Tuesday, June 23, 2009

and where do you see yourself in ten years?

I'm facing a bit of a dilemma recently. Um, perhaps that's an understatement.
Many people consider what I've done recently to be:
a) A huge mistake
b) Part and parcel of a huge 40 crisis/freakout
c) What Dina does every X number of years because she's essentially a flighty dumbass
d)All of the above

These aren't all the people I know, thankfully. Many people think at least one of those, but they also love me, so they just hug me and shrug.

I've thought every one of the above and now I just don't care what other people think. I spent so much time second guessing myself, not believing what I was telling myself, blaming myself for every step that took me to this decision. In the end, I may be crazy, but I have no other options. I'm going with the crazy because nothing else is working.

My new dilemma is this: I've put myself of this course, the destination is happiness. But what kind of happiness would I like? In the scheme of things are there some forms of happy that are better than others? Some that are more worth the effort or the wait? What if I was told that something that I wanted would take 5 years of part-time study, or sacrificing something that I hold close, or would just take time in order for me to sort out my life and be ready to accept it? Do I have that kind of patience? Can I stop myself from rushing headlong into things, and am I even meant to wait? Perhaps I am meant to run happiness down without hesitation and grab it up, is hesitation my problem? Should I throw myself into its centre, vulnerable, and embrace what happens?

Some days it seems like the world is begging me to come and get it, other days I fear a misstep. What's a crazy girl to do?

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