and of course....

throat started to bug me this evening.....grrrr.....I will not allow myself to get sick on my vacation, it simply won't do.

countdown

Preparing to leave the office. I'm really looking forward to the time off :-)

Am I the only one who is getting a bit tired of "and we just received this text message from a listener" on CBC every freakin' morning? If I cared so much about what every single radio program listener with a cell phone thought, I'd probably spend more time talking to my neighbours and less listening to the radio. Morning programming has become a call in show without anyone noticing.
Can't you fill some time with content, CBC, or banter, or some music?

perspective

Why would you spend even a second of your life trying not to be the happiest you could be, staying quiet when you could be telling the people in your life that you care about them, waiting for life to come to you instead of just doing something, not kissing someone who means something to you, fearing what could happen when you just do what you want to do?
Yeah, I get like this when I hold a brand new person in my arms and she looks up at me, sticks her tongue out, blinks, and gives me a crooked smile. Happens every time.... :-)

back away from the cellular device

I'm going to see Suzie's baby tonight, she's not even a week old and probably still has that delicious new baby smell I adore so much. New life, so much to look forward to, you have to love that!

(Oops! Annalia is two weeks old! I think this is one of the only times that admitting that someone is twice their age is acceptable.)

Ok, what's next? I'm thinking just enjoy the bits that make you happy right now. Isn't that enough?

I feel like leftovers....I need some man love and adoration...

"I hate you" is about the most hurtful thing that your child can say to you.
Just had the worst last hour with my son. He was overtired, but I have not had an episode like that with him in a very long time. Dealing with an overtired, stubborn six-year-old is always challenging; dealing with an overtired, stubborn, autistic six-year-old drains your body and mind completely, leaving you too spent to even cry. I know that he can't control himself when he loses it, I know I have to stay calm and just get him to sleep, I know that tomorrow is a new day and we'll start over and everything will be forgotten, but that doesn't really help me tonight.

I need an electric kettle and a big hug. No, the two are not really related......

Great outdoors -1, Mommy - 0

We are home.
Debbie and I pitched the tent and got everything ready and then we bbq'd some hotdogs, ate junkfood and let the kids watch The Muppet Show while we caught up. I let the kids stay up late, we made a fire and s'mores (Ben just ate the graham crackers and marshmallows, Naomi ate the chocolate and marshmallows), and finally the kids and I crawled into the tent. Deb has a pond in her backyard, Naomi complained about the waterfall for about three minutes, played with her flashlight, complained about how dark it was without the flashlight, then fell asleep. Ben talked for a while and then also fell asleep. The rain started at about 3am. Good tent, no water leakage! Naomi woke me up, having kicked herself out of her sleeping bag, positioned herself in the opposite direction, and kicked me in the head. When I tried to get her back into her sleeping bag, she started screaming like the world was ending. Eventually all was settled, then she tossed and turned and needed cuddles and water and complained about the rain. Then she fell asleep again, but kept squirming so I barely slept after that. The rain was lovely to listen to, soothing, even as the tiny sharp elbows buried themselves into my ribs. At about 5am, she woke up coughing, then threw up. Then she insisted in staying put instead of going in the house. I cleaned her up as best I could and managed another 30 minutes before she was wide awake again and this time full of energy and ready to get up and go. Ben finally woke up. He slept through the screaming, the rain, the tossing and turning, the barfing, and the complaining.
He wanted to do it again tonight. Ben is a born camper, I can only hope that the girl grows into it by next year.

Morning

Coffee, laptop, sounds of screaming children in my living room and cartoons.
Thinking about the day. We're going camping in my friend's backyard tonight, weather permitting. There will be hot dogs and junk food and cookies!
Life is slowly starting to spin back into a normal orbit, I'm looking forward to taking a little time off soon and turning off portions of my life that need a break and picking up some new personal projects. I'm also looking forward to getting out of town for a few days and seeing people who are long overdue for a visit. This is a beautiful time of year for a wander in the country, a drive down the highway.

Images from a cafe

The man in the above picture is named Richard. Richard is lovely and is trying to just be friends with me, but I've discovered I like him, and, if you know me at all,you'll know this means that that's very much like trying to fight off a tyrannosaurus with a dish towel. Poor man. I am not what you'd call subtle. If any of my friends can please recommend me to this fine fellow, because I think that if he's willing to put up with a lot that I'm completely worth it, pipe up. The rest of you who know I'm chocolate-covered evil, shut your traps.

A good day so far - I have good people by my side pulling for me, how can I fail?

Caution: Flying handles

As my gramma used to say, it's nothing that a hot shower and a good f*** wouldn't cure.
Ok, she never said that, wish she had though.
So I have the shower part covered.....and I could settle for a nice long cuddle.
I will not let the bad things and the bad people in this world defeat me, lesson learned and all that, but I may not be the most stable person for the next little while. I apologize for the inconvenience this may cause to any friendship I happen to screw up.
The management

I am the biggest fool in the entire universe, and for some reason, I'm not laughing....help me, what do I do with all this pain?

ready to play

My friend quoted this recently from a book by Richard Rosen:

"...to be playful is not to be trivial or frivolous, or to act as if nothing of consequence will happen.

On the contrary, when we are playful with each other we relate as free persons, and the relationship is open to surprise; everything that happens is of consequence, for seriousness is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility."

My friend was asking what role play has in your life, and my question is, why so serious? Why do some people fear the unpredictable?
I have never been afraid of surprise, in fact, I think I can honestly say that lack of surprise may be the reason why most relationships in my life have ended when they've ended, why I've moved on, why I look for new interests, new people, new ideas, new answers. There's something infinitely intriguing to me about the thing I don't know, the sensation I haven't felt, the restaurant I haven't eaten in, the activity I've never tried, the person I can't completely fathom. When things become predictable, there's a spark that is lost. Yes, it's nice to know that someone loves you and will be there to hold your hand, but for me there's also that need for that other person to for no apparent reason, shove me into a snow bank, or show up at my door and kiss me like the world is about to end, then turn around and walk off. Life doesn't make sense, it's messy and stupid and beautiful and nonlinear in so many ways, and we are always changing, reinventing, learning, making mistakes, becoming things we weren't yesterday, a week ago, a year ago. It's never safe, even if you don't change, everything around you will.
So why so serious? Why can't everyone play and forgive and live with the unpredictable and just enjoy it while it's there and start over and over, opening ourselves up to as much as we can swallow?
I love that moment when someone says something and you burst out laughing because it's exactly what you weren't expecting. And as amazing as a moment like that is, sometimes you have to steel yourself for a consequence you didn't want, but just happens.
I need a few more do-overs, a few more chances, a few more shoves into a snow bank.
Oh god, I'm making no sense - bed!

I am lovely

When no one else will say it and you don't believe it, and you really need to hear it, a girlfriend comes to the rescue.
Thank you.....

Have you hugged a train wreck today?

start with a walk in the woods

It's been a weak day. I'm missing someone. Someone I'd give up swearing like a sailor for. Time to start over, tomorrow is a brand new one.

start with onions in a pan.....

butternut squash, chickpea and lentil casserole with tahini dressing

Let it go, let it go, let it go......

Magicians and light bulbs

Friday we ate a hurried supper and then got bundled up and jumped in the car to go and see the Magic Lanterns at the Botanical Gardens.



I love this time of year - the air is crisp and cool and it's getting dark early enough to have events like this one. This year I figured that the kids were old enough to appreciate it and last long enough for the walk about through the garden.



They loved the lanterns and were very well behaved and enthusiastic about the whole thing. Ben kept asking where the magician was and Naomi kept saying we were looking at the light bulbs, but they were in awe of the colours and the reflections on the water. I have always liked this event, I think that it brings out the child-like wonder in everyone.



I was so happy to share it with my kids this year. One of the things I've discovered about having the kids only half the time is that I appreciate them a little more than when I had them every day. I know it seems obvious, but I think that it's so easy to take things for granted in your life.



Afterwards, we took a tour through the Insectarium and checked out all the cool bugs.

Dear Universe,

Alright universe, it's just you and me now, and I'm pretty riled up about the whole stunt you pulled on me recently, so you better start being a little nicer. I'm willing to negotiate, but here is my list of top demands:

I want a balance back between my work and my life, they are not the same thing. If you could do something about the management as well I'd be grateful. I in return will find a way to take some time off and get better about being realistic of my limits.

I want to be more graceful and forgiving of myself and the world. If you could remind me of this before I run off half-cocked I wouldn't complain.

You know how impulsive I am. Let me be more patient, stop grabbing frantically at everything, let things go and see what returns. In light of my impatience, maybe just distract me long enough to stop chasing things and just keep moving forward on my own path.

Throw a man on my path. A man who wants to be with me and who pursues me with determination. A man who is passionate and romantic and makes me laugh and thinks I'm beautiful and isn't a smart ass. A man I can talk to for hours, be silent with for hours, and doesn't have to be with me all the time to know I love him. A man who feels me in his guts. I need a man like that.

Continue giving me friends who make me laugh at all the dumb things I do and the many ways in which I completely fail to be cool about my life. Give them long enough memories to warn me off the bad stuff, but short enough memories to not say "I told you so". And let me be that kind of friend right back.

Give me adventure. Give me brilliance. Give me the ability to stand still, breathe, and remember that my life is pretty damn awesome for the most part.

I wouldn't say no to writing a best seller or winning the lottery, but let's start with the above first, ok?
Sincerely,
Dina

Light

I think I'm free......

happy things

Bath night, colouring at the table, ton of work to do later, but I'm not thinking about that now. Right now I'm enjoying listening to my daughter sing the alphabet song.

The score

Up at the office far too early: oh yes
Picking up my kids tonight, I've missed them: 10
Love life: -10
Work: -30
House: ransacked
Fridge: empty

I know I don't have a consistent scoring system, shaddup.......

I'm fairly certain I am now one of the only cars in the parking lot, did I mention that the deadline got moved up a day? Oh, and a can of diet coke apparently does have a shelf life. After sitting in my desk for two years, it's even more gross than it was fresh.
I'm wondering if I can see well enough to drive home.......

I'm here all night, try the veal

I'm sure there's something positive to say about working all night at the office, but Pollyanna has left the building - this sucks....

To you

Kenny, if you have something to say, call me and say it. I am stressed beyond belief right now and your lurking is not helping. Man up and just talk to me or let me go because this has got to stop.

I keep trying to believe in the universe, but why does it always seem like my timing is off? Why is it teasing me with what I can't have? Waiting for me to realise that people mean things to me and then taking them away? For a few brief moments, I was exactly where I wanted to be tonight, a calm descended, touching someone I wanted to touch, and then it was gone.
Sucks to be me some days........

long day

Good run, so many things and people to be thankful for, cupcakes, still smiling.

Rejection complete. Sad night.

orphaned

The rest of my department is off on a scavenger hunt activity day today, my fellow editor is home working and in a really foul mood, I am sitting here working, where I will sit until the end of the day because I have too much to do......
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon.

A different review

This day started way too early and has finished much too late but I have to write something besides technical reviews today.
I saw District 9 recently. I had no idea what to expect and was happily surprised. Yes, the social commentary is anvilicious (did it really have to take place over Johannesburg? Come on!) and you see bits of Aliens, Blade Runner, and many other sci-fi flicks I'm too tired to think of right now, but it has some inventive qualities of its own. The documentary style that leaves gaps of information to build interest and tension, pieces of the story which slowly come out, while not new, was well done. The aliens themselves are interesting visually, different enough, yet they still managed to make one of them cute. I guess the most surprising element was the humour that was created from the main character's predicament. The actor did a fantastic job of creating a man that you didn't hate, but yet you weren't pulling for, and you just wanted to say, "poor bastard, he's having a bad day". And of course the explodey bits were good. There were also tons of little visual bits that were amusing, like the alien wearing the pink bra and the one carrying a blow-up bunny. If taken as a fun, sci-fi, edge-of-camp movie, which I assume was the intention, it succeeds.

How I'm working today

Jian Wang, Bach Cello Suites, all day, on loop.

Strut

There's nothing like a walk through the Plateau, wearing your most comfy clothes and still getting checked out by a lot of very cute men, to bring you up again :-)

lists

Things I had to do:
Work
Tidy
Get out of the house
Groceries
Quick run
Cook something
Laundry

Things I did:
Work
Read
Wander from room to room, move things around aimlessly, and snack

I am at loose ends today. Ben crawled in with me this morning and we were having such a great conversation, mostly about germs, boogers, and freckles, but still. I'm also trying to explain to him that he shouldn't ask ladies to show him their nipples. I know my male readers will not approve of this little lesson. Now the kids are gone until Wednesday, and I have a million things to do and I'm sitting here typing this instead. And I need a hug, a big hug because I'm feeling lonely and I'd love to call someone and say, "get over here and hug me", but I can't. Sucks to be me some days.

Shout out to the gals

Over the past couple of weeks I have had a life outside of the office, the kids, and the part of my life I will now start calling, "etc". I got a chance to go over to Melissa's new place, where she made a lovely garlicky salad and the talented chef, Brandon, bbq'd up some exquisite tandori chicken. Combined with some nice wine on their back deck, it was a great evening.


Meanwhile, over on the Plateau, the gorgeous Adriana had me over for some veggie yummies and I supplied the booze, fresh corn and some lovely cheese and bread. We sat around talking about our writing and our love lives and our career plans and our toes. I'm still not sure what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have such a strong network of girlfriends who love me just as I am and tell me I'm amazing.

Psycho in the closet

I have a lot to get caught up on here. Assume for the time being that work has not changed - I'm tired of complaining about it.
I had a recent brush with rejection, a brush because it wasn't a complete rejection, just a reaction to the complete lack of control I have at times. How should I deal with that? My first thought would be to apologize, but I don't think that I can do that anymore. When I go a little crazy, I have a reason. There's a secret we all know: we're all insecure. Perhaps from now on when I get like this I will just come right out and say it instead of trying to be all fake confident and then turning mildly psycho; it's probably far more useful in the long run.
It's also time to brush off this horrible week and get on with it.
It's hard to start meeting people again after so long in a relationship. It's especially hard when there's a person out there who is still my heart and who, apparently, still has a place in his heart that is mine alone.
There's nothing I can do about this but let myself feel what I feel and move forward and trust that the universe is giving me what I need.
So, do I decide to be honest with this man from this point on, enjoy what it is, but at the same time let him know that my psycho-ness is just occasionally part the package? Do I decide that I shouldn't see him at all? I guess if he can't deal with the psycho, there's no going forward, which is a shame because for a short time it felt nice.

Date night

Tonight I took myself out on a date. I went to Pushaps for supper (the chickpeas were especially hot tonight -OMG I must have had an entire pitcher of water!) and then over to the Dollar Cinema for a showing of To Catch a Thief in the living room – essentially a converted broom cupboard with a big screen tv. I loved it! I got the good chair, the fake leather swivelly one with the matching footstool. The other audience members were two older ladies. We adjusted the volume to suit everyone's taste and commenced the visual feast, I did notice that everyone seemed far more tanned than normal. We all swooned when Cary came on screen and talked about how beautiful Grace was. At one point, Cary turns and is walking away and one of the ladies said, “what a nice behind he had!”. About halfway through, one of them fell asleep and was snoring, the other lady and I had a good giggle about that. I'd watch movies with those two again in a second.

The good things

I should be sleeping, but before I do....

Eating Chinese food with my kids
The moon, so gorgeous, big, and bright tonight
The silence in my incredibly messy house
My messy house, my space, my stuff, the legos all over the floor and the living room that looks like a Salvation Army threw up in it
A well-dressed man, you know who you are
The idea that I will take myself out to my favorite cheap Indian place tomorrow night and then out to the Dollar Cinema
The yummy casserole in my fridge
My friends who are reading this and who know my heart, I love you all

Yup! I was right!
Luckily, it was too busy most of the day to really let the suck sink in, but now that I finally have a quiet moment, the crawling-up-into-a-ball feeling returns.
I have so much more to write that's not depressing-it's not very interesting, but it's better than what's been up here lately.
I need some time. I know I keep saying that, but I think I may have finally reached the point where I can't push through for very much longer without coming apart. On the other hand, I might discover that I am actually a lot more resilient than I thought I was. I guess we'll see.
No more depressing nonsense! Hang in there, I'll find time to post soon.