Four

I know I say this every year, but where does the time go? When I look at your pictures from a year ago, I can see how much you have changed, you are now a little girl.
You love princesses and your favorite colour is pink. You want to tell me everything, and when you are trying to get my attention, after the third "Mamma", you shout, "Look at me!", and that cracks me up. You pick on your brother the way that only a little sister can, he protests, and then relents to your demands. Every night you wait until he's in bed and climb up and snuggle him and give him a big hug and a kiss, and I can feel your love for him.
You continue to see and feel and experience the world with your entire body, although sometimes you are shy now with strangers. You love being silly and making up songs with me and talking when we are cuddled up in bed in the morning. Sometimes you throw your arms around me and whisper in my ear, "You are my best friend", and my heart bursts with joy.
You are so perfect, so beautiful, so much of my life. I love you Nomi-noo.
Mamma

Sigh

Not feeling the love tonight....

I'm losing my mind! I can't get the bleepety bleeping Optimus Prime back into a bleeping truck! Bleep! Obviously missing Transformer gene!!!
How can toys be so complicated? I'm looking at the instructions and I still can't get it to work! Arggghhhhhh!

Enough

There comes a time when you cannot apologize anymore and you just have to keep going and know that you did the right thing and that eventually all will be right in the universe again. It's gonna be not-so-fun, it's gonna be fun, it's gonna suck again sometimes, and then we're all going to laugh about it and that's just the way it always is.
Dumbass move of the day: Wore the wrong shoes, the wrong sweater, looked a bit like a hobo from up close, but think I managed to hide it with the trench coat. God I love that coat!

Monday

Sometimes you just need to get out and listen to something beautiful. The Orchestre Metropolitain played at PdA last night, a Russian program with a guest conductor, Leo Hussain, and I heard about it and went down after work and grabbed a cheap seat. I was not disappointed. I don't pretend to know a lot about classical music, but I almost always enjoy a live concert. It was wonderful and I will be looking for more events like this. The MSO is almost always too expensive for me, but OM doesn't break the bank and I came out floating.

Sunday

The morning started with a wet bed, luckily not mine. It improved with some cuddling and pancakes! After Steve picked up the kids I did a few chores and then jumped in the car and headed out of town for some hiking.



A gorgeous sunny day, perfect weather, and despite the full parking lot there was still a lot of secluded areas, quiet if you avoid the trails fit for strollers and bikes. Four hours later I was tired and feeling great.





Home, hot bath, chili, and for the first time this season, The Amazing Race! They got to take the elevator up to the 124 floor of the Burj Dubai! I'd love to travel to those places without all the running around.

Loooong day

The kids kicked my butt today. Naomi decided to get up at 5:30 this morning despite going to bed after 8 and having had no nap. I refereed all morning as she picked on Ben and Ben whined about every poke and puff of air in his direction. Then we went out to the Ecomuseum, which I love.





We lost a glove off the raised walkway, and as I was retrieving it with a stick, my cell phone fell out of my pocket to join it. Luckily, a fairly athletic man was passing by and jumped down and retrieved it, saving me the embarrassment of trying to get down there and then realising that I'd never be able to get back up again. Ben's whining about following his rules started shortly after that and he spent the rest of the visit telling me I wasn't listening and we weren't going the right way. Showing him the map and assuring him that I did know where I was going proved fruitless and we enjoyed the rest of the visit with his repeated soundtrack until we got to the beginning again and he suddenly realised that I was right. We made a short stop at the grocery store that might as well have been a day at Camp Pokemewithasharpstick and by the time we got home I could have crawled into the corner and cried with them. They were tired, I was fed up and quiet time was mandatory while mommy searched for her sanity.
In the end we ended up all laying in my bed reading books and chilling. The great part of the day? This picture:



My house looks like Godzilla walked through it, but the cleaning may have to wait until I finish boozing.

The count

How many times a day do I realise how lucky I am to be breathing, and living, and happy? How many times a day do I think about people and get a goofy grin? How many times a day do I turn my face up to the sunshine and feel like my heart could explode with wonderful silliness while I hum happily to myself inside my head?
Today, quite a lot :-)

Waffle night

Waffles for the next week are made and in the freezer. It's getting late. As the light becomes scarcer, so does everyone's enthusiasm and energy, we are all in that transition time of seasons. My son has always been very sensitive to this time, so much changes, light, temperature, routine, clothing. The waffles do not change however. It is a beautiful time, my favorite season. I love the colours, the crisp air, the clear blue skies, the apples, cooking up stews and hearty soups and eating them with hunks of homemade bread.
I have dug out the sweaters under my bed, reached for the fuzzy socks, and started thinking about my winter projects. Quilts are being planned, hopefully there will be time to cut them soon; writing projects are swirling in my mind; hats are sitting in balls of yarn in the closet. I'm hoping to get some more hiking in before it gets too cold.
Going back to the office was hard even though it had only been a week. Had a long meeting with Sweden this morning, I'm trying to get a few things to happen right now that could be very positive. I'm torn because I know how unbalanced I can get when I spend too much mental space with my work, but I have such a desire to build something better for me and the people I work with. In the end I suppose it would be more justifiable if I was feeding orphans or curing cancer, but I can't place that kind of importance on what I do. It's time to step back a little and reassess and start taking stuff a bit less seriously.
What do I want? What do I want?
On more fun notes, I had a fab supper with Adriana this week and made some of my yummy chocolate chip cookies and had a really positive session with Naomi at her playgroup.
Time to sleep, ready for tomorrow.

what I need

God I need a hug so badly!
I'm not sad, I'm not down, or depressed, just a little cold and needy. I need the affectionate gesture of a hug, preferably by a man. That feeling of melting into someone for a few moments, close my eyes and soak in the warmth of another body, feel it heating me all the way through.

I think that we should all learn the ukulele for this

No turkey this year

So, not your traditional Thanksgiving. My folks came into town, braving traffic and crazy drivers. The kids were ecstatic about seeing them, I love that. We went over to the park and Steve met us there.



It was a beautiful sunny day, but when it went behind the clouds and the wind picked up it was pretty cold if you weren't running around.



After we went back to my place and I made some muffins and put on some coffee and ordered some Lebanese takeaway and I went and picked it up. We feasted and had a bottle of wine I brought back from Niagara, and then watched some cartoons and the folks decided to sleep over. They fought me on who got the air mattress and won, but only because they got on it and refused to move. I worry about them, they seem so tired. I mentioned this to Steve and he said that they worry about me. When I asked him why they worry about me, he was shocked that I didn't know why. Yes my job and this year in general have taken a lot out of me, but I think I'm doing pretty ok. He said that I look brittle and sad. What? Do I? What the heck? Could that be true? Is it possible that I only look that way around my ex and my folks? Do I look that way to others? Perhaps more deranged and confused? He also thinks I am deluding myself about being happy, but I don't think so. Sure, I've been a mixture of train wreck and manic for a few months, but I also feel alive. There's something nice about being by myself again. One of my friends pointed out that she always felt that I was much more capable than my ex ever thought I was. She's right of course. When I'm alone I can make a decision and pay a bill and take care of my life and now the lives of my children, but when I was married for some reason it was easier to let my ex do things and think I was largely incompetent. But I was never incompetent, I was still working, still doing my share of the household work, still caring for my children and providing money to pay the bills, and advancing my career and taking up new interests and hobbies and growing as a person.
But perspective is everything and yes, I'm not saying that I didn't bring some of that on myself, I got complacent.
I was chatting with a friend and she was explaining what we should be looking for in mate - that it should be someone who thinks we're the coolest (even in a dumb way), funniest (especially in a dumb way), smartest thing they've ever met and they should feel lucky to be with us, and vice-versa of course. I guess sometimes when that disappears it happens so gradually that you don't even know it's gone.

Home!

Ok, so my last day was driving in the pouring rain back to Montreal and getting stuck in so much traffic going through TO that I skipped lunch and had a hypoglycemic meltdown on the Decarie. One of these days I will learn. Still, I got home and my kids did that running to me thing and I forgot everything else - they are that good! Had the evening with Naomi getting caught up with her glued to my side. They've gone to Ottawa today for a feast, so I popped out to the market for some food - apples, squash, leeks, carrots, tomatoes, peppers, cheese, I think there will be soup making this evening!
I had a great week away from the office and my city. One of the things that travelling enables me to do is find new ideas and interests. It doesn't have to be a long trip or a far trip to spark my enthusiasm. Thanks to my lovely hosts who allowed me to get out of my life for a few days - love you!

Day ....6?

Spent the afternoon wandering the wineries, sampling stuff, laughing with my friend's mom, driving around and enjoying the beautiful views and the gorgeous fall day.






I'm heading home tomorrow, I've enjoyed the trip. A few things feel better to me now, clearer.

Day 6

I think I missed some!
Off to explore today and have some fun with Lynda's mom. Had a great catch up last night with Lynda and her son's getting so big! Must get out in that sunshine!

Spent the day wandering Toronto - Kensington Market, Chinatown, downtown bits, arts district, places in between. Bought a big frying pan and dragged it all over the city, not my brightest moment. Ate at a really bad Thai place. I'm starting to feel detached from stuff - that nice feeling when you feel like you've been gone longer than you really have. It's amazing how fast that happens when you don't check your work email :-)

Rest of Day 3

Finally managed to get out of the house and wandered down the street and stumbled on Kensington market. It was a good place to people watch. I spent some time in the "vintage" clothing shops and then had a burrito and headed back, stopped for ice cream too (I'm getting fat as a house - don't care!). I passed by a resto and there was Libby having a tea and working on some stuff so I stopped and we hung out and then went for mani/pedis! I have the prettiest toes right now and my nails are neat and trimmed.
Dinner was a fridge raid of yummy leftovers and cheeses and such.
Today is cloudy, but not rainy yet so I'm heading out for a wander to see what I can see. I like having no schedule and agenda. I must take some pics though. I brought the big camera with me yesterday, but it's so obvious sometimes. Still, I missed out on a few really great shots because I was too polite to take it out, and I have to stop doing that.

Day 3

Sunny! Coffee, oatmeal. Was inspecting the mirror damage when three Polish carpenter/drywall guys on their smoke breaks from my friend's downstairs apartment came out and figured out a way to at least secure it back to the car so that I can get back home before I replace it. Some days being a girl is the best thing ever. I've spent the morning lounging, writing, reading and not feeling guilty about it. I should wander out and walk up and down the street before it starts to rain again. My friend in upstate NY has cancelled that leg of my journey because she fears her husband may have the swine flu, but it so happens that my friend Lynda in Hamilton has a few evenings free and a sofa I can sleep on. There may even be some wine tasting in my future. Vacation salvaged!

Day 2

Woke up with superhero playtime, coffee, oatmeal, biked to the Distillery for lunch and stuff and then back home and nap. Later I went with the crew to a dinner party with lots of kids running around and a nice risotto, then back where I discovered I had a parking ticket (oops, forgot to read the signs properly) and way more seriously the discovery that some jerk had broken off my mirror on the passenger side of the car and left it hanging there without a note. It's very disappointing when people do things like that. Now I have to figure out what to do about that today because I can't leave it like that. I'm beginning to fear that this car is cursed.

Day 1

Woke up to the sounds of Jonah and his little brother Simon discussing Star Wars with Dan. Ate delicious pancakes and enjoyed some coffee and then Libby and I took Jonah to his music lesson. Dan loaned me his bike (another bike adventure) and off we went. The lesson was fun to watch, all the kids took a turn playing the piano and there was at least one ringer. They ran around a lot too. Afterwards we biked down to The Beaches and had lunch. Dan met us there with Simon and the car and we drove home and I'm now relaxing and contemplating a nap.
Later is dinner and Nuit Blanche - can't wait!

Don't get hurt. Be alert!

Stop worrying already.... I'm here!
Pouring rain most of the way, stopped once for truly bad coffee and a pee. Now relaxing and listening to the storm from the inside.

Viva vacation!

I'm running around like nuts tomorrow and then jumping in the car and taking off. I'm leaving my two killer guard dogs and a pack of ninjas (pack? maybe a shadow of ninjas?) at my house, so don't get any ideas.
I need a break, and everywhere I'm going, I will be surrounded by good friends. It's a short journey, but enough to shake off the office and the nagging doubts and insecurities tugging at my mind and making me feel like I'm wallowing in a puddle of inconsistency and uncertainty. The last couple of days I've been able to focus more clearly on things and I feel ok with how I'm doing so far. It's been a rough year, but I've survived so far and put myself back into life and I'm pretty proud of that. Now I need a change of scenery and some newness to spark some ideas and get the creative stuff going again. My mind over the last three months has atrophied from work, work, work.

Well, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day.....