So, not your traditional Thanksgiving. My folks came into town, braving traffic and crazy drivers. The kids were ecstatic about seeing them, I love that. We went over to the park and Steve met us there.
It was a beautiful sunny day, but when it went behind the clouds and the wind picked up it was pretty cold if you weren't running around.
After we went back to my place and I made some muffins and put on some coffee and ordered some Lebanese takeaway and I went and picked it up. We feasted and had a bottle of wine I brought back from Niagara, and then watched some cartoons and the folks decided to sleep over. They fought me on who got the air mattress and won, but only because they got on it and refused to move. I worry about them, they seem so tired. I mentioned this to Steve and he said that they worry about me. When I asked him why they worry about me, he was shocked that I didn't know why. Yes my job and this year in general have taken a lot out of me, but I think I'm doing pretty ok. He said that I look brittle and sad. What? Do I? What the heck? Could that be true? Is it possible that I only look that way around my ex and my folks? Do I look that way to others? Perhaps more deranged and confused? He also thinks I am deluding myself about being happy, but I don't think so. Sure, I've been a mixture of train wreck and manic for a few months, but I also feel alive. There's something nice about being by myself again. One of my friends pointed out that she always felt that I was much more capable than my ex ever thought I was. She's right of course. When I'm alone I can make a decision and pay a bill and take care of my life and now the lives of my children, but when I was married for some reason it was easier to let my ex do things and think I was largely incompetent. But I was never incompetent, I was still working, still doing my share of the household work, still caring for my children and providing money to pay the bills, and advancing my career and taking up new interests and hobbies and growing as a person.
But perspective is everything and yes, I'm not saying that I didn't bring some of that on myself, I got complacent.
I was chatting with a friend and she was explaining what we should be looking for in mate - that it should be someone who thinks we're the coolest (even in a dumb way), funniest (especially in a dumb way), smartest thing they've ever met and they should feel lucky to be with us, and vice-versa of course. I guess sometimes when that disappears it happens so gradually that you don't even know it's gone.