the Townships last Saturday evening near sunset, Naomi was fast asleep and Ben was awake, staring out his window, lost in thought. Suddenly he said, "Mom, look! A balloon!". Sure enough, there was a hot air balloon in the distance, half hidden from view by some trees. We watched it appear and disappear from view, then the highway turned and suddenly there it was in plain sight drifting low over a farmer's field in front of the setting sun and the pink haze-tinted sky, and another was following it a bit farther behind. We both watched in awe as they floated along, both thinking the same thing. Ben said, "Mom, I'd really like to ride on one of those". I smiled.
Me too kiddo, me too......

(Photo by very talented photographer, and good friend, Irene Suchocki)

If I had a time machine, I'd have a lot to do back then

I am too embarrassed to explain the major fuck-uppery mess I made the night before last. Think about something you did that still makes you cringe and shudder when even the tiniest inkling of the memory appears in the smallest, darkest corner of your mind - and then fill an oil tanker with that episode until it sinks. That would be my night.
The results of my epic debacle have left me questioning my perceptions, my motives, and my feelings. Someone who I thought was self-centred and really didn't give a goddamn was giving me coffee and making me laugh about the foolishness of the night before (which importantly included saying some pretty mean things that have apparently been forgiven and forgotten). Someone who I thought cared and would never hurt me walked away without even looking at me or saying a word.
Just when I think that I have it all figured out, I realise that I don't know anything, about life, about myself, or about the people I care about, or for that matter even who the people I care about really are.

I really hope so....

It's the people who are still around despite everything that you do who really matter.

juvenile laugh of the day

Museum display people have a good sense of humour.... these were up on the top shelf by the way.

Learned wisdom of every girl I know

Sometimes you're just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love you.
And sometimes, you think that you are probably better off just eating all the cookies instead.

A smile at the end of the day

When you are down, call a friend. They make everything better :-)

Flux

My job today feels very stupid and unimportant. I want to throw everything aside, climb out my window and run - run past the streets, cars, condos, stores, run past the restaurants, and the cemeteries, and the parks and the fountains, and the trees, and just keep going and going and going until someone catches me up into their arms and holds me and says, "You can stop running now, you're here".

Thbbbttttt

Sometimes, you just get so tired of hearing the word "no", that you stop trying.

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

-Mother Theresa

(via I can read)